"I love you"

[Elektra1]

When do you say "I love you", in dating?

I've been dating someone for 6 weeks - we've had 4 or 5 dates in that time. I like them a lot. Obviously we're still in the "getting to know you" stage.

They've said they love me. First time, I sort of brushed it off. Second time, it felt almost like a challenge, that if I didn't say it back there was a problem. I don't love them (yet), because I barely know them!

I don't know where to go next as I don't want to hurt their feelings but I'm not saying something that isn't true.

The same thing happened with the last person I dated so I'm looking for tips on how to handle this.

That sounds a bit desperate TBH, and I’d be wary. Don't say anything you don’t mean.

Sounds like love bombing to me. Be careful.

you don’t say you love someone because you expect to hear it in return. In my experience I’ve said it because I literally couldn’t hold it in any longer. And also you just know if someone loves you back.

This is it. I get it: you can feel a real connection with someone and be very "into" them but that's not love.

Now this is "out there", I feel like it's a waiting game for when I'm going to say it back. I might not fall in love with this one, I don't know. The pressure of expectation is off putting.

You could try challenging them and reply that you've only been dating six weeks and how can they possibly know you well enough to love you. I agree with pp that they sound either desperate or love bombing. Don't continue this if it's making you feel in any way uncomfortable.

You say it when you feel it and mean it. Same goes for when you are 'in love'.

My other half said it first and I didn't say it for a while after and for him he just said he wanted to tell me but he understanded that I wasn't quite there yet.

Tell them you don’t love them yet, it has been 6 weeks and thats fine if they feel they love you, some people fall in love quicker than others but just be honest, tell them that you have feelings for them but are unsure if those feelings are love just yet, if they get upset/angry about that then there is your red flag and time to get rid.
I had this with my current partner- we have been together for 14years and have 5 kids but a few weeks in he told me he loved me and i wasn’t sure and i told him i wasn’t sure yet if what i was feeling was love, he accepted that and then one day a month or so later i just suddenly blurted it out, didn’t even think about it xx

Sounds like a red flag in this case OP.

Yikes. Sounds like a creepy, boundary pushing, love bombing fucker tbh.

Imo, minimum like 4 months. Potentially not even for like a year.

You don't know anyone 6 weeks in. S/He's essentially telling you he'd love anyone by now because he's only looking for 'role: woman partner'. It's not about you but about filling that position with anyone.

If something feels like a challenge, it is. If it felt like 'you owe me the same back' - you do not. And I would assume this person to be highly dysfunctional and potentially, a threat.

Thanks @Avie29 - will try some version of your suggestion. I almost feel now like even if they accept that, it's going to feel like a waiting game for when/if I say it. I was having a nice time dating someone I felt excited about.

Sounds like he's ruined it tbh. A bit of dating should not be so intense. I'd be inclined to tell him I wasn't feeling it and move on tbh.

But if you're going with telling him you need to tell him in your own time, certainly be on your guard for any further boundary pushing in future. (Or stroppiness at being told).

Yea i get that, it sort of felt that way for me too, like i was stringing him along- him waiting for me to reciprocate (he didn’t make me feel like that) its just how i felt, but if you’re excited and genuinely like this person don’t throw that away over 3 words, it worked out for me lol 14 years later and still going strong, he is definitely more emotional than me (cries at films etc) so no wonder he got to the “i love you” before me lol xx

🚩

It's because people have a totally wonky sense of what it is to love someone. It's really telling of a person's inner world and perception of themselves and other people, how they wrap up and present 'love' as a new relationship deepens. You say you are getting expectations of reciprocity vibes from your new friend ‐pay attention and slow the whole thing right down.

Despite being someone of whom it's been said "WomanIsTaken just loves everybody", I'm quite careful of whom I might really love. I love my children, I love my parent and siblings. I love some of my friends. It is solid, unwavering, uncomplicated. I want nothing from them. All I want is for them to be who they are, free and authentic, and to be happy.

Ideas of romantic 'love' can get so messy. Expectations of reciprocity, exclusivity and loyalty. Lust and desire, however delicious a feeling, mistaken for 'love'. At the start of a new connection; 'loving' the potential of what a person can bring to one's life, 'loving' the carefully curated presentation of a new romantic interest.

Give me grounded friendship first (and love as a potential consequence) any day. When I've felt the fibre of his resilience in the face of adversity, seen humility and dignity following disappointment, and know that he's kind through and through, I might love. More about trusting observable characteristics than totting up a heap of presentation and potential. I'm happy to play in the shallows of romantic interest, flirtation and desire but definitely don't mistake those feelings for love.

