He doesn’t love me does he?

[Dipstick111]

Been on holiday with DH and family (3 DC, primary age) for all of a few days and he will literally do anything to stay away from me. Gets up at stupid o clock to go running. Constantly on his phone. No interest in any of the activities I suggest. I feel like he actively avoids activities just the two of us and sex feels a bit forced, like he’s elsewhere.

Discovered he’d been having affairs throughout our marriage, and before, about 3.5 years ago now (found out about one, he confessed the others) I now think we went into panic mode. Heads in the sand. Did all the usual counselling etc and felt like we were stronger for a while to be honest which I know sounds crazy. But he works stupid hours and so when we are finally together it’s sometimes just so obvious he doesn’t want to be around me, but then I wonder if it just in my head and I expect too much. I don’t know.

He doesn’t love me does he? I thought him staying meant he did. He did and said all the right things but I just feel… empty. I thought he was trying and now I just feel so totally stupid.

Not sure what I’m asking really just needed to let it out. I know I was probably an idiot for staying but for a while it really did feel like it was going to be ok…

Hi op I'm on a similar but slightly different journey

I realised recently all the pieces slotted together and I came to the awareness that my DH isn't in love with me, and actually doesn't like me.

We have little ones and I'm still figuring things out re the mumsnet ducks etc

Just thought I'd reply, you're not alone, recently there's been a fair number of posts like this on here and I'm learning a lot from them, whilst trying to keep my wits about me

What was it that made you realise? ☹️ I know it sounds totally stupid and that what he did should have made it pretty clear. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you. You thought things could get better and chose to stay. You are allowed to change your mind. Be kind to yourself. Think about what you want to do. Work out how and then move towards it.

The reason men stay with their primary partner is because of the convenience. Generally people who have affairs are the least invested in the relationship.

I'm assuming you do everything and he doesn't have to lift a finger. If you put yourself in his position, would you want to change?

He has someone doing his housework and looking after his children. He has someone looking after him and making his life comfortable.

Divorce is stressful and expensive and he'll have to take care of everything himself. You're in an open relationship with a cake man.

There is not one thing wrong with you op

I have been almost lying to myself, ignoring the obvious for a year now. Why? Because we have two little ones, a home , a family and although I shouldn't, I love him. He is/was the love of my life and lying to myself was easier than accepting that I am never going to get his love in return.

It was actually one day this week call to a relationship counsellor that we saw a while back. The lady said she felt he had checked out of the marriage a long time ago. I have done absolutely everything for the family Christmas and he's still telling me every short coming I have as a human, and that's what made me finally wake up.

😞

Maybe it does take one thing to finally jolt you out of it. DH told one of his OW he regretted marrying me. I thought he must have been lying to placate her given he apparently fought ‘so hard’ to stay but now I’m thinking it was probably the truth.
just don’t understand why he didn’t just leave. I get the convenience thing but surely anyone would know that isn’t sustainable. I feel like he’s just been wasting my time. And I’m also to blame for thinking it could work.

Maybe you need to take control for a change, instead of hanging on to the crumbs that he is chucking your way. If you are not happy, don't trust him, and don't feel loved, why don't you end the relationship regardless of what he wants? He has cheated on you more than once, it sounds like he has checked out of the marriage. His suspicious behaviour unfortunately points to another affair, but I think you already know that. What are you getting out of the relationship OP? Surely you deserve better.

@YourWildAmberSloth I have young children and I guess in that state you want to believe it will be ok. I don’t know why it feels like I am suddenly seeing things clearly now when it’s been so long. And over such seemingly small things.

Hand on heart I think wanting it to work is pretty natural - the kids, your dreams of family life, all of that

My situation is that he compares me unfavorabley to other mums in our social circle amongst other things (walking out of the room when I'm talking, rolling his eyes, just giving token responses etc) he views me as a weight dragging him down, although I do all the house stuff, all the Xmas stuff, and I work but that's how he sees me.

I'm trying to get to a space where I realise that his view of me is not the truth. And I put everything I had into this, but now I need to show up for myself and put everything into the next phase of my life and the little ones.

I’m sorry to hear that… does part of you feel almost relieved though? I think in a weird way part of me does but then the panic sets in.

It doesn’t matter if he loves you. He doesn’t respect you or value your relationship or the family you have made together. It’s natural to want to rescue it, but he doesn’t seem worth the effort

Please stop wasting your life.

It takes two to make a marriage work

It sounds like he has never even tried .
He is acting like he’s single , hopping in and out of OW beds , going home for his tea and a change of clothes and occasionally patting your kids on the head.
For him it’s cheap and convenient to have you at his beck and call than rock the boat and all the expense that would entail.

Get some legal advice , know your rights and get out of this destructive marriage. You deserve much better

If your husband has cheated throughout your marriage and even before you married, then, no he doesn't love you. It's a bitter pill to swallow, I know. Ultimately, if he genuinely loved you, he wouldn't have kept having numerous affairs. My ex partner cheated on me, several times (that I am aware of), thankfully I hadn't married him or had children with him. Eventually, I had to accept, even though I tried hard to make it work, he didn't want the relationship to work because he'd mentally checked out long ago. I was nothing more than a convenience to him, and in the end he couldn't keep up with the charade of pretending. In the end any love I may have felt for him, had died. He was and probably still is a cowardly, weak, pathetic man, who didn't deserve me. I left him, and it was the best decision I ever made. You can't live like the way you are. You are slowly destroying any self-esteem you have by staying with him. As MNetters say, 'get your ducks in a row' and make plans.

I guess maybe now the guilt is wearing off things are just reverting to how they were. I don’t think he has cheated again.

2 1/2 years ago I separated from my xw.
Before that I acted much as you describe bar the cheating: completely unavailable.

It was intentional, the reason was I had decided my marriage was over, but for DC reasons, I couldn't say it openly.

No, from your description, this isn't a loving relationship.

Why did you think it was worthy ‘staying for DC’ when that was the state of your relationship? I’ve never threatened to stop him seeing the kids.

He has absolutely 100% checked out, sorry. He doesn't love you. He's tolerating you for the sake of the children until he feels like he doesn't have too anymore. When he deems the children old enough he will leave you.

I describe my similar behaviour in a different situation.

I think you need a conversation about why, in the words of another poster, he has "checked out", and why he is not working it out with you.

For me, protecting DDs was the reason to keep choices to myself. For you and him, your guess is better than mine: guilt over a new, more serious affair? Something between you? An important choice (eg at work) he hasn't yet told you about?

Yes I understand that… do you mean protecting them from a separation? Were you not worried that they could pick up on any unhappiness at home? I also want to protect DC but I don’t think this is sustainable. I just feel so miserable.

I imagine DH would say he was ‘staying for the kids’, though not to me of course. I feel sometimes he is pushing me into ending it.

Do you love him OP? I mean really love him as a man? I suspect not. I wouldn't.

Yes, relief is definitely in the mix. But then I also get blinding flashbacks of every red flag I've ever ignored (hope springs eternal).
Panic likes to attack me at random moments too. It's the fear of the unknown, which I'll have to get used to. Rather than the current familiar certainty that I'm almost gaslighting myself to stay in something broken which is destroying me as a person.

I do sort of believe I can do it though.

I believe you can too op @Dipstick111 💪🏼

I think if you even have to ask yourself that question, the answer is always no. Sorry op. You need to become your own best friend now.