Can't cope with people's insensitive comments/questions.

[Ceriane]

Not sure where to start with this one....it's a situation I feel I have gone around in circles with over the years. I had an LTR in my 20's which ended as I was unhappy, just couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with that person, and I don't regret ending it. I have been on my own for most of my 30's with some dating here and there and the occasional almost relationship, but mainly was just happy to be by myself and open to finding love if it came along, but not willing to force it for the sake of it. I did feel the pressure of my biological clock, however now that I'm in my early 40's I was never 100% sure if I did want children or if it was more about, going along with the social expectations.

I have been on my own for over a decade now, and although it's partly by choice, when I see people I have become increasingly ashamed about it. I know I shouldn't be. I'm not a confident person by any stretch of the imagination and I worry what people think.

At the moment, I feel that getting into a relationship is the last thing I want. I dread family gatherings and meeting up with certain friends because I get a lot of "so....why do you think you are single?" it's such an insensitive question, and I feel I have to laugh it off and pretend I don't know.....even though I don't even want a relationship right now.....

The real reason: Painful recurring gyanecological problems that mean sex is out of the question.....I'm in the middle of a really bad patch with this and it's really getting me down.....I also have a chronic health condition that can be quite debilitating and because of this I have no sex drive, and it's also difficult to even date because I have no energy and my whole body just feels rubbish at the moment, wouldn't even want to get intimate with someone.....I actively avoid relationships because of all of this....telling myself, I am sure I will look for someone when I feel better....however now that I'm in my 40's, I feel less enthusiastic about this.

I get certain people who I know will bring the subject up about why I'm not with anyone....the confused look "why do you think you haven't got a man? Where do you think you are going wrong?" these questions/comments play on my mind for weeks afterwards (and it's always the same people). One being a family member who can't be on her own (has had abusive relationships and now she is single all she talks about is finding a man....I know over Christmas I will get...."why can't me and Ceri find a man....where are we going wrong?" and it drives me mad....because I KNOW my reason.....and it's not something I can come right out with in that situation. From what I've read on mumsnet and what I've seen when I tried OLD I don't bloody want one, truth be told!!!

The other person is a "friend" who is no longer a friend who became increasingly obsessed with my relationship status.....who screamed at me that I had failed in life....that I had let my family down and let my mum down as surely she wants a grandchild and that I need to sit down and think long and hard about why I'm single and where I'm going wrong. I remember on one occasion she asked if I'd met anyone (I used to dread the question) and she said "There's a problem! There's a problem! You need counselling to find out what it is as something has clearly gone horribly horribly wrong" with a really smug and almost gleeful expression on her face. This plays over and over in my mind, as I'm really suffering right now. Needless to say, I don't have this person in my life anymore as she really did have some kind of real issue with me not having a partner and was getting increasingly obsessive and increasingly quite pushy and nasty about it to the point where it was really quite strange.

Other people don't really say anything. I get the occasional "found a bloke yet?" off people....but they are not saying it to be nasty or to bring me down....but still I hate being asked about it.

I know plenty of women are on their own because they are quite happy to be and I know these people's (especially the two I've mentioned) opinions belong in the dark ages. I just really struggle with people's questions/comments, not just at the time but when they play on my mind afterwards. I don't even know what I want anymore, I just feel old and past it and just feel really low about it all.

I was seeing someone but it was too long distance and after that I began seeing someone else who turned out to be quite controlling and a bit of a stalker and just not for me, so I took a break from dating.

You have standards and boundaries.

That would be the difference between you and a lot of not single women.

3 options. Ask if they mean to be rude. Make a joke of it - the Bridget Jones, because under my clothes I am covered in scales type. Or tell them that relationships are not for you and its not open to discussion.

Single, child free, 40 and have gyno and health issues here. With you in solidarity x

Thank you. I really needed to hear this and to remind myself that health issues aside I should be proud of being single because it means I have boundaries/standards and so many people don’t.

When I’m not unwell I have a lot of good things going on, I have family, friends, hobbies and am always busy doing something. This friend has nothing else going on in her life aside from her partner who is her one and only they have been together since they were early twenties and she openly admits is always out with his mates until early hours of the morning and has never given her a compliment, tells her she’s overweight, but the way she sees it, at least she’s got one and has even said that.

Due to the possible ASD I don’t think she gets that people have relationships as teenagers but they’re not the same as your forever partner or LTR’s you have as an adult, because she settled down with her first and only, and she doesn’t get that one date doesn’t mean he’s your new man….it just means you’ve gone out and got to know someone with a view to it potentially becoming a relationship. I remember she started squealing and getting really overexcited when I told her once I had recently been on a date and practically re-enacted the scene in SATC where Carrie tells Charlotte she’s getting married…she wanted everyone in that restaurant to turn around and look at her. I’ve been on lots of dates in the past FFS!!!

"why are you still single?"

Just lucky, I guess...

As for the “satisfied” comment which is the bitchiest thing I’ve ever heard, it’s that black and white to her. She thinks she’s superior to me just because she’s got a boyfriend FFS, I should feel sad for her not the other way around!

Then forget about the relationship. What else is on the menu?

You are absolutely not 'old and past it' in your early 40s, that's an absurd thing to think and you need to snap out of it.

