Can't cope with people's insensitive comments/questions.

[Ceriane]

Not sure where to start with this one....it's a situation I feel I have gone around in circles with over the years. I had an LTR in my 20's which ended as I was unhappy, just couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with that person, and I don't regret ending it. I have been on my own for most of my 30's with some dating here and there and the occasional almost relationship, but mainly was just happy to be by myself and open to finding love if it came along, but not willing to force it for the sake of it. I did feel the pressure of my biological clock, however now that I'm in my early 40's I was never 100% sure if I did want children or if it was more about, going along with the social expectations.

I have been on my own for over a decade now, and although it's partly by choice, when I see people I have become increasingly ashamed about it. I know I shouldn't be. I'm not a confident person by any stretch of the imagination and I worry what people think.

At the moment, I feel that getting into a relationship is the last thing I want. I dread family gatherings and meeting up with certain friends because I get a lot of "so....why do you think you are single?" it's such an insensitive question, and I feel I have to laugh it off and pretend I don't know.....even though I don't even want a relationship right now.....

The real reason: Painful recurring gyanecological problems that mean sex is out of the question.....I'm in the middle of a really bad patch with this and it's really getting me down.....I also have a chronic health condition that can be quite debilitating and because of this I have no sex drive, and it's also difficult to even date because I have no energy and my whole body just feels rubbish at the moment, wouldn't even want to get intimate with someone.....I actively avoid relationships because of all of this....telling myself, I am sure I will look for someone when I feel better....however now that I'm in my 40's, I feel less enthusiastic about this.

I get certain people who I know will bring the subject up about why I'm not with anyone....the confused look "why do you think you haven't got a man? Where do you think you are going wrong?" these questions/comments play on my mind for weeks afterwards (and it's always the same people). One being a family member who can't be on her own (has had abusive relationships and now she is single all she talks about is finding a man....I know over Christmas I will get...."why can't me and Ceri find a man....where are we going wrong?" and it drives me mad....because I KNOW my reason.....and it's not something I can come right out with in that situation. From what I've read on mumsnet and what I've seen when I tried OLD I don't bloody want one, truth be told!!!

The other person is a "friend" who is no longer a friend who became increasingly obsessed with my relationship status.....who screamed at me that I had failed in life....that I had let my family down and let my mum down as surely she wants a grandchild and that I need to sit down and think long and hard about why I'm single and where I'm going wrong. I remember on one occasion she asked if I'd met anyone (I used to dread the question) and she said "There's a problem! There's a problem! You need counselling to find out what it is as something has clearly gone horribly horribly wrong" with a really smug and almost gleeful expression on her face. This plays over and over in my mind, as I'm really suffering right now. Needless to say, I don't have this person in my life anymore as she really did have some kind of real issue with me not having a partner and was getting increasingly obsessive and increasingly quite pushy and nasty about it to the point where it was really quite strange.

Other people don't really say anything. I get the occasional "found a bloke yet?" off people....but they are not saying it to be nasty or to bring me down....but still I hate being asked about it.

I know plenty of women are on their own because they are quite happy to be and I know these people's (especially the two I've mentioned) opinions belong in the dark ages. I just really struggle with people's questions/comments, not just at the time but when they play on my mind afterwards. I don't even know what I want anymore, I just feel old and past it and just feel really low about it all.

Sorry you are feeling like this. You sound great and also that you have had a lot to contend with.

I think nosey people and people who are obsessed with other people's choices or life circumstances are not very happy. They hide it by acting as if they have ticked the correct life box and you haven't but if their life was that great they would just be getting on with it, not interogating you. Highlighting what they perceive as your deficiencies is to deflect from them. I would go as far to say that they might even be envious of you.

You have your independence and freedom and a lot of the people making you feel shite are probably trapped. Hold your head up high and consider the option of telling them to mind their own business.

If anyone asks why I’m single I just say ‘men’. Men are why I’m single. Have you seen the state of men these days? Exactly.

'NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!'

Say that very loudly every time someone mentions you being single.

How dare they say that to you? I’d get rid of anyone who is being so thoughtless and insensitive. Nothing wrong with being single at all - but deffo with people making out there’s something wrong with you because you are. Eejits!

