Feeling stuck and very low. Married to a very good man, who I love very much, great father to our kids, still find him attractive and he's hands on with kids, helps with pick up, does the washing and diy. But we have an ongoing struggle as a couple when it comes to communication and affection. I desperately want his love and affection, not in a needy way but in a protective loving way. He doesn't talk to me, is very shut off emotionally which I have learnt to accept over the years as he didn't have the best upbringing and I know he doesn't mean it. Even just day to day how was your day stuff. The affection is so off, he will only touch me for sex, and if I cuddle him he just doesn't do it back, like ever, unless it's in bed and leads to more. He does compliment me sexually all the time. He's a good dad, but so strict and hard on the kids, it's his way or no way and never willing to compromise. He believes shouting is good. My ds has autism and has a very controlling personality that is almost impossible to handle but dh just antagonises him and makes things worse. Every day is stressful and includes shouting. We have had a tough year, but relationship wise it's been rocky for years. I've been begging him for more communication and affection, to be less shouty and show affection. I do a lot in terms of household stuff like all the finances, food shopping, cleaning, organising, holidays everything is down to me or just doesn't get done. He doesn't take instructions well at all I've tried all ways of asking for help (directly, indirectly, by text, being bold, being soft) but he just resists and gets angry all the time like a stroppy teen. He drinks a lot. I've tried to help him cut back but he just doesn't want to. There isn't a day he doesn't drink, even when he's ill. I think he's grumpy and difficult beacuse of how much he drinks. But he's in denial and blames bad moods all on me. But he won't do anything about it. So I gave up trying years ago and just internalize my frustration..I recently started a new job after redundancy, a job I totally love and have found a new confidence and lease of life. I went to a work party and unexpectedly connected well with someone, too well that I ended up drinking with him after the party finished at a bar, and then he kissed me. Like split second kiss but enough to consider it cheating. This was totally against my own morals and out of character completely. I told dh everything the next day. He was distraught, heartbroken but we spent weeks talking and working on things. Things have never been better, he admitted to being difficult and we both talked about how much we love eachother. It felt great, he was so affectionate, loving, open and kind, didn't want to let me go, literally. And I sordidly thought the 'kiss' was the best thing that could have happened to us. Fast forward 6 months and it's back to square one. He's grumpy, aggressive, cold, unaffectionate and unapproachable. Just like he has been for years. I do suffer openly with with depression and my way of coping is talking..but dh understandably can't cope with it. He's just not got the skills. So we go round in circles. I'm stuck and feel like there's not much else that can be done. I'm thinking about this guy all the time, craving his love and affection he showed that evening, and have a terrible urge to end it all and I'm starting to look at how to leave. But then dh will do something nice like make me a cup of tea and I'm like how can I walk! I'm so confused! The kids are obviously are big concern, as is financially, and where would we live. How will dh cope!? Will I fall apart!
I just don't know what to do :-( my upbringing tells me to just stay put, grass isn't greener, but I'm torn and think I can't go on living miserably