What am i supposed to think??? long and self pitying (again)

[lucyellensmum]

Breif history: Things have been v hard since birth of DD (2.5) she is my 2nd child, i have DD1 (17), DPs first. Unplanned but very much wanted and loved. I had a bad time after she was born, illness bereavement and PND (only diagnosed last year), we are in a bad situation financially. I am still on medication for depression and v bad anxiety. When things got really bad with my depression (i was totally irrational, almost manic) it took a huge toll on our relationship - DP told me he had less and less feelings for me the more horrible i was (this was pre diagnosis) and that he almost felt nothing for me, couldnt look at me, the full monty, and that we should split - well, i begged and pleaded and he agreed to stay. Things got better, my anxiety was still bad and about a year later i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, chucked on ADs and left to get on with it. The ADs did help, but i do have some really bad days, terrible PMT, but most days are OK.

DP knows how insecure i am and that questioning our relationship makes me feel terrible. Its like a spite thing - we had a very stressfull day today and i have actually been having what i call a "mad" day today. Just a very short fuse, frustrated and generally not great, was happy to go along with that if you know what i mean. But out of the blue he said, "you're not all there you know that don't you" because i was looking at him funny because DD had put some stickers on his shirt. Well he may well be right but WTF?? I can't remember what i said, but probably something along the lines of "well if you dont like it....." so he comes out with the classic sort of thing.."Well, perhaps its time to say goodbye" that sort of shit....he wont leave, he wont leave DD, he ADORES her. I have had enough of all that shit and i just said "look, dont pull this shit on me, if you want to go - go, i wont hold onto your trousers again (i did before - i have no shame )" Cant remember what was said next but he then said "You killed me (meaning us) ages ago" ......So, you tell me, what the hell am i supposed to think....he is VERY stressed out just now and doesnt feel well, and i do think its just spite, but...i will never forget that day when he looked at me and told me that he had no feelings for me, and I am pretty sure he stayed for two reasons, one because he felt sorry for me, i was destroyed and secondly because of DD, probably not in that order. He is a good man, kind, considerate, everything i would ever want, but When he says these things, it does make me wonder if he is right, if there really isn't any "us" anymore. I dont know how to feel about it either - ive certainly no fight in me, not sure i have it in me to beg him to stay if he wants to go, not that i want him to, i still love him, never stopped...but its so hard, we can never have a proper conversation without DD whining for attention (which she always gets from daddy) and it can be very stressfull when we are trying to sort out financial shit (as we were earlier today - although thats not what triggered the comments, i dont even know what started it). What makes me , is i will then get the whole, you kow i didnt mean it shit. Its like he uses it to keep me in check..yes i know i was being a bit short today, i think i have PMT but its been a shit day, bored DD, very tired mummy, broken TV and cant afford a new one. Crap weather and having to sort out mortgage shit.

So tell me, is he lashing out, or does he really feel nothing for me? He is so affectionate to DD, and thats great, i love to see it, they are so close - i feel left out though, on both parts, from him and from her. Im not jealous of DD AT ALL, but christ, i remember when he was affectionate with me like that, not anymore though. We have sex, but its mechanical, can be quite active and passionate, but hardly ever loving, and i miss that so much.

LEM, oyu must be smart.My supervisor told me today that a PhD involves about 6 times more research than an MSc. It sunk me into a huge depression!

I'm not surprised if he does resent you for not earning (sorry to be harsh). You are a family and you need to pull together. What do yuo do all day anyway?

Thankyou for your honesty choccie, what keeps you going?

The point of the poem is that apathy begets apathy.

Tomorrow get up have a shower, put your trainers on and go for a walk.

Talk to DH about giving up the business, but couch it in terms of coming in from the cold, during the credit crunch. Do not say to him, this is a pile of steaming poo.

Resolve that tomorrow will be a positive day. Bite back any negative comments that spring to your lips.

HTH

I am now off for a quick look at the rest of the board, and then off to bed, suggest you do the same.