They sound like bloody awful people! This is about THEIR inadequacies. Not yours, please stand up for yourself. Even if it’s flashing a huge smile and saying NOYB and walking away. Maybe then you could take back some of the power.

Sorry you’re so ill. People who live without chronic illness don’t have a fucking clue how hard it is.

I’ll be rooting for you OP.

I had rather hoped this sort of commenting had gone out of fashion. It's so incredibly rude - there could be 1 million reasons. Including that many people just don't want a partner.

Aren’t people dicks?

I have a few tactics for rude, personal and insensitive questions. I am either completely silent with a smile until it’s so awkward they say something else or walk away. Or I turn it round on them ‘Do you have a theory about why I’m single? I’d like to hear it. I’m thinking of writing a book about people’s ideas’.

Do you have endo? It made my life a misery until an operation to remove a lot of it and since then it’s been manageable with normal painkillers. Keep on at your doctors.

Your ex friend sounds like an idiot. You’re better off with her gone.

Focus on your health and happiness and on building your friendship networks and when you have energy sign up to a new hobby or class to meet new people or your local ‘meet up’ group. Not for dating but to get away from always seeing the same people asking the same questions.

You shouldn’t feel embarrassed. But if you know you’ll be with people who will make you feel bad, it’s fine to skip seeing them for a bit.

💐

Just say. "Not this again! Jesus! You could bore for England!"

Thank you all so much! You have made me feel a lot better. Have a lovely Christmas!!!

? Equality is better than ever, albeit clearly we have some way to go still in some arenas of life.

Have you had poor experiences with men? No positive examples?

I know lots of decent men, my husband, brother and father being just some.

Some men are lovely. Some women are arseholes.

I think if the friend had said something along the lines of “have you had a bad experience?” instead of “there’s a problem!” with a smug look on her face that would have been better. I don’t think she is as happy with her relationship as she makes out and there is probably a lot of projecting, she is insecure in herself.

Personally I haven’t had bad experiences with men. The reason I’m on my own is purely because of the health issues.

Surely telling both these women you DO NOT want a man or a relationship would end the questions? What has prevented you from saying that? It is nothing to be ashamed of, say it loud and proud.

Please do work on your boundaries, this is an essential life skill. People will do all sorts of things to you if you allow it. Stop them in their tracks now.

Classic mn response ‘did you mean to be so rude?’

my stock answer is im fussy about men and would rather be single than compromise

1 You've met a lot of rude people. Time to start practicing boundaries. I used to get triggered by rude people and invasive questions too. I spent a day googling "How to deal with rude people" and now have a Note in my iPhone with some choice responses.

They range from "that's a personal question. Why do you ask?", followed up by "Interesting" when they inevitably fudge a defensive response. To point blank just walking away. I did that recently with a distant relative who asked when I was going to have a baby. "That's my cue to leave" while she stood there aghast and indignant. Rude people who don't respect basic etiquette don't matter to me. These responses get easier with practice.

1. Sorry about your condition, it sounds like you've struggled a lot. I feel as though there might be things to look at here or perhaps talk through with a counsellor. I feel like the easy thing might be to rule relationships out, but that might not necessarily align with your needs and what you'd like for yourself. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being single, and the OND hamster wheel can get the best of anyone, but if having a partner is something you feel would enrich your life, you certainly should not rule it out due to a medical condition. All kinds of people find love, and you are just as worthy as anyone else. I took 2 years off of dating to invest in therapy and heal from some past traumas in my early 30s, dating was like an entirely different experience after that. It was empowering, I was clear on what I wanted/ didnt want and very at ease in my single life, so knew I was not going to rush into anything. I met my now husband soon after that.

I also have endometriosis, adenomysosis and a number of other health conditions. They are manageable and my lifestyle is set up to support my health, but there are things I simply can't do / eat / experience and they have little to no impact on the health of my relationship. My husband feels like the luckiest man, and vice versa! We do life together, he supports me completely.

