Is my marriage over

[Bettertoday]

Feeling stuck and very low. Married to a very good man, who I love very much, great father to our kids, still find him attractive and he's hands on with kids, helps with pick up, does the washing and diy. But we have an ongoing struggle as a couple when it comes to communication and affection. I desperately want his love and affection, not in a needy way but in a protective loving way. He doesn't talk to me, is very shut off emotionally which I have learnt to accept over the years as he didn't have the best upbringing and I know he doesn't mean it. Even just day to day how was your day stuff. The affection is so off, he will only touch me for sex, and if I cuddle him he just doesn't do it back, like ever, unless it's in bed and leads to more. He does compliment me sexually all the time. He's a good dad, but so strict and hard on the kids, it's his way or no way and never willing to compromise. He believes shouting is good. My ds has autism and has a very controlling personality that is almost impossible to handle but dh just antagonises him and makes things worse. Every day is stressful and includes shouting. We have had a tough year, but relationship wise it's been rocky for years. I've been begging him for more communication and affection, to be less shouty and show affection. I do a lot in terms of household stuff like all the finances, food shopping, cleaning, organising, holidays everything is down to me or just doesn't get done. He doesn't take instructions well at all I've tried all ways of asking for help (directly, indirectly, by text, being bold, being soft) but he just resists and gets angry all the time like a stroppy teen. He drinks a lot. I've tried to help him cut back but he just doesn't want to. There isn't a day he doesn't drink, even when he's ill. I think he's grumpy and difficult beacuse of how much he drinks. But he's in denial and blames bad moods all on me. But he won't do anything about it. So I gave up trying years ago and just internalize my frustration..I recently started a new job after redundancy, a job I totally love and have found a new confidence and lease of life. I went to a work party and unexpectedly connected well with someone, too well that I ended up drinking with him after the party finished at a bar, and then he kissed me. Like split second kiss but enough to consider it cheating. This was totally against my own morals and out of character completely. I told dh everything the next day. He was distraught, heartbroken but we spent weeks talking and working on things. Things have never been better, he admitted to being difficult and we both talked about how much we love eachother. It felt great, he was so affectionate, loving, open and kind, didn't want to let me go, literally. And I sordidly thought the 'kiss' was the best thing that could have happened to us. Fast forward 6 months and it's back to square one. He's grumpy, aggressive, cold, unaffectionate and unapproachable. Just like he has been for years. I do suffer openly with with depression and my way of coping is talking..but dh understandably can't cope with it. He's just not got the skills. So we go round in circles. I'm stuck and feel like there's not much else that can be done. I'm thinking about this guy all the time, craving his love and affection he showed that evening, and have a terrible urge to end it all and I'm starting to look at how to leave. But then dh will do something nice like make me a cup of tea and I'm like how can I walk! I'm so confused! The kids are obviously are big concern, as is financially, and where would we live. How will dh cope!? Will I fall apart!

I just don't know what to do :-( my upbringing tells me to just stay put, grass isn't greener, but I'm torn and think I can't go on living miserably

You have put he is a great man and father but then gone on to say he is grumpy , drinks too much and shouts a lot . to me that's not the making of a good dad or husband !

My God OP your bar is low if him making you a cup of tea means you melt and want to stay.

I'm not seeing whatever you're seeing. He's not going to change. Do you want to be ten years older and with someone who doesn't show affection, you can't have a conversation with, shouts, won't hug you and drinks every day?

He sounds absolutely awful and I wouldn't want my children around him.

@mycatsanutter I know, but all round he's a good person. He is fine when he's drinking, it's when he's not drinking that's he's difficult but he has no awareness of it. He needs drink to be fun and function

OP, your DH is not a good man. He is a bad husband and father. The scraps of affection and kindness he shows you are the bare minimum to keep you around to service him. Feeling how you do in a relationship where you should be a solid, equal team is awful. Life’s too short.

You might want to read “Should I stay or should I go?” By Lundy Bancroft.

Really helped me to sort my head out when agonising over splitting with my horrible ex and “breaking up a family” and gives you a step by step approach to give OH every opportunity to step up and meet your needs before making that final decision.

@JoyousPoet thank you I will look at that x

Also sending big hugs! You sound lovely and you deserve better. My previous post sounded more matter of fact than I’d intended! Xx

You shouldn't have confessed to kissing somebody. Your husband sounds like a total nightmare, you can't be happy living like this I would leave.

