To feel so unbelievably unappreciated.

[13MAPARTHELL]

I want to start by saying, my OH has so many issues mentally and completely lacks emotional understanding, empathy etc towards me, he has been depressed for a few years, he is literally a shell of a human, and so incredibly negative, he will stop taking medication, he struggles with memory significantly, organisation, he cant do basic things even when asked, he has 0 responsibilities at home, he's moods change constantly, he cannot function daily as a 32 year old, but he has to go to work of course, where he still cannot function, he has put us in large debts and when I tell him how I feel or try and speak he is a massive avoidant, he will literally walk away, or blankly stare, never actually discuss, he wont make simple changes to better his life, even leaving the house with him is extremely difficult, he seems to HATE just about every person on earth, and he is incredibly messy, for example he will forget to flush the chain, leave every drawer open etc.

For a while, I have had the brunt of all the above, completely alone, supported him in so many ways, and I care for 2 toddlers. I am absolutely heartbroken, that my voice does not matter, I have never had a thank you, I have done the entirety of xmas, he hasn't as much wrapped a present for his children, I have paid for everything, he earns triple what I do, but cant manage money. I have never had a birthday/ xmas / mothers day present or card, most years my friend comes with mothers day gifts while I sob, and he looks at me blankly, if I get frustrated, he feels I am attacking him, I feel like i cannot be a person, I feel like subconsciously, as a 'woman' he expects it all from me, I could absolutely sob, and he would walk out the room.

I feel like I am his brain at this point, like I have to be his full time carer, my child is going through an assessment, and I just cannot bear that I do not have the relationship everyone else has, with mutual respect, and some form
Of love and appreciation, he is constantly dragging me down with him.

If I leave him, he will probably kill himself, its awful but sometimes I just think, if your not capable of getting help and support and sustaining it, or you cannot do simple things, or be a partner or even a real person, then I am not even sure it makes sense for him to be on this planet.

My kids love there dad, and he is gentle with them, but they wont have what they need from him, I know I should leave, sometimes I think it is just me, but he will never express a feeling, I will probably never know, I hope it is me and he can be better without me

Has anyone been through similar

I hope it's a good day tomorrow for you and your little ones, OP. Please promise yourself that, once the break is over, you'll see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Your kids don't need to grow up thinking it's normal or OK to behave like he does.

Was he like this when you started dating and was he like it when you got pregnant?

Oh lovely, you sound like you need a break! Can he go to a relative or friends for a few days to give you space?

He is probably a massive drain on financial resources, separating might not be as tough as you think.

Have a look at a benefit calculator like entitled to - it will give you an idea of support you could receive from Universal Credit.

If he keeps going to work then you’d also receive child maintenance- there is a calculator on the government website which can give you an idea of amounts.

He will 100% not kill himself, this is not true. But it is true it would not be your fault OP.

No definitely not from what I can remember,
We went from a sort of party lifestyle to this, so it happened very quickly really, and its been a progression since my second was born, I would never have children with someone I saw this in, my mum always told me, be careful who you have kids with and its been drilled into me.

The first few years, believe it or not, he was a literal hippy! Love and peace, deep conversations so kind and loving and thoughtful, it is absolutely insane the change

Enjoy tomorrow as much as you can. But from the new year onwards, understand there are no medals for putting up with a partner like this. Don’t be a hero or a carer for someone who doesn’t appreciate you.

Thank you my love, that is a good idea!
I could do with the break, I have started doing things, in terms of, I rely on him for driving, but I have moved the nursery so I can walk it, I have signed up for primary within walking distance etc as well, I have looked just now, and I might be ok financially, not great but I can probably manage as I am good with things like that generally.

Being out, will also mean I do not need to pay for any of his debts

Oh OP. Sounds like my ex.

Your presence is enabling his inactivity. His behaviour is a choice, his disabilities aren't. He's choosing to stop taking medication, or choosing the path that doesn't better himself, and he's choosing to take you down with him because you are staying with him.

The truth is none of this is your fault but it will probably get better if you separate.

You can't stand with him as a united front on this and help him overcome this extreme bout of poor mental health because he isn't meeting you in the middle. You are already doing more than your fair share in this relationship. It's not an equal partnership and hasn't been for a long time.

You know the answer.

Also speak to women's aid they were amazing at pointing me to financial advice services.

@13MAPARTHELL

The first few years, believe it or not, he was a literal hippy! Love and peace, deep conversations so kind and loving and thoughtful, it is absolutely insane the change

From what I read on here many men go like this after the birth of a second child. They can't seem to cope with small children & toddlers.