Wishing you the best of luck and happiness this Christmas. Don't tolerate bs, walk away from rudeness, and be proud of yourself for what you've survived in life and how you've not settled for less than you deserve!

Thank you. Believe me I do say I don’t even want one, with the relative it tends to shut her up for a bit, until the next time, with the “friend” she just says over and over “but why? But I don’t understand…. but I need to know why? But please tell me…..I need to understand why?” over and over again becoming more and more hysterical to the point of loud noisy tears. The once I excused myself to go to the loo when she wouldn’t let the subject drop, and she followed me and when I came out she continued to go”but why? but I just don’t understand? but tell me, tell me please!!!!” thinking that if she said it in more hushed tones I would give in and when I wouldn’t, escalates back to screaming hysterics again. I just said “ look if I meet someone and I really like them, then great but if I don’t I’m happy on my own, can we please change the subject now” She then said “You say that but I know that deep down you won’t be happy until you have a man and a baby” when I said “Now that I’ve turned 40 and due to some health issues I probably won’t have them now” This was followed up with (back to being angry about it again) “Well you’re going to have regrets!” and a whole long speech about how no matter what I say she is never going to get off my case about it as it’s not normal and it’s not right and she won’t back down until she sees me with someone and that I say I’m not desperate but I should be. For the sake of my mental health I have now distanced myself from this person as with how unwell I am I can’t cope with her. I have noticed with this person that she seems to get very over the top emotional about other peoples problems and seems to want to draw as much attention from as many people as possible and for them to tell her what a caring person she is. Another friend told us about a health issue she had and she immediately burst into loud noisy tears like a 3 year old that scraped their knee, and everyone had to pass her tissues and console her instead of the friend who had the health issue. I realise writing this that normal people don’t give me a hard time about being single, just this mad former friend and the relative who can’t be on her own. Most people say good for you or I don’t blame you. I do worry about people thinking I’m a bit weird though, but that’s my own insecurity.

I think I am grieving for what I could have had if I’m honest. I think I let my health issues get in the way and I could still have had a relationship, it would just have to be with someone who loved me for me and was supportive about my health issues. Now the health issues are worse than ever and I feel old and past it and don’t feel attractive anymore, so that is why I’m feeling low.

I think it’s not so much I didn’t want one it’s more I didn’t want to be stressed out by someone who didn’t understand and being unwell on and off made it difficult to date. I spent my teenage years and twenties in relationships or dating. In my thirties I rarely to never felt low about being single as I enjoyed the freedom and the peace of mind that came with not being with the wrong person, however during my pain free phases I was open to meeting someone if the right one came along, and during my unwell phases I always though….next year I will get myself well and meet someone at some point in my thirties. Lockdown happened when I was 38 and after that I was seeing someone but it was too long distance and after that I began seeing someone else who turned out to be quite controlling and a bit of a stalker and just not for me, so I took a break from dating.

I didn’t intend to turn 40 single and childless but I did, and I spent the first year of my 40’s in therapy recovering from debilitating anxiety which I got better from. I think the reason I feel like I don’t want one is because of the fact I’m physically not well right now (maybe will feel differently when feeling better?). I just think I’m in a strange place in my head about it all. I’m peri menopausal and grieving for what I didn’t have when I was in my 30’s. I don’t feel attractive anymore over this last year and it feels like a loss of my youth. I know I’m rambling but I’m keeping all of this to myself around people and just nodding and smiling and pretending I’m okay and I’m not.

I totally get where you are coming from.

I'm 'lucky' in that I haven't experienced all the rude comments that you have but I certainly feel the same as you and like I am judged for 'still being single' at 44.

Your friend sounds absolutely unhinged, what a bizarre way to behave. She's the one who needs therapy OP, not you!

Thank you. I think it’s that I felt optimistic and happy throughout my 30’s and now I’m in my 40’s particularly over the past year I have lost all of that optimism and am thinking “why would I bother now?” also during my healthy phases in my 30s I still had a sex drive and now I really haven’t and because of this being in a relationship would just be stressful, especially going into a new relationship.

