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Original poster

DH and musical activity

27 replies

runningpram · 23/12/2024 10:47

DH is an amateur musician and performs at v high level. He recently joined a music group that has been running a series of concerts at a prestigious venue through December. The concerts happen twice a day on a Sunday through December and now will take place every day twice a day in the run up to Christmas. There is also a once weekly rehearsal. The performances are not just a few hours. Yesterday’s effort was 14 hours including journey time warm up and events.

It has meant every Sunday during December and now everyday in the run up to Christmas I am doing childcare, xmas prep alone, following a week of busy full time work. I have also been really unwell with a bad cold over the period. DH then disrupts my sleep further when he arrives back late.

The venue is packed out and each concert must make huge sums but the group doesn’t even provide a couple of free free tickets to families of participants. Last night, sick with flu and disrupted sleep, I got to the end of my tether with it all.

DH loves his music and it is a brilliant experience but am I wrong in saying this cannot go ahead next year without significant revision. I also feel that I might also drop a quick note to the group administrators - who talk about wanting to attract younger members - congratulating them on a successful concert series but asking them to be mindful on the pressures on families in the background accommodating their bonkers schedule!

DH has said that he didn’t understand the sign up process and felt that he had to put his hand up for more concerts as a new member. He said he had put TBC for some dates but then had been roped in for the whole thing.

It is only one month a year and for good causes and DH gets lots from it, so part of me feels it is the flu talking and I should I suck it up. Would be good to get views - especially from those with experience of family members doing high level amateur arts stuff.

OP posts:
ColdHenrietta · 23/12/2024 11:03

Oh goodness …

I know quite a few professional musicians and singers and if this were a question of professional engagements I’m afraid I would have to say ‘suck it up’. But for amateur performance (presumably voluntary?) it does sound too much. Especially with no effort made to include or involve performers’ family members. (I’m wondering if this choir is exclusively male?)

However, please don’t contact the administrators in the way you suggest. Surely your husband can speak up for himself?

TheLittleOldWomanWhoShrinks · 23/12/2024 11:12

I'm a fairly good amateur singer and I love it, but I wouldn't go in for something like this with children. I tend to do shorter-term/ad hoc stuff with rehearsal and performance schedules that fit round busy lives, because the people I sing with are often in similar boats. I went away with one choir for three days once but that was a one-off. Anything more involved will have to wait until all the children are more independent.

Phineyj · 23/12/2024 11:13

I am an amateur performer and I have done much less of it since having a DC. I actively avoid groups that require this level of commitment. No-one can force you to over commit to something where you pay to play/sing.

If you had a hobby with a similar level of commitment then who'd look after the children?!

Your DH is no different to the DHs who cycle or do Iron Man to dodge dadding duties.

Agree hobby time each in the New Year and make sure you take yours!

TipsyJoker · 23/12/2024 11:20

I am a musician and I can tell you right now that if my husband contacted the company like you’re considering, I would be absolutely livid. The arts are all about networks and you doing that could really cause a problem for your husband within the industry. Plus, it seems really very controlling of you. It’s one month a year. I think you need to get over it this year since it’s already well underway and have a discussion with your husband about how it’s affected you and how you would prefer him not to commit to doing so much next year. I think you’re just extra annoyed because you’re feeling under the weather but as you say, it’s good for your husband and he loves it. It’s not like this is a full time gig and over an extended period of time. Get things sorted for next year.

NoIdeaWhatsHappeningHere · 23/12/2024 11:22

I think put it down to a learning experience for both of you, and encourage your husband to decide his boundaries for committing to dates in advance, and stick to them.

Hope you feel better soon.

Phineyj · 23/12/2024 11:32

@TipsyJoker he's an amateur not a professional?

It's probably costing the family a fair bit for him to participate. I sometimes play in a mixed amateur/professional opera and I reckon it cost me about £500 last time (subs, tickets, car parking, taxis, extra childcare, food after work as no time to go home etc).

