Feeling sad, is anyone up?

[LostInTheSystem101]

So I've had to travel three hours from my home, as my nan died on Thursday morning and I've come down to support my mum and help her with a few bits before I go back home for a couple of days over Christmas.

I live with DP, have done for 11 years.

This is the third night I'm away.

We have a cat, and DP has spent this evening moaning about him and how he wants to go out (DP has been at his parents all evening so the cat has been home alone). Though the cat is ours, he's mine, if that makes sense? Anyway, I've asked DP to try and keep his routine of staying in overnight as I don't like him being out overnight in the cold. He's let him out.

This followed a conversation about how unfulfilled and unstimulated DP feels, how he needs more in his life than to be rattling around the house on his own. And yesterday all these big plans about going out to the pub or to a friend's an hour away. Neither of which transpired.

It doesn't seem like much written down, but he's made me feel so guilty about being away. I usually only come down for one night so he's not left with the cat (I know he's not a huge fan), and because it always feels so strained when I come back.

For context, he is always welcome down here, he's not been down for I guess at least 4 years, probably closer to 6. I'd happily leave the cat home all day/overnight with food, a litter tray, and a neighbour, but he won't, so stays "because of the cat".

Anyway, all I want to do is cry and grieve. I don't Infront of mum as she needs me to be strong, and I don't feel like I can now with DP, as he's clearly fed up I'm here

I am so sad, and I feel so lonely.

Sorry for the rant x

I am sorry you are in this situation. It's very tough. Especially a few days before Christmas. Sending hugs

Hallo OP, just sending a hug as I'm awake too. Your partner doesn't sound very nice or very mature tbh. Try not to worry about the cat, it has a fur coat, and concentrate upon your Mum. My Gran was so special too I'm sorry for your loss dear

I am so sorry for your loss. It's lovely that you're there to support your mum, I'm sure she really appreciates it.

I say this with love, your DP is an uncaring twat. You are grieving , you either needed him with you or, at the very least, needed him to support you from a distance.

He is a grown adult - surely he is capable of following the routine in place for the cat? He sounds unpleasant, almost as if he is punishing you for being away.

He is not the person who I would want in my life at such a low point. You need someone who supports you, raises you up and is there for you.

I am so sorry, it must feel very lonely and sad. X

This all sounds so miserable @LostInTheSystem101 . I’d hope your DP would support you, go with you, look after you. And the cat! I really get why you’re feeling sad 💐

Thank you all so much.

Yes, I do feel punished. I ended our call before I posted on here by saying I'm not here for a jolly.

Honestly, I appreciate he doesn't have much of a bond with the cat. But given the circumstances, I thought he might try not to mention it ( it is a conversation topic almost daily, and the cat is 4!).

I just wish I'd brought the cat with me, with hindsight that's what I should have done, but I wasn't thinking straight.

DP offered to drive down on the first night, he said he could just lock the car out, he'd be ok. Yeah, with no food or shelter.

He seems to be missing the reason I'm here, and when I did mention it he said he had "told me to stay as long as I needed", but clearly I have to go back, if only to pick the cat up.

I guess I'm just a bit sad that what I need; sympathy, empathy, and a kind response; only seemed forthcoming for the first 24 hours. He's just unbothered. I know it's not his nan, but we've been together for years and so he knew her, quite well. We didn't get on super well at times iny life, but she's still my Nan and I still love her

I’m here if you want a chat xx

I suggest getting a cat flap and losing the "D"P. I have absolutely no time for people who think it's OK to lock cats out instead of using a cattery.

Concentrate on your bereavement. Pick your life when you get back. If you can arrange for someone to take care of the cat do so. And tell ask him to piss off leave them his key.

Sorry for your loss @op look after your family x 😔

I’m so sorry for your loss. Having a cry with your mum is okay - you have a cup of tea and put yourself back together and then carry on with your next job. It might help your mum to know that’s she’s not the only one feeling like she wants to fall to pieces.

Your dh is an a**hole. Bad luck there. That’s a problem to sort out in 2025 though.

Sorry for your loss.

You're going to get a bunch of people saying your partner is a twat, however I'm puzzled as to why (when you've dropped everything to stay over for several nights) you don't feel you can grieve in front of your Mum.

It sounds as though you're in a (common) situation where one person wanted a pet far more than the other. I'm not sure how you navigate that - pets are very tying, so I suspect it will continue to cause friction in your day to day lives.

Get a cat flap and one of those electronic timer bowls, so you’re not relying on him. Absolutely shocking behaviour that he is making you feel guilty when you’re down there for a bereavement. Go home, collect the cat, and stay as long as you need to.

I was assuming you got the cat before you met him but sounds like you have been with him for years. Did he not want the cat?

