partner

[Angran1]

so today xmas day my partner spent the day with his exwife, their son, disabled and his ex wifes family for xmas day.i spent the day alone. to put it into context, weve been together just over 4 years and dont live together. he and ex have a disabled son aged 15, but they get on, been seperated nearly 7 yrs, she doesnt know about me. Weve messaged various times of the day, but at the end of the day, he has got it in the neck a bit from me.
...thoughts....im.not entirely happy, but sorta have to accept for the sake of the son this is how it is.....

Well it's a biggy enough for you to be writing about it on Mumsnet and rowing with him over it, so the situation is obviously not making you happy.

Why are you trying to talk yourself out of your own feelings?

What about this man is so special? You could have the life you deserve with someone else!

Does the son know about you? I'd say it would be impossible for her not to know of you if his family know you? It's a massive red flag and shows she has power over him that cannot be matched. In the bin!

im sounding off about it to hear other peoples views......as i dont know if im over reacting.....and i have nobody else to.bounce off of !

There is absolutely zero chance that I would stay in a relationship where my partner kept me a secret from his ex wife. You're not his affair partner! How demeaning.

I don't think it's overreacting to be unhappy about spending Christmas alone when you have a partner and when you're a secret from the people he's spending it with.

How come you have no-one else to bounce this off? Do you think maybe that's why you're putting up with it?

thats what i think too....but he says what he wants comes first 🤷‍♀️ ....

ive got quite an isolated life due to family falling outs.....i have friends but dont like to impose...ive met his son.....but think hes takimg advamtage a bit as his soms non verbal....and if he were verbal....shed have kniwn by now !

easier said than done.....yr 2 he said hed tell her.....but then it went on amd 0n..
.then he changed his mind to no im.not telling her....i fight with myself over thst....is it that important she knows ?

ive met his son yes....in passing....ive had a few brief interactions amd we face time and he knows me.....but nithing proper timewise......but he is non verbal..

so cant tell his mum 💁‍♀️ bit cheeky of my partner.....or she would know....

Why shouldn't she know?

i agree ! my oh howwver thinks itl causw probs which the son will pick up on.....cant be any worse to when he left is what i say ?

So, in summary, you've been together 4 years, and he is:

1. not divorced
2. paying her mortgage and other expenses
3. keeping you firmly in the background.

4.Doesn't want to live with you

5.' he says what he wants comes first'.

I am aghast at the crap you are choosing to put up with.
As you don't live together the easiest thing is to get rid of him, but I suspect you will continue to be his human doormat.
People treat you how you want to be treated, and at the moment you are clearly showing him he can treat you like crap and you'll keep coming back for more.

Good luck op.

If you're in contact with her child she should definitely know.

Totally agree, you are choosing this and at this point you are doing this to yourself. You are completely wasting your life.

OP have areas of my post Is there any other explanation? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5228848-is-there-any-other-explanation

Ultimately I'm coming to the realisation that if a man wants to make you a priority, he will. x

*have a read I meant

you are right 1,2,4 and 4 yes.
im not in the background other than with her.
i know i want and deserve to be treated better....but who gets that in reality ?

we are good in most aspects,im not mistreated, abused or the like, i just have to put up with imperfections...

If it had gone past a year and he was still keeping me a secret from his ex, I'd be gone. Infact...8 months even.

He's obviously either banging her still or, hoping to one day.

Sorry op but get rid.

Your bar is on the floor lady. Don’t you think you deserve better than this?

He doesn’t want to live with you and doesn’t want to upset his family dynamic to accommodate you.

You aren’t a priority and he may not even see you as a long-term partner.

There’s a reason she doesn’t know and it isn’t for her or your benefit.

When a man tells you it’s his way or the highway, that isn’t an ‘imperfection’, it’s a red flag. This relationship is on his terms and you’ve convinced yourself it works for you because without him, your world would be even smaller than it is already. Accept his BS if you want but at least be honest with yourself why.