You don’t have a mil problem you have a dh problem

[Festivesorrow]

Could someone please help me understand this? I’m really struggling to understand the rationale as DH insists his mums’s behaviour towards me has nothing to do with him. We are hosting her at the moment and I’m struggling to bite my tongue as she tramples over people’s boundaries

It means that dh isn’t putting in boundaries or protecting you

I have a nice mil but in the past she’s become a bit too much (she’s lovely just needs attention) straight away dh dealt with it by ringing her daily before she could ring me with her needs - it’s only right

That is said in situations where the dh condones the mil's behaviour, or would rather the op put up with it face confrontation.

What is she doing?

I think dh should stand up for you but it is not his fault she does it.

It is like if your parents were to say or do things. Same principle.

Why are you biting your tongue? You can politely tell her not to pass comments.

I can give you an example.

My in-laws in the past have been super rude to me. My DH said he never saw it (pretended not to see it), and didn’t have the guts to stand up to his mum.

My brothers wives have never had a bad word uttered about them by my parents, siblings or myself because if they did my 2 brothers would rip me/ us a new one and go NC. Not that I’d slag them off anyway, I wouldn’t as I respect them, but I wouldn’t dare do it because I’d be in serious shit.

That’s the difference.

So he can’t control her behaviour and what she says. So he needs to speak to her and remind her what she’s doing is not ok. He needs to manage the situation rather than shrug shoulders and say not my problem.

My MIL is lovely but every now and then she will say something inappropriate, and DH immediately deals with it so it doesn’t happen again rather than sit back and say nothing and expect me to just accept it.

I guess the question is what would you do if your mum was treating DH the way his mum treats you.

He's responsible for his family and you are for yours. For example, if your dad was being aggressive or argumentative, you would be expected to have a word with him about his behaviour.

The way I would handle it is by asking my husband to speak to his mother about her behaviour and if he refuses then I would.

I am not allowed to say anything as when we’ve attempted to put a boundary in when dc were younger regarding something mil did she said she wasn’t going to speak to any of us ever again.
However, dh went crawling back to his mummy(yes he still refers to him as his mummy) when I went away for the night(we had agreed that we were going to wait for an apology)
So now he won’t say boo to his mum even when she is being incredibly rude and unkind. I’ve already been on the receiving end of it this morning when we were opening gifts.

@Festivesorrow do not bite your tongue!!! for gods sake, call her out if she is being abusive, cheeky or nasty to you or your kids! tell her if she doesnt cut it out she will thrown out the door and told to go home!!

Sod your DH. You don't get to be abused because he's too wet to stand up to her. Be firm and set your own boundaries. If he wants to go back to MIL then pack him a bag so he can stay there.

You've asked your husband to deal with the situation and he hasn't so go ahead. Protect your children and yourself.

Your husband isn't your boss, you don't need permission to speak up for yourself and it teaches your children to do the same.

He allows you to be disrespected by the old boot, then the problem is him. He should be standing up for you and telling her to go straight back the whichever circle of hell she crawled out of.

I know I’ll be made out to be the unreasonable one as she and dh always manage to wriggle out of things so I’m the one in the wrong and I can’t take a joke or I am too sensitive. How could I upset his mummy? Dc just dote on her so she has them wrapped around her finger. Manipulative doesn’t even come close with both of them if I’m honest.

I absolutely concur with this. There are so many reasons why a partner won’t or can’t stand up to a parent - and that happens over years.

you are a grow adult who is worthy or respect in your own home. It is simple, she treats you badly, bite back, every, single, time. If that then results in her going NC with you then you’ll never have to deal with her again - bliss. Your husband probably needs to hear very clearly why you are not prepared to accept that behaviour - not least because your children will thing it is acceptable.

a quiet word with her away from others ear perhaps - she will probably respond it. Stand firm and just repeat on replay that you are telling her the behaviour is not acceptable. You’ll get tears m, I can bet on it. Just tell her it won’t work on you.

yes uncomfortable and awkward (this she bets on), but why should you accept it?

You've got nothing to lose, then, have you? So what if she huffs off if you stand up to her? Result. So what if your DH huffs because you stand up to both of them? He can leave with his mummy.

Your kids don't really dote on her. She's spoiling them. And that's not a great dynamic. You'll be doing them a favour encouraging 'grandma' to huff off out of their lives, tbh.

DH insists his mums’s behaviour towards me has nothing to do with him.

Let me translate, what he means is, he is glad her bs isn’t aimed at him and he isn’t going to catch any heat by intervening. He’s all about him and you are on your own, that’s why people say you have a DH problem, his mother

Thanks all, don’t think it’s fair on the dc to have all the fallout on Xmas Day. But I think I will need to try and do something moving forward. The expectation from dh and the eldest dc(a teen) is that I just ignore her

Have you tried doing just that - ignoring her? As in if she says something rude to you wait a beat and say "Oh sorry Maura, I missed that, did you say something" or literally just not respond at all. People like that get their kick from your reaction (and she is probably getting a kick from knowing you are cross with your husband too) so don't give her one. Whatever she says continue blithely on your way as if she hasn't spoken.

@Pallisers yep I’ve tried ignoring, I’ve not done the I missed that approach yet though

Never let her darken your door again after today. Draw a line in the sand and say no lie to being abused.

Your h cannot and equally will not stand up for you because along with being mired in fear obligation and guilt, she has emasculated him to the point that he would rather see you upset than she. He is that afraid of her. He also needs therapy re his mother.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I’m not convinced he’s scared of his mum he just wants an easy life and doesn’t care about hurting me. I don’t think for a second he’s impacted by fog as he’ll bite back if it’s suits him to have a dig just won’t say boo to defend me

I am not allowed to say anything as when we’ve attempted to put a boundary in when dc were younger regarding something mil did she said she wasn’t going to speak to any of us ever again.

you can say exactly what you want. You don't ever have to host her if she's rude. Tell your DH that either he can tell her kindly, or you will tell her bluntly, that if the behaviour continues she is to leave immediately. And follow through on this. Your DH is a twat. Tell him this.

He doesn't care about hurting you? Fuck him sideways with a pineapple. Just pretend she isn't there to the point that you completely blank her out and don't react to anything. and then tomorrow tell him that he can choose between you. And stick to it. But honestly, you have NOTHING to loose by playing her at her own game.

I would book myself ibto a nice spa hotel. No way I would spend my time like that.

A nice hotel crossed my mind but then I’d miss out on Xmas with the dc and it would play right into dh and mils hands. I’m dammed if I do and danced if I don’t

I would go.
I might even bring dc and leave the home to them.

Your DH is a weak man.

Leave.

Problem solved.