I would be astounded if he behaves like this at work & gets away with it. He's presumably earning almost £5k & I can't see they would carry on paying someone this incompetent.

He's just wants to go back to being a poetic hippy which is hard when you have 2 small kids.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, OP. You sound so lovely and deserve SO much better.

I’d worry about the long-term effects of this situation on your physical and mental health too.

Please leave. Life can be so much better and more peaceful for you and the kids than this. Xx

@13MAPARTHELL I can relate to alot of your post OP. I've been with my DH for 15 years and he has long term depression. He's had multiple mental breakdowns, 1 in which he was hospitalised for 6 weeks and spent 4 months off work. He has zero empathy (not malicious but a complete lack of it), a diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder and has just been fired from his job for gross misconduct. He seems to only manage to last in a job for 3 years then usually goes into self destruct mode and quits or like recently got sacked. Life feels very unstable with him and I feel relieved when he's not around. For the last 3 years he's been on anti depressants, seen a psychiatrist and therapist on a regular basis but I can't say I've seen any improvement apart from him being more of aware of his behaviour. I'm not sure why I'm still here. Neither his therapist - we've spoken candidly. She says he won't change, and she understands if I leave him but also worries he might kill himself.
The one thing I will take into 2025 is that I need to prioritise myself and my son what I want. I've spent the last 4 years supporting my DH (gave up career when I had DS) and picking up all the slack and all of the pieces when things go wrong (because apart from his job he doesn't seem to be able to function - be a parent or a husband). Even the most basic tasks like your DH he cannot do or will not do (im not sure which) - he is oblivious to his actions. He constantly ruminates, cannot switch his brain off and it feels like he exists on the periphery of our family because he's rarely mentally present. My son is autistic too so that's another challenge. But I need to get control back in my life because I am not responsible for my husbands well being, but I am responsible for mine. So try to think about where you want to be in 5, 10, 15 years time OP - what do you want for yourself and your kids. Will you regret staying with him? Do you think he can change?
I've spent the evening having the same thoughts as you. I've bought and wrapped all of the presents for him, DS and myself - I've done my own stocking. I've cleaned, I've put DS to bed, did the food shop, all the admin. I'm not sure what value DH adds right now.

I am so sorry you are going through this, can we chat in the new year? It sounds like we can really relate, it would be great to have someone like yourself to chat to ❤️

I hope you have the best xmas x

@13MAPARTHELL yes of course. Let's pm in the New Year. Fingers crossed for a smooth Christmas day OP!

OP, please put yourself first.
Your children need you well.
They have to be your priority.
If you drown, who will save them.

Do it for them, if not yourself, before you crack up.

That was my thoughts building sites are dangerous and procedures have to be followed and he earns triple what op does so I take it's a skilled job so how does he stay employed?
Op you'd be better away from him are is MH issues that bad or exaggerated so he can behave as he wants.

"She says he won't change, and she understands if I leave him but also worries he might kill himself."

A therapist should never say that to you. That's terrible behaviour on her part. Please don't allow her to put that on you.

Well done for taking a quick Look at the money side. Can I infer that you don’t drive? Perhaps now is the time to learn so that when you leave you’ll have control and independence?

The only person you can control OP is yourself and your reactions.
You are making subtle meaningful changes to make your life easier.
Have you checked universal credit etc to see what you would get as a single parent?
Does your H have family you could share your concerns with ?

This.

I agree with another pp who says you might not be as skint as you think.

my ex was also a massive financial drain- it was easier when he left

Not necessarily I'm sure UC would pay a Large portion of your rent others on here that have private rent may be able to advise better or do benefits calculator I think there's one called turn 2 us.

I meant to quote op.😀

Please use a benefit calculator like Entitled To and put in your figures as a single parent. Universal Credit should potentially cover your rent or most of it. Contact Citizens Advice who specialise in supporting people through life change. You can move on.

This. You need to leave. It sounds like a miserable existence. You need to leave. You are not responsible for his emotional wellbeing. You need to look after yourself and priorities your wellbeing and happiness. If you become unwell your kids won't have a functioning adult to look after them.

Check this benefit calculator. https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

Check the child maintenance calculator
https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Remember you'll get 25% discount on your council tax and your bills will be reduced. You might not be as skint as you think. Regardless, you'll be better off. Money isn't everything. It helps but it isn't everything.