I think I put up with a lot from this person as for a long time I suspected she may have ASD and not know when she’s being insensitive or where to draw the line, and when she’s getting obsessed with things that are none of her business. I think she copies phrases she has heard on TV and doesn’t realise when they are not appropriate. However I think more than that may be going on with her.

One example was when we were talking about past relationships with a group of friends, I mentioned that I had been cheated on once (in a not very serious relationship I had as a teenager, we hadn’t even slept together we were kids) and she said “well I have never been cheated on, you must have not been keeping him satisfied!” and even though this wasn’t in an adult/serious relationship, given the gynae issues and how they make me feel this really bothered me…. but again I think it’s a phrase she’s heard somewhere and doesn’t actually know what it means or that it was a completely inappropriate thing to say in the context as I just couldn’t believe that someone would be that nasty.

I'll be honest, if I had an encounter with someone like this, I would immediately assume they had mental health issues and they'd never see or hear from me again, unless I thought they were a risk to themselves in which case I'd call them an ambulance.

There is no reason whatsoever for their emotionally unstable reaction to form a narrative in your head about what it means to be single. If anything I'd suggest getting clear on what kind of friends you need and ditching the ones that have these old fashioned views of what makes a woman valuable. Find one that respect you and raise you up.

The grief is valid, let yourself feel it. I'm approaching 40 and find myself grieving things that happened and didn't happen for me. I had a lot of family trauma and I grieve the mother I never got to have, the relationships with my sisters that will never happen because of the pain they've caused me. I'm grieving my childlessness as we struggle with trying to conceive and wishing we'd met earlier so our journey wasn't this heartbreaking. I'm grieving the lack of guidance I've had in my career and how after 20 years of hustling in the workplace, I'm having to take a step back and change directions again because I was never given the guidance, support or attention i needed as a young adult.

There's a lot of grief at this age, as our life flashes before our eyes and the things that actually matter become clear. We were sold so many lies, work hard and you'll get what you deserve, play by the rules and it'll all work out, be kind and you'll meet your person, marry him and have kids, do it by XYZ age or else! It's very painful and difficult to process being this age and seeing how much you missed through no fault of your own.

Allow yourself that grief. Try journalling about it and have a good cry, put your hand on your heart and let yourself feel the sadness of it all. Do this as much as you need to, and then when you're ready, ask yourself, what now? Because you're still alive, still kicking, still waiting to get into the life you have now and to make the most of it. I got married at 39. I'll be going back to college at 40 and starting a new career in my 40s. Hopefully having a child in my 40s too. And lucky for it, I love my life! I had to figure out a lot of it without support, and then fight myself on being "too late" for things until I realised, my timelines are my timelines. I couldn't give a steamy sh1te what anyone else thinks, my lessons were hard earned and I took the scenic route to things because that's what happens sometimes.

Feel your grief, and then learn to love who and where you are. You are here for more than suffering and pain.

Thank you. That makes perfect sense. She has a narrative in her head about what it means to be single and clearly has some MH issues It took me a while to realise this as the whole situation was like the frog in the water that doesn’t realise until it’s too hot, although looking back the red flags that she was a bit strange were there from the start. I think I just need to get well and think about what I do want and what I don’t want and take it from there.

instead of “there’s a problem!” with a smug look on her face that would have been better. I don’t think she is as happy with her relationship as she makes out and there is probably a lot of projecting, she is insecure in herself.

People who see being in a relationship as a big accomplishment/achievement (including a shitty relationship) rarely have much else going on in terms of accomplishments/achievements.

I'm glad you're not longer in contact with her, she sounds like she has issues. She also sounds v unpleasant/pretty nasty.

I also generally find that the women who go on and on at other women about getting into a relationship..are in pretty bad relationships themselves.

Their values are apparent across the board - desperation to be in a relationship themselves, so they put up with all sorts .... Desperation projected onto other women.

“well I have never been cheated on, you must have not been keeping him satisfied!”

You have met some truly dumb people.

Oh and if you think keeping some men "satisfied" will stop them from cheating, you've got to be amazingly naive.

Anyway, as you said, the relationship wasn't even physical yet. Teenagers are gonna teenage. People do an awful lot of person hopping around and cheating in their teens and 20s ime.