I love my children. They keep me going. I aspire to be the best mum I can. I am a good mum and I truly enjoy their company and doing things with them. That is my consolation.

And I hope that one day my husband will either start loving me again (but I know I have to change for that to happen) or leave. But I think none of us wants them to grow up in a one parent family.

spend too much time on here, i play with DD, take her to groups, thats it, i dont know how i manage to drag out the day to be honest. It IS driving me mad i know that. But i jsut cannot contemplate leaving her - i dont know why, i did leave DD1 and shes OK (ish).

As for the PhD, i reckon your supervisor is talking out of her arse! I didn't do a masters, but i rather wish i did, as i would have "hit the deck running" as it were, but my friends who did worked alot harder in the year than the PhD students. My friend did a masters then a PhD, we pretty much spent 2 years dossing around, then a year stressing to get all the lab work done, then writing up, it all went a bit tits up for me, what with getting pregnant and sick, but i hated writing it up, but then everyone hates writing up and i dont think i know anyone who is proud of their thesis. I look at mine and dont even recognise that i wrote it - its not very good. Honestly, i think if you have done a masters then doing a PhD would just follow on naturally. You sound like you are pretty busy though, but then you know what they say, if you want something done, ask a busy woman . You could combine it with work, it would take forever i guess, but im sure you could and should do it. Go for it.

I dont regret doing mine, im not sure it was actually the best career move for me actually, but i did enjoy it and it did make me more confident (at the time). If i had my time over again i would have chosen a different subject.

BTW, A friend of mine became extremely lethargic from her ADs. She entered a state of "I dont care about anything". She just had no drive, no inclination to do anything. Total "so what" attitude.

DP is alot more positive about the business at the moment, and has agreed to make some changes to his pricing (ie stop doing fucking cheap jobs for people who dont want to pay the levels they should be for his expertise), so i dont want to suggest a backtrack. I do resent the business and wish he never started it but i also feel that its put us through so much shit that to give it all up will just belittle what we have been through. Does that make any sense?

I am going to bed Bree, you are proper scary you are , but you do talk a lot of sense. I need my backside kicking.

I just wish DP hadnt said what he did tonight - yes i was having a shit day, but i knew why and just was happy to let it go as a bad day. I will talk to him at a more appropriate time about it, he mustn't say those things.

Proper scary.....

I am, you should have seen me when I was pushing/fighting the system for my DH to be assesed for a cochlear implant.

Now that was impressive.

i forgot to eat tonight, hmmmm, self pity has its bonuses

i thought you said you were going to bed bree

The irnoy being, that in the past people will have described me as Super confident, Strong, capable, OTT and get this intimidating and scary - my friend said to me, once - "you and X (a work collegue) are both really strong women - you don't take any shit from anyone" Well, X is his partner now and i think she is great, she still is proper scary though

Hi LEM!

Hope you slept well...

I just wanted to say that I think your not wanting to leave DD is a sign of anxiety.

Over the last year, I have suffered from really bad panic attacks - have seen my career go down the loo and ended up homeless at one point (only for a few hours, but very scary nonetheless) - and it got to the point where I would simply NOT be able to leave my dog. It was like he was the only thing that mattered in the world - the only thing I could depend on and I'd just die if anything happened to him. Yet, when we were at home, I didn't do any of the 'nice' things I meant to - didn't take him for long walks, or play with him or cook him great food. I just sat there in a mess...

Now my life is much more sorted (and I'm hoping to start my PhD soon! - and I hope you are right about the MSc thing because I already have one of those!!!) and I feel confident again.......

You can, and will, get over this. Do agree with whoever said get off the ADs - get back to being you!!

I feel better this morning - well ish. DP has agreed not to do cheap jobs anymore and after the jobs he is commited to he is going to take some agency work on - phew, because the only money that has come into this house in the last month has been the tax credits and that went straight on the mortgage which was four months behind, I had to be like a rotweiller about using that money for that but i paid it yesterday and felt sick handing over 2.5K but there you are.