Am i old? Since when did telling someone you love them become a red flag? Or a bad thing? Or boundary pushing? And then women moan they can never find a nice sensitive guy, poor buggers can’t do right from wrong, if i assumed my current partner was a red flag for telling me he loved me years ago i wouldn’t be in a happy relationship now nor would i have any of my beautiful children, just baffles me 🤦🏻‍♀️ xx

@WomanIsTaken "Give me grounded friendship first (and love as a potential consequence) any day. When I've felt the fibre of his resilience in the face of adversity, seen humility and dignity following disappointment, and know that he's kind through and through, I might love. More about trusting observable characteristics than totting up a heap of presentation and potential. I'm happy to play in the shallows of romantic interest, flirtation and desire but definitely don't mistake those feelings for love."

This sums up exactly my thoughts, perfectly.

@Avie29 Not old necessarily; you've clearly lucked out with a nice sensitive guy, like you say, and not had to manage the tangles of manipulative 'love'-fuckery.

@Elektra1 , happy to help

Love bombing is a very real thing and there’s no harm in being cautious when getting to know someone. The op feels there’s an expectation being pushed on her to reciprocate when she’s not ready. This is a red flag for me. I have worked with many women who have survived domestic abuse and in almost every case, the relationship moved fast and they were love bombed. I would be very careful with a man who is claiming to love you weeks into dating him but at the same time putting you under pressure to reciprocate when you’re not ready. However, if he was just head over heels and wanted to tell op with no expectation, then maybe he would just be an open, sensitive man. The problem is, domestic abuse of women by men is absolutely rife and 2 women a week are being murdered by a current or ex partner in England and wales alone. So, women need to be careful. A good man would understand a women’s need to move at her own pace.

I said it very soon to ex DP but we had been good friends for a few years so I knew him really well. If you've only known someone a few weeks, I don't think you can properly love someone as to me it implies knowing them well.

If it makes a difference (I'm not sure it does), we are both women

Doesn’t make a difference. What I previously posted still stands for me. I would just be careful op. It’s the fact that you’re not comfortable with the expectation you feel. That you feel pushed into reciprocating when you’re not ready. Listen to your own intuition. It is telling you something.

Makes no difference, people are people and feel how they feel, its fine to be cautious as pp has said but don’t assume they are red flags as i said my OH is just more emotional than me and so felt the love sooner, i think it is only a red flag if they have issue with you not falling in love back right away, i feel like these days nobody is able to see the good in things and automatically assume that things are a bad sign or a bad behaviour when its not, its fine to feel love for someone only 6 weeks in, for me that is too soon but i lead with my head not my heart, OH is the other way round, gives good balance haha xx

I think for most of us after 6 weeks of dating we would be wary of someone who says they are “in love” or pushes for the relationship to get more serious than exclusively dating each other (moving in). After a few weeks you are still getting to know each other and should be in the fun stage of going out on dates, perhaps starting to meet each others friends etc. I don’t think you can truly know if you love someone if you’ve only seen them at the initial stage of dating where everyone is on their best behaviour and you’re off having fun all the time.

A bit like a proposal, when you’re actually in love someone saying it shouldn’t be a massive surprise, they will be showing it by their behaviour, actions &the things they say about you before they use the actual words. You should never feel uncomfortable because you haven’t said it back.

But isn’t it easier to be in love with someone when you are only seeing their best? Im not saying its true love i fully believe that develops over time, but initially those first few months where it is all fun n giggles n wanting to be around them all the time is that not love or atleast the first stirrings of love? There are different kinds and varying degrees of love i think at the beginning of a relationship you feel that exciting oh this is new sort of love, then as time goes on it develops into a deeper more true love, i don’t see anything wrong with saying ‘I love you’ to someone only 6 weeks in, i would take it as a compliment, yes it can be a bit awkward if you’re not there yet but its only a red flag if they get funny about you not being there yet, OP hasn’t said they have pressured her, only that she feels pressured which of course you would even if they aren’t actually putting pressure on you, i felt guilty i hadn’t said it to OH when he did, but not because he made me feel that way, its just how i felt but thats not his fault for feeling love sooner than me xx

Love is such a complicated and broad emotion with regards to relationships. its been constructed to be something beyond what it is; an instinct. You instinctively love your kids/family/pets/friends in different ways and you don’t question it. It’s part of who you are and our experience of it almost develops as we age as we can question it from an outside perspective when looking back or at other people’s relationships (or our own.)

We have conditioned ourselves as an intelligent species to assume it’s some kind of linear construct in a relationship which of course it isn’t. Initial feelings can develop before it becomes part of what is essentially our instinct. I think this is where the confusion can lie. It’s such a broad emotion and not one where you can set rules to it! We can’t help how we feel, even if it’s wrong.

I know that’s a bit deep and I’ve really not answered your question so I’m off to eat some more cheese and pate.