Breif history: Things have been v hard since birth of DD (2.5) she is my 2nd child, i have DD1 (17), DPs first. Unplanned but very much wanted and loved. I had a bad time after she was born, illness bereavement and PND (only diagnosed last year), we are in a bad situation financially. I am still on medication for depression and v bad anxiety. When things got really bad with my depression (i was totally irrational, almost manic) it took a huge toll on our relationship - DP told me he had less and less feelings for me the more horrible i was (this was pre diagnosis) and that he almost felt nothing for me, couldnt look at me, the full monty, and that we should split - well, i begged and pleaded and he agreed to stay. Things got better, my anxiety was still bad and about a year later i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, chucked on ADs and left to get on with it. The ADs did help, but i do have some really bad days, terrible PMT, but most days are OK.
DP knows how insecure i am and that questioning our relationship makes me feel terrible. Its like a spite thing - we had a very stressfull day today and i have actually been having what i call a "mad" day today. Just a very short fuse, frustrated and generally not great, was happy to go along with that if you know what i mean. But out of the blue he said, "you're not all there you know that don't you" because i was looking at him funny because DD had put some stickers on his shirt. Well he may well be right but WTF?? I can't remember what i said, but probably something along the lines of "well if you dont like it....." so he comes out with the classic sort of thing.."Well, perhaps its time to say goodbye" that sort of shit....he wont leave, he wont leave DD, he ADORES her. I have had enough of all that shit and i just said "look, dont pull this shit on me, if you want to go - go, i wont hold onto your trousers again (i did before - i have no shame )" Cant remember what was said next but he then said "You killed me (meaning us) ages ago" ......So, you tell me, what the hell am i supposed to think....he is VERY stressed out just now and doesnt feel well, and i do think its just spite, but...i will never forget that day when he looked at me and told me that he had no feelings for me, and I am pretty sure he stayed for two reasons, one because he felt sorry for me, i was destroyed and secondly because of DD, probably not in that order. He is a good man, kind, considerate, everything i would ever want, but When he says these things, it does make me wonder if he is right, if there really isn't any "us" anymore. I dont know how to feel about it either - ive certainly no fight in me, not sure i have it in me to beg him to stay if he wants to go, not that i want him to, i still love him, never stopped...but its so hard, we can never have a proper conversation without DD whining for attention (which she always gets from daddy) and it can be very stressfull when we are trying to sort out financial shit (as we were earlier today - although thats not what triggered the comments, i dont even know what started it). What makes me , is i will then get the whole, you kow i didnt mean it shit. Its like he uses it to keep me in check..yes i know i was being a bit short today, i think i have PMT but its been a shit day, bored DD, very tired mummy, broken TV and cant afford a new one. Crap weather and having to sort out mortgage shit.
So tell me, is he lashing out, or does he really feel nothing for me? He is so affectionate to DD, and thats great, i love to see it, they are so close - i feel left out though, on both parts, from him and from her. Im not jealous of DD AT ALL, but christ, i remember when he was affectionate with me like that, not anymore though. We have sex, but its mechanical, can be quite active and passionate, but hardly ever loving, and i miss that so much.