I agree, obviously, that it would be beyond embarrassing to have your spouse moan to the organisers though!

itsparklesitshines · 23/12/2024 11:42

I'm an amateur musician- after years of involvement in different groups (with a family) I commit to a max of two gigs a month, plus rehearsals. That's manageable for me, but I will do more at Christmas as it's the busiest month of the year.

I would say someone is making a LOT of money out of that arrangement (if he's not getting paid anything, not even expenses, or a free ticket). It's a massive commitment for an amateur musician to make - even if it's a top quality ensemble (which I have played in too).

A community band of amateur musicians should have a committee that governs everything, including the diary commitments and the money. If I was in his shoes, I'd be asking what the commitment expectations are for next year - and possibly even join the committee to influence

ColdHenrietta · 23/12/2024 11:44

Presumably you’re a professional musician, @TipsyJoker? The OP’s husband is an amateur - it’s a hobby, as others have pointed out.

(Though of course she can’t write to them!)

Flyingfoxgirl · 23/12/2024 11:48

Music takes up a helluva lot of time even if it's only amateur. I've cut down a lot on my activities and even then I find myself constantly having to say "sorry, can't .... I have rehearsal/concert etc". I think it's something you sign up for as a musician and if you date or marry one you kind of have to expect it, just like if you are with someone whose job requires them to work weekends or holidays. Unfortunately it appears that when you got together he wasn't a musician, but now he is, so he's signed up for the musician's life, maybe without realising the impact it would have on his family. You are going to have to decide if you're willing to sign up to that too now. Speaking as a member of (several different) groups I can say that from the groups' side of things it is a serious pain in the arse when people only turn up to half the rehearsals and can't be counted on for the concerts. Also the more concerts etc the group turns down the less they are asked to do and just one or two a year it's worth it for the group.

I do realise the impact it can have on family life and many/most of my musician friends are on their second marriage.. It has always been my escape especially when the DC were babies and I was the main carer. I suppose I would give up my music to save a relationship, but I'm not sure it would work because my mental health would definitely suffer and it would be difficult to live with me.

FluDog · 23/12/2024 12:06

I suppose even at an amateur level if your DH didn't do it someone else would and it could mean your DH missing out?

I don't think you're BU but I also don't think your DH is BU.

Original poster
runningpram · 23/12/2024 12:14

To be clear this is amateur not professional. If it was professional this would not, of course, be an issue.
It is 14 hour days relentlessly over Christmas and the scale of this commitment was not properly explained to either of us.

If he was being paid that would be fine but he is not - meanwhile I can’t do any of the things I enjoy during this time. I don’t think it is controlling to have that option for an hour or two for leisure after working a full time week and a busy year - or is the bar really that low?

It might seem a bit over the top to contact the organisers but if they are moaning about not being able to attract anyone other than the retired, they need to understand why. To be honest it would probably do them a favour! I don’t really care if politely expressing this point makes anyone ‘livid’ . I am livid too at the time this has drained from me over the past weeks.

Also doesn’t hurt for them to consider being a bit more generous about tickets etc. it could mean they get a few more newer members.

OP posts:
MaxMaxy · 23/12/2024 12:23

YANBU it does sound as though your DH isn't happy either with the amount he has to do so hopefully he can scale it back a lot for next year. Has he said he will?

I am curious where all the money from ticket sales is going to.

Original poster
runningpram · 23/12/2024 12:27

MaxMaxy · 23/12/2024 12:23

YANBU it does sound as though your DH isn't happy either with the amount he has to do so hopefully he can scale it back a lot for next year. Has he said he will?

I am curious where all the money from ticket sales is going to.

Me too! It is (i think) going for good causes but the accounts seem v vague. The org seems to view itself as prestigious - although unconvinced the standard of music is that high - so people like being associated with that I think.

OP posts:
ColdHenrietta · 23/12/2024 12:31

just like if you are with someone whose job requires them to work weekends or holidays

No - this is like cycling; it’s a hobby. He’s an amateur - who, let’s not forget, also signed up for marriage and family life. Of course it would be different if this were his job, with a salary and career to consider. It isn’t that.

