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Original poster

partner

46 replies

Angran1 · 25/12/2024 23:46

so today xmas day my partner spent the day with his exwife, their son, disabled and his ex wifes family for xmas day.i spent the day alone. to put it into context, weve been together just over 4 years and dont live together. he and ex have a disabled son aged 15, but they get on, been seperated nearly 7 yrs, she doesnt know about me. Weve messaged various times of the day, but at the end of the day, he has got it in the neck a bit from me.
...thoughts....im.not entirely happy, but sorta have to accept for the sake of the son this is how it is.....

OP posts:
ruddygreattiger · 26/12/2024 01:09

If they've been separated 7yrs why doesn't she know about you?
Have they always spent every Xmas together since splitting?

BillHadersNewWife · 26/12/2024 02:28

4 years and she doesn't know about you?? Id suspect he still had some kind of relationship with her to be frank. Why hasn't he told her? Has he given you any reasoning?

CheekyHobson · 26/12/2024 02:30

These sound like issues that could have been addressed in the lead-up to Christmas rather than having a go at him on the day.

WearyAuldWumman · 26/12/2024 02:44

There's something very wrong here. Are you sure he's not still living with the "ex"?

StrawberryWater · 26/12/2024 04:36

Doesn't sound like she's much of an ex!

4 years and she still doesn't know about you is iffy to me. Have you met any of his other family?

Ladybyrd · 26/12/2024 05:10

You aren't a priority in his life. You can either accept that or move on and find someone who does factor you into situations.

FedUp1000 · 26/12/2024 07:21

I don’t think it’s that unusual for a parent to want to spend the day with their DC at Xmas & if that’s means they can’t see their DP then that’s sad but sometimes just can’t be helped. I am in a similarish position but trying to accept it. I’m hoping it won’t be forever & tried to make the best of the day.
A few questions - were they local enough that he could have popped to see you too for a bit? What reason does he give you that the ex wife doesn’t know? Will you see him much over the Xmas period?
I accepted my situation as he wasn’t local due to visiting close family that would otherwise be alone, the reason seemed genuine (although still felt a little strange), we are seeing each other both before & after Xmas.

jubs15 · 26/12/2024 08:49

You have been with this man for 4 years and his son is 15, not 5. Unless you live hours apart, I see no reason why he couldn't have spent at least the first or last part of the day with you. My current partner's son is 15 and spends most of his time playing video games in his bedroom; he's not bothered about sitting with his dad. He offered for me to come over in the evening, but I already had a 120-mile round trip to make, so we made the decision to see each other on Christmas Eve instead. My ex and I would see each other on Christmas Day morning, before he went to pick up his kids.

What I'm saying is that where there's a will, there's a way. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend has the will that he should do after all this time. Why did you spend Christmas alone? If you continue being this guy's secret girlfriend, make arrangements next year to spend Christmas with family if you can, or go away somewhere. The situation you're in is not on.

Lightswitchup · 26/12/2024 08:56

Why doesn’t she know about you? It’s that bit which is dodgy and very unfair on you. I can understand wanting to be with his son but not the secrecy around your relationship after such a length of time.

category12 · 26/12/2024 08:59

There's no reason the ex-wife and son shouldn't know about you if they separated 7 years ago.

You say "ex-wife" but have they actually divorced?

Where does your partner live? Where do his ex-wife and son live? (Does she know they're separated, or could she just think he's living away for work or something?)

What is the son's disability?

Secondstart1001 · 26/12/2024 09:04

There’s no reason he couldn’t spent some of the day with you,
It’s ok he spent the day with his disabled son however it seems he’s playing happy families abit too much here. His ex should 100% know about you - what reasons has be given for withholding your relationship from her? It’s a bit of a red flag for me, if I’m honest …

Opentooffers · 26/12/2024 09:07

The not knowing about you is the big red flag. Have you been to where he lives?