Reading your initial description made me
think he is autistic and then you mentioned your DS. The sensitivity to touch etc can often be a trait.

it’s sounds like he is very dominant regardless

This sounds like an abusive man. Read this book and see if it resonates.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Agree completely about likely ASD. So many traits - Actually completely typical that he can respond to problems, criticism, etc by doing what’s wanted and expected short term, then his brain says ‘ok I’ve done that now’. Same thing as ‘I want sex so I need to be affectionate. If I don’t, then I don’t need to be’.
Shouting is good?? Won’t take instructions? Rigid thinking - can’t cope with challenges or changes to what he wants, is expecting.
I can see all the signs - but sorry, don’t know where to start advising you on how to cope. There are some things you won’t be able to change

It's awful existence. But reading thru your story, your husband is autistic. It's obvious. I don't think you're compatible. Best to part

You say at the beginning, he is a good man, and a good dad, but as you go on you demonstrate that he is not… I would really think about whether you want to stay with this man

He's proved to you that he's capable of being the man you need him to be (after the kiss), but you can see he's now choosing not to be the man you need him to be.

In your shoes I'd leave with the dc and have a more peaceful like with the option of finding someone else

Op I’m sorry this sounds so hard. 🎄

Its a very sad fact but sometimes love alone isn’t enough.

I don’t have much time but I think his daily drinking even when ill is a big red flag.

And I think you may find that your depression may well lift when when you start taking control of your life.

Good luck 💐

Hi OP it's a sad post to read on Christmas Eve. Just be mindful that getting rid of the useless male is a standard advice on Mumsnet. Never mind the practicalities, guilt about splitting the family and the fact that so many good women struggle to find a decent man after divorce so choose to live alone. I can't comment whether your husband is autistic or not. Do you like reading? If you do I would really recommend Loving Against the Odds by Rob Parson or Why Women Talk and Men Walk. Both books available on Amazon for about a tenner. Cheaper than marriage counselling.

He is not a very good man. He is an abusive alcoholic. I know this will be hard for you to grasp, but the sooner you do it, the better.

Is it any wonder you were tempted when someone showed you some genuine physical affection that wasn't just because they wanted to use your vagina to cum in.

I'm sorry but using you as little more than a human fleshlight is emotional abuse.

ASD does not equal abuse and he is likely not to be only any spectrum. He does this because he can and he is at heart abusive.

Make the break sooner rather than later and never heed the words of any abuse excuser or apologist. Do read the Lundy Bancroft publication called Why does he do that because your man is in those pages.

Sounds like you'd be happier away from him. But don't jump straight into another relationship. Find yourself first. You've put everyone else first so now it's your turn.

And your bar for a good dad is on the floor if you think his behaviour towards your kids is that if a good dad. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive about their man.

A man who is addicted to the level that without drink, he's in a bad mood, is not a good man. What's the long term plan with that, make sure he's always drinking when at home so he can be in a good mood? It's unworkable and unsustainable.
Doesn't do homework or any organising, even refuses and gets mad when asked to, even though you work too? That's ridiculous, you need to change your opinion of him. What does he actually do that makes him good - apart from odd cup of tea ?
He can turn it on though for 6 months when he thought he might lose you, or when faced with competition, so all along, he's had the ability, just choses to be like this.
I get the feeling that complaining about how he is, will just fall on deaf ears. So I'd jump to " either you buck up and behave like you did the last 6 months, or I will leave you, because this isn't good enough". It might create change, probably for only another few months, so give fair warning that slipping back to old ways means you're done.
I do wonder how much improvement there actually was, as I get the feeling you have low expectations in a man and are easily pleased. Was he nicer to the DC's? Did he gmdo housework? Cook, clean? Or was he just doing the easier part of chucking some affection your way?
Now you are working, could be a good time to form an exit plan, doesn't mean you have to use it, but it's good to have options and a backup for when you get to the point where you've really had enough.

You can’t change him- you ask him for more affection, but that’s not going to happen unless he became a whole different person.
no one should give their life up to try to make things work with someone who can’t even meet them halfway. This is your life. How do you want it to look? How do you want to spend the rest of your life?

The drinking sounds concerning but your cheating is also equally concerning. No one is a victim here.

So you're married to a lazy alcoholic who is mean to your kids, won't do anything around the house, and can't be bothered to show you any affection unless sex happens.

This is a relationshit. And stop lying to yourself that a shouty alcoholic whose behaviour gets worse when he hasn't had a drink is a good dad. He's likely having symptoms from withdrawal.

He sounds awful to be with. Not a good model for your children. I would get them out of that environment.