He doesn’t love me does he?

[Dipstick111]

Been on holiday with DH and family (3 DC, primary age) for all of a few days and he will literally do anything to stay away from me. Gets up at stupid o clock to go running. Constantly on his phone. No interest in any of the activities I suggest. I feel like he actively avoids activities just the two of us and sex feels a bit forced, like he’s elsewhere.

Discovered he’d been having affairs throughout our marriage, and before, about 3.5 years ago now (found out about one, he confessed the others) I now think we went into panic mode. Heads in the sand. Did all the usual counselling etc and felt like we were stronger for a while to be honest which I know sounds crazy. But he works stupid hours and so when we are finally together it’s sometimes just so obvious he doesn’t want to be around me, but then I wonder if it just in my head and I expect too much. I don’t know.

He doesn’t love me does he? I thought him staying meant he did. He did and said all the right things but I just feel… empty. I thought he was trying and now I just feel so totally stupid.

Not sure what I’m asking really just needed to let it out. I know I was probably an idiot for staying but for a while it really did feel like it was going to be ok…

I'm sorry OP. He's been repeatedly unfaithful. You get no love or affection from him..just disinterest. He's obsessed with his phone. He avoids spending any time with you and you are left to be his housekeeper/ nanny/ domestic servant. This isn't a marriage and hasn't been for a long time. He's totally checked out. As we head into Christmas, take a long hard look at him and then look towards 2025 and give yourself a brilliant Christmas gift by putting an end to this situation. You know you deserve better than being trapped in a loveless marriage with an unfaithful disinterested arsehole. This will be your last Christmas married to this man. Make it a goal that next Christmas will be a happier one and start to put yourself first. As you step into the new year, make it a priority to see a solicitor and file for divorce,

If you are concerned about appearing at fault, try to bring him to talk (diffuse the situation), inform yourself here - plenty of mums that have experience.
My situation was different and not applicable to your home!

So painful for you, op.

It doesn't sound like he's in love with you no. Or likes you.

And it's not you. He sounds like a creep, actually with his affairs.

You deserve far far better.

You need to get into the mindset of 'what is the point of him' rather than worrying about what he thinks. And when you think about it, what is the actual point of him? He isn't giving you fidelity, affection, fun, teamwork or anything good or meaningful. This is no way to live.

I do sometimes wonder if the brain goes into self protection mode and blocks out the reality of a terrible marriage to help us cope. The alternative is to admit you are married to a serial cheater (or in my case, an abuser). Maybe we wilfully keep our eyes closed to hold on to a fantasy marriage that doesn't exist.

When I left my ex for many reasons, I realised months later that I had caught sight of a message on his phone whilst we were married with lots of hearts in it (not sent to me). And I had just ignored it!

I think a lot of it is self preservation, and you want to believe the lies because it’s easier and simpler. And then for a while after discovery things were ok for a bit as he was making more effort.
I guess it’s easier to make a decision to stay for the kids and then a few years later the reality of that sinks in. I wonder sometimes if in a weird way his affairs were keeping us together.
I do hate how Christmas really shines a light on this stuff.

Christmas sometimes is a time when people can spend some time taking stock of their lives and it sounds like you've done some honest reflecting on your marriage and admitting to yourself that you are unhappy. Your reflection has given you some insights and enabled you to take a good look at the man you married and what he has done to dishonour and degrade you and your marriage by his repeated infidelity. You now see him and his behaviour and have the tools to start planning for a life without him in it.

My exH cheated and I stayed. He behaved very much like your H as time went on is and I finally realised he didn't love me at all.
When we finally went for counselling the kids were teens and I discovered way more about his cheating than I had previously known. Obviously we then ended it.

I stayed because I believed it was a "blip" and because I still loved him. I didn't stay just for my kids, I stayed for me too.

He stayed because he knew I would be forced to move further away from our marital home to survive financially & he didn't want to not see his kids.

At the time, I thought he stayed for me as well as the kids but when we finally split I realised I didn't come into it and he just stayed until the kids were older & he could afford to leave.

Don't be me. Realise now that he has checked out & is probably staying for his own selfish reasons and not for you.
Also if your kids are young, split now & don't wait until they are older because it's harder for teenagers to deal with & accept.

This is so true, and exactly what happened with my ex. Everything changed when we had DS and I kept telling myself it's just because we have a young child, but over the years it became more apparently he didn't love me anymore, barely liked me really. It's hard leaving though, for some the financial and logistical stability is enough to stay; for me i reached the point I was so miserable I knew it wasn't worth it.

Single parenting is hard but doable (I'm one).
Please don't stay with someone who doesn't love and respect you.

He’s staying because it’s easier. It’s cheaper. It’s less hassle.

Home and hearth waiting for him. Wife on tap to Deal with the home, life admin, children 24/7..

he’s staying because you haven’t made a fuss. Because you ignore and excuse his repeated betrayal and mockery of vows.

He’s not staying for the kids.

he’s staying because it’s easier and cheaper than getting a divorce and he still gets to flirt and play the field.

@Dipstick111 maybe he will continue like this for a few more years and then leave you once the kids fly the nest. What will your life look like then? Make your own plan. Do not teach the children that this is the kind of relationship they should accept in the future.

If I try to talk about it with him he says he’s ’trying his best’…

He's pathetic. He is "trying his best" by having multiple affairs...really does he think that you are going to continue to put up with it because he says he is "trying his best" You deserve better OP and so do your children
.

I don’t think he has been unfaithful since I found out but when I mention his general behaviour towards me recently this is what he says… 😞

@Dipstick111 the ‘easy excuse’ is staying for the children - with a man you say is frequently away for ‘work’ and works long hours to avoid spending time with you. When does he actively parent? What are you teaching your dc as they absorb this model of a marriage? They watch as their father avoids their mother, the lack of warmth in their interactions, their mother’s distress and unhappiness - and don’t think for a moment that they’re too young to notice. Why persist in this farce? Finances?

It’s not finances. I just don’t want to lose him which is stupid I know. I feel like my whole marriage has been a lie.

@Dipstick111 if you ‘don’t want to lose him’ I’d suggest making an appointment with a therapist. After the lawyer and the sti clinic. There is so much wrong with wanting to cling to a specimen like your ‘dh’ you may want to book a few sessions. You feel your whole marriage has been a lie, so why continue it?

Why would you be fearful of losing a husband who has repeatedly been unfaithful and who treats you like a domestic appliance rather than a beloved wife. He isn't a good husband or father and he isn't someone you should want to stay married to and then have your children growing up and seeing the way you are treated. You and your children are deserving of better than being trapped in this loveless disinterested relationship.

I don’t know. I genuinely don’t know what is wrong with me sometimes. I manage to convince myself it’s in my head and then sometimes I can’t ignore it, but life goes on… and generally we trundle along ok. He isn’t abusive and at times he does make an effort, but it’s just in the small things. It just feels
forced sometimes. I don’t know.

He’s not though. Look at what he’s doing, forget about what he’s saying.

Take control of the situation 💐

I would guess he’ll leave one day, when it suits him. So take control and make yourself a happier life.