Sometimes people only show their true selves in times of crises. That's what tour DP is doing. This isn't about you or your mum or the cat, it's all about him.
Help your mum. Grieve with her and like someone else said, find a solution for the cat and think about DP in 2025.

Spot on.

Shared grief is healing for everyone involved. A cry, a hug and then carrying on is all a healthy part of loss.

Cat flaps make your house cold.

I can’t believe a partner of 11 years won’t accommodate your cat while you’re away due to bereavement. He’s a dick.

Thank you for your replies, I fell asleep!

I have always been my mum's rock, and I find it hard to be vulnerable Infront of her. It's a life long issue that I need to address with myself at some point. I usually crumble in private, it's my toxic trait I guess.

We found the cat when it was tiny, and both decided to keep it. DP has disliked it more and more as time has passed, but I am too attached to get rid of it. When we have discussed rehoming and I've become emotional, he's said we should keep it. So yes, I may want the cat more but no, I didn't go out and get it - neither of us would have gone and got a cat, but now we have one and it's part of our family, I'm not going to get rid.

DP has told me the cat will have to come with me next time. So, that's what I'll do. However awkward that will be, I know now I can't rely on him so I won't expect to.

Keep the cat and going forward get rid of this man because he is your Mr Wrong. He is and sounds bloody awful towards you.

Keep the cat but seriously reconsider the selfish man.

At a time when he should be making your life as easy as possible, being supportive, focussing on how you are, he's made it all about him and him getting a night out, and whining about a cat. He sounds awful.

It has made a lot of things painfully clear.

If the boot was on the other foot, I'd have not even mentioned the cat, however much it might have annoyed me. I'd have just made sure I talked to him and listened to him about how he was doing. And maybe, just maybe, some time in the future, raised the topic of an alternative cat-sitting option.

I am devastated by his actions, especially now, when I should be allowed to be with my family without feeling guilty for not being at home.

I had a good cry for my nan last night before I fell asleep, and will give my mum a big cuddle and tell her I need her, and that we both need to grieve x

Could this be the catalyst for thinking about what you want your life, because this man doesn't seem very kind

OP, concentrate on your grief and yourselfand your Mum for now. Share your sadness about losing your Nan, shed a few tears with your Mum and have a hug with her. You don't have to be the strong one all the time.
Deal with your partner when you get back. He is acting like a spoilt brat and making this all about him. He sounds selfish and entirely lacking in empathy with no consideration towards you at all. Do not get rid of your cat just to appease him. As others have said consider getting rid of him! He sounds awful and l wonder if this selfishness is just the tip of the iceberg.

Sounds like a deeply insufficient man has found a highly self sufficient woman to enable him and share his life with...
Won't be the first time but you don't have to prop him up and you aren't responsible for his ability or otherwise to manage to entertain himself and be manage to be with a cat while you're away.

Sounds like the dynamic is not surprising given you have been in that role with your mum since young.
Your ways I'm sure we're a vital coping strategy then, but objectively aware probably past there sell by date.

Maybe 2025 can involve an overhaul of these things. Some reflection and help may get you to a point where you can develop on from those old ways into a new you where being leant on doesn't feel so 'right' and you can drop the dead weight.

But this isn't just about the cat, is it? It's your 'D'P choosing this moment to tell you how unfulfilled and unstimulated he is. It's him ignoring your emotional needs and making the situation all about him. I'm sorry for your loss and the extra crap you are having to deal with. I agree with others -- think about your future and what kind of people you want in it.

This, your P is showing his true ugly colours. Also what’s this about not seeing your family for 4-6years! It really is about him isn’t it.

Try not to let it upset you now. That can wait until 2025, when you decide what you’re going to about him.

He’s getting delight from stressing you and upsetting you, because he knows he can and there’s not much you can do about it. He Should be supporting you.

As an aside, personally when I’ve met cat haters, I’ve always found them to be rather odd in some way, and just not very nice warm people. I’ll probably get flamed for that, but it’s true.

Thank you, all.

As an aside, and as we have known my nan has not been well for some time, he has already said he probably won't come to her funeral, because he has to stay for the cat...!

But yes, this is the prompt I need after almost 12 years together to see that it's not right, for either of us. I don't want to be the fixer anymore, or the one who is leant on. I don't want to be with a martyr anymore who makes such a big deal of what he does. He always tells me he can cook and clean for himself, earn money (I earn more than him), and doesn't need to be in a relationship, so I will take him at his word and we will have a conversation as soon as I know I'm strong enough not to cry - he dismisses any argument or point of view I have when I cry. Once my Nan is laid to rest in January, and that dust have settled.

I'm just so shocked by it, I don't thinking heart he ever would have made me feel like this because I've gone away for a few days following the death of a family member..