MIL rewrites history

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Does anyone else have similar with a relative?

My DH had a pretty awful upbringing- parents that would never say I love you, or show him any affection/hit him for being upset etc.

Anyway, he has recently tried to confront his mother on these topics, and she flat out denies all of it. She will either get upset or refuse to engage in an attempt to shut him down “how can you say these things to me?” “I can’t cope with this conversation” “stop trying to argue with me” “that didn’t happen” etc

More recently (8 months ago), she booked a cruise over Christmas with other family members, informing us she wouldn’t be spending Christmas dinner with us like she usually does.

Anyway, now she is putting the guilt on us for apparently saying no to going on this cruise (poor me not seeing my grandchildren on Christmas etc) We were never invited on it, but she is now lying saying we were?!

What is going on here? Why do some people rewrite history like this?

I have a family member who does this. It's got to the point where I mainly stay in contact by email/text so I've got proof when they make things up or lie. Confronting them is useless they really seem to believe their own lies.

It's infuriating and I wish I had some advice. I hope you enjoy your Christmas x

It's gaslighting. They just lie, twist the truth and make sure that they can't be blamed, which allows them to be the victim.

It can be very confusing if you don't recognise it's happening. Only way to handle it is to ignore, grey rock if necessary, and remember that it's just manipulation.

Don’t engage. Yes she will be aware but it’s all part of the game.

She actually told you why.

“I can’t cope with this conversation”

She cannot stand feeling bad about herself, even if her actions justify feeling bad. So she simply avoids it by lying and rewriting history.

My ex did this in a range of ways, from saying he “couldn’t remember” saying or doing various things to truly jaw-dropping accusations.

It’s hard to say whether they genuinely convince themselves of their own lies or not. I tend to think they really do convince themselves to some degree, as on a couple of occasions when I was able to prove my ex’s narrative wrong with “receipts”, he seemed gob-smacked. Or maybe he just didn’t expect to be able to be refuted.

Anyway, it’s a form of mental illness or personality disorder. There is no point trying to get acknowledgement or empathy out of them. They don’t have it in them. No contact is the best way to deal with it, or as low-contact as you can manage.

They lie because they cannot ever be proved 'wrong'. So they make up a new truth which puts them in a good light, and you in a bad one.

You and your DH are better off being well out of it, if you ask me.

Thank you ☺️

It’s so frustrating, I am tempted to go low contact because of it. You are absolutely right - can’t confront these people, because they will just keep up the lie.

Why do some people rewrite history like this?

To justify their behaviour. To make themselves look good or the victim to other people.

The best you can do is avoid, ignore or grey rock. Know that's what she is like, be prepared for her lies, expect nothing less, don't ever try to get any closure/acknowledgement/the truth as it won't happen. It's unfuriating. Dr Ramani or RL therapy for the upbringing issues

Unfortunately people do do this, it's a common form of manipulation.
Don't tie yourself in knots wondering "do they actually believe xyz (what they've said)" because no, no they don't.
A liar knows they're lying. They can act puppy dog faced as much as they like as sometimes it does actually work. But it doesn't work with you as you can see through it.

Thank you, everyone.

Yes, I do think going low contact is best in this situation, because I cannot play along with the lies.

I think DH wanted to get some understanding and closure on things that affected him in his childhood too, and I feel awful he plucked up the courage to confront her and got his feelings dismissed 😔

She is impossible to talk to - always on the right, and it is disrespectful to talk to your elders in this way, ie bring up past hurts 🤦‍♀️

He blindly backs MIL. Absolutely no one dares confront her. Was a very matriarchal upbringing, where she has never been challenged by either of them.

Useful phrases include

“We seem to remember things differently”
”That’s not my recollection”
“We’ll have to agree to disagree on that”

Never get into any “Yes you did” / “No I didn’t” back and forth. Just state your reality and leave it there.

It is part of the narcissist's playbook.

OP, it might be worth looking up some "are they a narcissist" questionnaires and see how many boxes they tick.

I've had a narc in my life who did this, but I've also known other people ( not many) who have done this kind of thing as a defence mechanism. I am fascibated by thecquestion of how far people who do this gaslighting know they are doing it.

I agree @TheCheeryLeader

They have been quite enmeshed (something that has been realised as a result of recent counselling).

She puts huge guilt on my DH if he isn’t in touch with her daily. She wants all
the details in our life. He is shifting this dynamic now, but it is being met with quite a lot of emotional blackmail.

Just say "I remember it differently"

Or the classic "recollections may vary"

OP- I think we share the same MIL!

I've had very similar. DH had an awful childhood with emotional abuse from his step father from the age of 4! Step father is still on the scene and still makes snide, rude remarks. The disparity between the treatment of DH/Me compared to the his half sister and her family is shocking.

1 Christmas we went to stay at theirs. We bought along over £150 worth of booze and food. I don't recall the start, but suddenly his mum tells DH and I to leave, we were the cause of ALL the fights in the family and she didn't want anything to do with us or our wedding- which was 3mths later. SIL called us cheap- despite not contributing a thing to the meal herself.

MIL didn't attend our wedding, but send a card and a cheque, BUT, said not the cash the cheque as she couldn't afford it. 2 weeks later, she paid for SIL and her family of 5 to go to Disneyland! There were multiple other incidents and issues.

We were nearly NC for 2yrs. We have slowly resumed contact, but I'm extremely wary, never share anything personal etc. I have since asked her about these incidents, to which she also suddenly can't recall, denies, changes the subject etc.

OP- its likely just covering up and projecting the blame on anyone but herself. Another thought might be early dementia. Covering up, blame, forgetting etc can all be early signs.

He enables her to keep himself safe.

They aren’t involved with the kids, other than seeing them at Christmas. The occasional text about them is as far as it goes. Definitely no alone time with them either.

They don’t show any interest in them either, which hurts my DH. Although I’m glad to be honest, as they’re not very nice.

I would tell my therapist about my attempts to get some explanation from my ex husband, my attempts to explain my position to him etc. She would say:

What did you hope to achieve? He won't accept responsibility. He won't apologise. Don't get sucked in. Remember he lives in an alternative reality where normal rules don't apply.

I just keep that mantra in my head now - they live in an alternative reality. You may as well be talking to a stuffed toy. Best to just go no contact, live your life and let them carry on in their own strange world.

Also, another strategy is to get good at not caring about being the "bad guy".

When she says you don't call her enough, just say "Yes, sorry, life is a real juggle and there often aren't enough hours in the day."

When she says she sent you an email inviting you to come on the cruise and you must have ignored it, say "I guess it must have gotten accidentally deleted, which is very unfortunate."

When she complains you didn't tell her about something, just say "Oh yes, it slipped my mind."

When she complains that you didn't invite her to some minor event at the kids' school, laugh and say, "Yes, sorry, I've got a memory like a sieve".

I know we all have a strong internal instinct to not accept responsibility for something we know we are not responsible for, but there's a lot of freedom (and generally no real consequences) in just allowing someone who insists on making you the bad guy to do so.

There's an old saying "You can't bullshit a bullshitter." When you cheerfully agree with her false narrative or excessive demands without doing anything to change anything, this actually tells her you are onto her.

This is typical narcissistic behaviour OP, you could be writing about my mother.
it took me years of trying to make her happy, the penny dropped when she all but ignored my children ( from birth).
I went NC with her for 30 years until she died. It’s the only thing to do to keep your family safe and happy.