I want to come off the ADs, but im scared i will go back to how i was - our relationship is just not in a place where we can risk that just now. I think once things settle with the money will be a better time. So please God, that will be soon.

Im sorry about my whittering again - i do this from time to time and i dont really know why. Today i have a mission, its not much of one, just sorting out council tax benefit and taking DD to the library for story time. When i have nothing doing, thats when i slip.

Moondog - don't let your supervisor put you off doing the PhD. I remember my degree tutor advising me not to choose a particular option for my third year, because it was "very difficult", i chose it to be bloody minded, it turned out that because i was actually interested in it (as apposed to the modules they make you do) i did really well with it, and that was the subject area that i did my PhD in. Her subject area bored my arse off, i would have struggled with that. If you can do the masters then you can do the PhD - providing the interest is there, you'll not struggle. I imagine you would have quite alot of say in what the project would be, i lost interest in my project because i could see the whole project was going no-where, and that my supervisor was flogging a dead horse. You should go for it.

Youcannotbeserious - good luck with yours, what is it in? You make me embarrased really, because all my self absorbed pity stops me from realising that im not the only person in the world with problems.

BLOODY HORMONES.

Choccie, your post made me sad for you - we both could do with an injection of self confidence. Life dulls the love, but i bet its not dead - we just have to find it again and nurture it xx

Good LEM and thanks for the advice.
Now, go and do something today,something different.Take a swim or have a stroll.

Im just off out to sort out council tax and take DD to library for story time (a new thing) might walk back along beach if it doesnt piss down.

Thanks again moondog x

get the application for PhD in!!

LEM, I don't think you should come off your ADs as it sounds as though they are keeping you reasonably on the level, but perhaps you should see your GP if you feel that they're naking you lethargic.

You mentioned PMT. I've no experience of that, having been on the pill for ages, but wonder if you should also be asking your GP if going on the pill would help that aspect.

I agree with whoever said that not wanting to leave your dd at all may be a sign of anxiety.

My own feeling is that you really really need to get a job, not just for the money (I'm sure your dh would respect you more if you were bringing something in, even just part time) but also to give a structure to your day and some self respect.

Easy for me to say, I know, and I wonder if a course of CBT might help you over what seems to be a bit of an anxiety problem.

LEM, someone mentioned volunteering and you seemed hesitant due to lack of confidence. Have you considered becoming involved in something baby/toddler related? I'm thinking specifically of NCT or MAMA. They are run by volunteers and always desperate for help. You can start of with a very small commitment and build it up if you like it. Or what about local mother and toddler groups? Again, many of them are run by volunteers. Just doing a small thing once a week might improve your confidence. Plus the contact with other people would be good.

ive done volunteer work in the past, maybe when DD goes to play school - to be honest, i think NCT might bring me out in a rash, im just not the NCT type im afraid.

The job thing is weird. The fact that the world and his wife are telling me i should get a job does make me wonder. But truth be told i have no idea what i want to do, or how to go about it - isnt that mad! My qualifications are in biology and very specialised. Not much in that vein locally, apart from the university but there is nothing doing. I do keep emailing my supervisor but theres nothing there, funding being how it is etc. I could never commute, can you imagine, me, on a train in london, at rush hour - lmao - id be a quivering wreck so i would. Im not sure i want to stay in science, teaching would fit in with the family but im not sure that is the right motivation for a job with so much responsibility. I mean, how do people cope with childcare in the school holidays, i can;t really rely on my mum, she is not in great health - but that is something i will have to think about.

I told DP i was thiking of getting a job - he laughed said he's heard it all before. Its true, im all mouth and no action im afraid. Thing is, i dont want a job right now - i want to be with DD, but the monotony is driving me nuts (does it notice?) and i feel guilty about that.

I do feel more positive today, even the council tax dragon didnt upset me, despite talking to me like an idiot. Got soaked in the rain, i mean drenched, wringing hair out wet and my coat is still soaked, but did everything i planned to do. must go and be a mummy now

Well done LEM and good for you.
Lots of little tihngs add up.