GinForBreakfast · 26/12/2024 09:15

I think the nature of his child's disability is pertinent. If his ex wife is a carer then it's nice for someone to share the load at Christmas.

I guess you have to decide whether you are willing to accept it or not.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2024 09:18

Not a partner really is he. Do you know his friends and relatives? Why are you tolerating this?

Original poster
Angran1 · 26/12/2024 15:18

ruddygreattiger · 26/12/2024 01:09

If they've been separated 7yrs why doesn't she know about you?
Have they always spent every Xmas together since splitting?

he thinks itl make it difficult between them for their son, he is disabled.....bit of a cop out i think ! ive met all his family 🙄 only a matter of time before someone slips up....

OP posts:
Original poster
Angran1 · 26/12/2024 15:19

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2024 09:18

Not a partner really is he. Do you know his friends and relatives? Why are you tolerating this?

yep...know his family well and get invited to family events etc....what can i do 💁

OP posts:
Original poster
Angran1 · 26/12/2024 15:21

Opentooffers · 26/12/2024 09:07

The not knowing about you is the big red flag. Have you been to where he lives?

its not ideal and i do think she should know .....or should she ??....id want to know....yes we go between my.house and his each week.....another bone of contention !

OP posts:
Original poster
Angran1 · 26/12/2024 15:23

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2024 09:18

Not a partner really is he. Do you know his friends and relatives? Why are you tolerating this?

well its not ideal ! but what is....id love us living together but he doesnt....so we compromise and go between houses.....met all family...not friends as they are far away but they know about me.....

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 26/12/2024 15:29

It sounds like you will always come second, especially on important holidays. You need to decide if you're willing to accept that. If you're not, you know what to do.

Secondstart1001 · 26/12/2024 15:35

She should know! His ex wife would only be upset if she thought she would have a chance of getting back with him or vice versa. Your feelings should come before hers at this point!

Ladybyrd · 26/12/2024 15:43

That doesn't sound like a compromise, OP. You aren't living together, it's on his terms.

Original poster
Angran1 · 26/12/2024 17:14

WearyAuldWumman · 26/12/2024 02:44

There's something very wrong here. Are you sure he's not still living with the "ex"?

no, he has his own place which i stay at reguarly and he stays at mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Angran1 · 26/12/2024 17:15

Secondstart1001 · 26/12/2024 15:35

She should know! His ex wife would only be upset if she thought she would have a chance of getting back with him or vice versa. Your feelings should come before hers at this point!

thankyou...

OP posts:
Original poster
Angran1 · 26/12/2024 17:19

BillHadersNewWife · 26/12/2024 02:28

4 years and she doesn't know about you?? Id suspect he still had some kind of relationship with her to be frank. Why hasn't he told her? Has he given you any reasoning?

relationship yes purely for their child who.is very disabled. ...he sees him a few times a week amd has him alternate w.ends . .they are very much done....he spends a lot on private rent for him....and financially supports her as a carer fir their son...im not happy im not knowm about, but is it a biggy ???....all his family know of me and i go to family events....its only a matter of time before someone slips up then hes gotta lot of explaining....

OP posts:
Original poster
Angran1 · 26/12/2024 17:51

category12 · 26/12/2024 08:59

There's no reason the ex-wife and son shouldn't know about you if they separated 7 years ago.

You say "ex-wife" but have they actually divorced?

Where does your partner live? Where do his ex-wife and son live? (Does she know they're separated, or could she just think he's living away for work or something?)

What is the son's disability?

they are very much seperated , he supports hwr financially, pays mort, alliwamce etc for being carer for son. he is non verbal, aged 15 limited ability life limiting etc v sad....he lives in private rented
we go beyween his and mine....i have no doubt they are very much over it is us fully. they are not divorced howeber, but neither am i.....but deffo done with my ex !!!! ( left him 5 yrs ago )
i know where his ex lives, i used to live 5 mins awsy from.them.....im.very much inv in my psrtners life....know all his family and go to family events, stay over etc.....

OP posts: