To feel so unbelievably unappreciated.

[13MAPARTHELL]

I want to start by saying, my OH has so many issues mentally and completely lacks emotional understanding, empathy etc towards me, he has been depressed for a few years, he is literally a shell of a human, and so incredibly negative, he will stop taking medication, he struggles with memory significantly, organisation, he cant do basic things even when asked, he has 0 responsibilities at home, he's moods change constantly, he cannot function daily as a 32 year old, but he has to go to work of course, where he still cannot function, he has put us in large debts and when I tell him how I feel or try and speak he is a massive avoidant, he will literally walk away, or blankly stare, never actually discuss, he wont make simple changes to better his life, even leaving the house with him is extremely difficult, he seems to HATE just about every person on earth, and he is incredibly messy, for example he will forget to flush the chain, leave every drawer open etc.

For a while, I have had the brunt of all the above, completely alone, supported him in so many ways, and I care for 2 toddlers. I am absolutely heartbroken, that my voice does not matter, I have never had a thank you, I have done the entirety of xmas, he hasn't as much wrapped a present for his children, I have paid for everything, he earns triple what I do, but cant manage money. I have never had a birthday/ xmas / mothers day present or card, most years my friend comes with mothers day gifts while I sob, and he looks at me blankly, if I get frustrated, he feels I am attacking him, I feel like i cannot be a person, I feel like subconsciously, as a 'woman' he expects it all from me, I could absolutely sob, and he would walk out the room.

I feel like I am his brain at this point, like I have to be his full time carer, my child is going through an assessment, and I just cannot bear that I do not have the relationship everyone else has, with mutual respect, and some form
Of love and appreciation, he is constantly dragging me down with him.

If I leave him, he will probably kill himself, its awful but sometimes I just think, if your not capable of getting help and support and sustaining it, or you cannot do simple things, or be a partner or even a real person, then I am not even sure it makes sense for him to be on this planet.

My kids love there dad, and he is gentle with them, but they wont have what they need from him, I know I should leave, sometimes I think it is just me, but he will never express a feeling, I will probably never know, I hope it is me and he can be better without me

Has anyone been through similar

I’m so sorry, OP. For your children’s sake, you really have to leave him- or ask him to leave. His behavior will start affecting them as well as you, and that’s not fair. Their well-being has to be your priority. 💐

Agreed, its also the things I am missing.

I cant imagine anymore basic things, him like chatting or laughing in social situations, him saying to me 'it will be ok' if im feeling down, or just giving a reassuring hug, fun of any kind, doing something/ anything without me asking, him saying 'shall we do this today' its my birthday on NYE, he would never think 'ah its her birthday what should we do' it won't even cross his mind, I feel like these are real basics and I have no idea anymore what it feels like just to have that

Yes. Eventually I divorced him and he didn’t kill himself. 7 years on he is still a misery, unemployed again , regularly lets his daughter down. However I am happier, my daughter is happier, my new partner moved in this year and yesterday was full of joy instead of the gloomy cloud that was my ex.

Did he/does he do.lots od drugs? Brain change after persistent drug use. Hippy to vacant?

He's basically holding you to ransom, waste your life dealing with his shit or he'll kill himself. Call his bluff. Health/mental health issues are one thing if he's prepared to try to get better. He's not.

You can have mental health issues AND be a twat. They're not mutually exclusive.

Don't spend your life like this and don't make your kids think this is the model for relationships.

You will feel so much better when he’s gone! Like a very heavy load has lifted.
You aren’t responsible for him. You’ve tried to help him and it went nowhere. Focus your precious energy on you and your children.
Maybe when you end it, he will be FORCED to sort himself out.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

Use a benefits calculator to see what you'd be entitled to as a single mum, universal credit would help with childcare and rent

I echo what PP upthread have said - I too was wondering if he’d had a psychotic breakdown as a result of drug use. His symptoms sound like the negative symptoms of psychosis (deadening of affect, difficulties with cognition / sequencing / planning, lack of responsiveness etc).

Such symptoms could be explained by either the negative symptoms of schizophrenia/psychosis, or by the kind of psychomotor retardation of major depressive disorder.

Obviously not wishing or able to diagnose a stranger over the internet. But those would be my hunches. I’m utterly perplexed though that he’s still going to work. That would usually be the first thing someone with those symptoms would be unable to do. Unless he’s using what little functioning he has left on going to work (from a position of worrying about bringing in income to provide for the family) and is then unable to have enough left in the tank for anything other than work?

Is he utterly resistant to going to the GP with you? If you could possibly get him to GP and ask for a referral to either the PCMHT or CMHT and to commence an SSRI in the meantime?

If you become worried about his safety please ring either 111 (option 2 for mental health triage) or ring 999 if in immediate danger to either himself or the family.

You yourself can always ring Samaritans too - they’re there to support anyone having a terrible time, which you are. If it might help having an impartial listening ear then do call them.

Really feel for you OP, and I hope something changes for you soon. All the best 💐

I just wanted to let you know, my ex made threats to off himself if I left and said it would be my fault when he did.

I left. OP the man lives. 17 years later and still very much alive. NC for many years now. My life is happy.

Maybe he means you and children will be dead to him - mine clearly meant that - rather than kill himself.

Some men (not all I know several men who have continued a relationship with children after a split) can't engage with anything/anyone from the past once they move on. My Ex is one of them. There is more than my abandoned child out there to him.

You will be surprised what help UC can offer you as a single parent, with child care and high rent costs.
Good Luck @13MAPARTHELL this is no life.

The thought of him killing himself is a factor in you deciding to leave him. Up until now you have taken responsibility for him but you need to hand this responsibility over to someone else. When you do leave let family, gp, friends or whoever know and make your worries about him killing himself clear to them. They will need to keep an eye on him. He is not your child, he is just a drain on you which is taking away energy you should have for your DC's and yourself

It might be if you weren't there for him to rely on, he would seek help or end up getting help (or find another woman) rather than killing himself.

I don't think you should sacrifice your own life to enable him.

Thank you

I have told him today, its over.

Well done OP, I hope you are okay

That's really good news, it will take a while to get settled but after that your life will be so much better.
Do you have support in real life to help you through the transition?