Bounty95 · 23/12/2024 12:37

I can't understand why they are 14 hour days? I'm an amateur musician and we do big works like the Verdi Requiem, Messiah, St Matthews Passion etc and we just practice for 2 hours each week and on concert days we turn up mid afternoon to rehearse with the orchestra, do the concert and are home by 9pm

Original poster
runningpram · 23/12/2024 12:43

He has always been a musician and I am really happy with that and really want him to have that outlet but this group seems completely on another level and unrealistic with their demands.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/12/2024 12:44

Does your husband not have a job? I don't understand who (other than retired people) would even be able to do this.

Either way, YANBU to say you don't want him to do it again.

Original poster
runningpram · 23/12/2024 12:45

It is weekends and annual leave

OP posts:
Original poster
runningpram · 23/12/2024 12:46

Bounty95 · 23/12/2024 12:37

I can't understand why they are 14 hour days? I'm an amateur musician and we do big works like the Verdi Requiem, Messiah, St Matthews Passion etc and we just practice for 2 hours each week and on concert days we turn up mid afternoon to rehearse with the orchestra, do the concert and are home by 9pm

There is a morning and evening concert plus I imagine some rehearsal time and travel. The rehearsal once a week os perfectly reasonable c 2-3 hours

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/12/2024 12:48

runningpram · 23/12/2024 12:45

It is weekends and annual leave

But if it's the whole of December, has he used his entire annual leave allowance on this? Or close to it?

Stillherestillpraying · 23/12/2024 12:48

Please please don’t contact them. You will make a right idiot of yourself and make your husband look really hen pecked.
Put him in charge all day Saturday and bugger off with some friends to compensate.

Original poster
runningpram · 23/12/2024 12:49

Flyingfoxgirl · 23/12/2024 11:48

Music takes up a helluva lot of time even if it's only amateur. I've cut down a lot on my activities and even then I find myself constantly having to say "sorry, can't .... I have rehearsal/concert etc". I think it's something you sign up for as a musician and if you date or marry one you kind of have to expect it, just like if you are with someone whose job requires them to work weekends or holidays. Unfortunately it appears that when you got together he wasn't a musician, but now he is, so he's signed up for the musician's life, maybe without realising the impact it would have on his family. You are going to have to decide if you're willing to sign up to that too now. Speaking as a member of (several different) groups I can say that from the groups' side of things it is a serious pain in the arse when people only turn up to half the rehearsals and can't be counted on for the concerts. Also the more concerts etc the group turns down the less they are asked to do and just one or two a year it's worth it for the group.

I do realise the impact it can have on family life and many/most of my musician friends are on their second marriage.. It has always been my escape especially when the DC were babies and I was the main carer. I suppose I would give up my music to save a relationship, but I'm not sure it would work because my mental health would definitely suffer and it would be difficult to live with me.

I would never expect DH to give up music but there is a balancing act. He is also missing out in his young DCs at Xmas.

OP posts:
gannett · 23/12/2024 12:56

It is 14 hour days relentlessly over Christmas and the scale of this commitment was not properly explained to either of us.

Sounds like the problem is that he over-committed. Very common thing to do when you join any amateur hobby group - it's natural to want to impress, to be excited about your contribution etc. Also sounds like he realises this and while it's too late to back out of this year's commitments, he won't do the same thing next year - the great thing about doing music at an amateur level is (assuming no designs to go professional) they can't actually make demands of you and you can do as much as you want. Once you figure that out beforehand!

Original poster
runningpram · 23/12/2024 12:57

It is Sundays - a few days in the week and some holidaY over the xmas break. So not all the leave by a long way but quite a few days

OP posts:
taxi4ballet · 23/12/2024 13:07

It can take over everyone's life in the family, not just the performer, I agree. With a dancer and a musician in my family, and quite a few in my wider friendship circle, I've come across it a lot.

Regarding venue tickets - the ticket sales are not normally organised by the orchestra, choir, theatrical company or whoever is putting on the performance. All the tickets are usually sold by the venue itself, so the performers can't necessarily get free or discounted tickets.