Once your health situation improves and you start feeling like yourself again, what do you want to do? What new experiences would you like to have? You have the freedom to do what you want - something those tied down to a husband and children don't have. Remember, life begins at 40. 😊

This friend has nothing else going on in her life aside from her partner who is her one and only they have been together since they were early twenties and she openly admits is always out with his mates until early hours of the morning and has never given her a compliment, tells her she’s overweight, but the way she sees it, at least she’s got one and has even said that.

I'm 2024, it's sad.

Anyway, anyone can have a man; whether he's a decent one is something else entirely.

@Crushed23 Your advice is spot on. When I’m better (and I will be) I know I will feel completely different, I think I’ve just had a negative few weeks since having Covid-19 recently and health issues being triggered. I know that in a few days time I will get my positive head back on and stop obsessing about stupid stuff people have said. Plus 2025 is coming up it’s a brand new year!!!

I think coming up with some stock responses plus a few jibes aimed at people you expect to make such comments would be useful OP.

One stock response could be focused on their obsession with your love life, so maybe something like "I didn't realise my love life was so important to making you happy with yours" or "wow you must be quite bored with your life if you need to focus so much on mine" with a laugh?

And then how about fighting fire with fire with the regular offenders, so find some aspect of their lives that they are unhappy with and when they make comments about you then flip it back on to them. For the one who is constantly asking why you and her can't find a man, maybe say "Oh I have no problem finding a MAN, I am just more picky about the TYPE of man I want to have a relationship with, I won't settle for just any man who looks my way, thank you."

Fundamentally, it goes back to their own insecurities. Regardless of the reason why you're single, that fact is that you are clearly a successful woman who has made her way in the world on her own, and that is still seen as subversive at best and dangerous at worst by some. Don't shy away from it. Revel in it: you are your own master, you call the shots, and your identity, sense of self and self esteem come from you, not from any man.

Oh and OP I say all this as a woman in her late thirties who was recently told by an older female relative that my life would not begin until I had a man, and that surely I didn't want to die having never had a husband.

I responded by saying that actually, technically a husband would be statistically more likely to kill me, and that married women her age are actually the least happy subset of women, and I refuse to be defined by a man.

Ironically enough I am actually engaged but she doesn't know about it (that's a story for another day) and I was not prepared to play into her little narrative about needing a man (which to be fair I can't do as I'm marrying a woman!)

I get that all the time as well. My children's dad was very abusive and since him I have been long term single. I then met someone and he dumped me and I got continual questions about why he dumped me and it was implied that I had done something wrong. I am now with someone but people continually ask me about him which i think is rude and unnecessary.

You appear to be surrounded by horrible people. It's their behaviour that's weird and rude.

It's not normal to interrogate a person about their lovelife.

Sorry, I don’t know if my advice will be of any help but…

"so....why do you think you are single?"

Something I saw online earlier: “Don’t know, lucky I guess?” 😇

I would also love for you to start talking about very painful and bloody periods, what exactly happens when penetration occurs, adding on gory medical detail layer upon layer upon layer, preferably while everyone is eating.

”Oh my god, stop!”
”Oh I’m so sorry, I thought you were interested”

On a serious note, I’m sorry people feel like this is a normal question to ask. And I’d love for more people to challenge with comebacks like ‘why are you married?’ just for comedy value and for people to realise what a weird question it is to ask by a stranger. It’s only a question a close friend could ask, really.

It was funny in Bridget Jones because it seemed like a situation that would never happen in real life, everyone being on her case at Xmas, but apparently it does.

I'm 50 and single (divorced after bad marriage) and loving it. The sheer peace and ability to focus on the things that make me happy is so wonderful. There are a lot of people out there who are not partner material, and I believe that a really good, healthy relationship with someone you fancy like mad just doesn't happen for all of us, and I'm fine with that. Even if you had the perfect partner, they could pass away, and then you'd be on your own again. So you have to be happy by yourself.

I've never been so peaceful, calm, and productive in a relationship as I am on my own - probably because I've never met someone I both fancy like mad and who is also good for me. But people make a lot of compromises for relationships, and there always seems to be trouble, if not from the person themselves then from some ghastly family member.

Commitment is heavy, heavy stuff, and it takes a LOT of you - it takes a lot of your bandwidth, a lot of your time, and you end up doing a lot of stuff that you never would normally and spending a lot of time with people you never would normally, too. I would be happy never committing again and just having little love affairs.

So, don't worry. Other single ladies are out there and loving it. Men are trouble, not always, but far too often.

Thank You all so much!!! Some amazing advice there!

I think ask a nosy question, get a waaaay to much information answer may do the trick….although won’t go there as none of their business.

Feeling a lot better about it today and glad to be spending Christmas with my family rather than having to go to in laws which was always stressful.

I also have to remember it’s not everyone, just 2 people. 1 of which is unhappy in her situation and wants to feel someone else is in the same boat (she’s unhappy on her own, I’m not). The other one I think it’s some kind of obsession she has and she can’t cope with other peoples lives not being how she would like them to be, possibly a bit of ASD and other issues going on that are nothing to do with me.

Anyway, I’m going to stop obsessing about this now as I only really thing about it if I’m going through health issues and feeling low!!!

Have an amazing Christmas everyone and let’s hope 2025 will be an amazing year for all of us!!!