Feeling sad, is anyone up?

[LostInTheSystem101]

So I've had to travel three hours from my home, as my nan died on Thursday morning and I've come down to support my mum and help her with a few bits before I go back home for a couple of days over Christmas.

I live with DP, have done for 11 years.

This is the third night I'm away.

We have a cat, and DP has spent this evening moaning about him and how he wants to go out (DP has been at his parents all evening so the cat has been home alone). Though the cat is ours, he's mine, if that makes sense? Anyway, I've asked DP to try and keep his routine of staying in overnight as I don't like him being out overnight in the cold. He's let him out.

This followed a conversation about how unfulfilled and unstimulated DP feels, how he needs more in his life than to be rattling around the house on his own. And yesterday all these big plans about going out to the pub or to a friend's an hour away. Neither of which transpired.

It doesn't seem like much written down, but he's made me feel so guilty about being away. I usually only come down for one night so he's not left with the cat (I know he's not a huge fan), and because it always feels so strained when I come back.

For context, he is always welcome down here, he's not been down for I guess at least 4 years, probably closer to 6. I'd happily leave the cat home all day/overnight with food, a litter tray, and a neighbour, but he won't, so stays "because of the cat".

Anyway, all I want to do is cry and grieve. I don't Infront of mum as she needs me to be strong, and I don't feel like I can now with DP, as he's clearly fed up I'm here

I am so sad, and I feel so lonely.

Sorry for the rant x

I’m really sorry for your loss my lovely. If I may, I can give you a bit of wisdom from my own life - I had been with exH for ten years when I lost my mother suddenly, I had already lost my father and I was absolutely devastated. ExH’s behaviour to me, which was not kind or caring at all, made it crystal clear what I had been denying to myself namely that I deserved much better and that he didn’t actually care, he was really selfish. I left him six weeks later, and like to think both my parents would have approved. I had some years alone and then met truly the love of my life - a man who is incredibly respectful and caring and who treats me with the decency I treat him. I am so glad I found the strength to admit my exH was not right for me, it would have been too easy to continue plodding along but life is so damned short.

Your DP has become adept at using the cat as both a weapon and an excuse. Please don’t hide from that - your DP is choosing to behave as he does.

I’m glad you and your Mum have each other, and this is maybe a time when you can drop old patterns of behaviour and cry/grieve together…both of you will gain strength from that.

He doesn't really have to stay for that cat though does he.

He's sticking by that pov because it suits him. If he wanted to accompany you he'd accept the solution of neighbour help. Where there's a will there's a way and all that.

He just doesn't want to do your family, not for any reason including being present to support you.

The inconvenience of the cat is a very minor issue compared to what you're dealing with, but this is what fills his mind, thoughts and conversation, even when taking to his freshly bereaved 'loved one'.
Selfish to the core.

And using your tears to negate the validity of any thoughts you have is just breathtakingly twisted.

Feelings = emotions.
Feelings are caused by situations/ other people's behaviour.
Sometime's those emotions provoke tears. Tears are the body's way of relieving stress. All valid.

His emotions are all ok though aren't they?
Impatience
Irritation
Boredom
Frustration

Lots and lots of emotions going on there.
Not so many tears
But plenty of whining.

He thinks that's all valid though.

But not your feelings. When tears happen.

'Misogynistic' and 'hypocritical' can be added to my accusations of 'selfish' to him.

He can get to fuck. You're grieving your Nan and supporting your mum whose just lost her parent.

You have bigger fish to fry than his petty woes, which by the way are entirely in his gift to fix.

What's stopping him? Or does he just enjoy dumping them on you... Doesn't actually want change, at least not enough to take action... Just wants to moan about the status quo.

F* that for a game of soldiers.

It doesn't seem like much written down, but he's made me feel so guilty about being away.

It really does sound a lot written down. It sounds awful. He sounds awful. I'm sorry.

(I also don't trust men who object to cats.)

Thank you all for your replies, I have read them all and they mean a lot.

I asked him if he wanted to come down and travel back together tomorrow, he said he was doing something (building something for a friend). So, I reached out, and was shot down.

I've reverted to nicey nicey for the moment, because my emotional capacity is spent. All I want is someone to hold me while I cry and not try and get to stop.

I've had a lovely day with my mum, reminiscing and looking at old photos.

I'll have to seriously address things and sort out those issues once my nan is laid to rest and all of this is behind me.

I've seen true colours though. It's saddened me, but other than just block it out for now, I don't know what else to do x

Sounds like a good sensible approach to me op.

Tackle things as and when you have emotional capacity and it will give you time to think about things if you keep your thoughts to yourself for a bit. No rush.

I was going to drive back today. He's told me he's not looking after the cat again, I'll definitely have to take him with me (again). And reiterated it's my responsibility so I need to look after him.

So much for being a team.

I'm done with him. I don't even want to go back.

I know you can’t see it now, but this is a blessing in disguise, because now you can plan to get rid of this shallow and cold hearted man.
You deserve so much more.
Like @WomenInConstruction says, there’s no rush, do it when you’re ready.

I just can't believe him, I mean, if I had just said "right, I'm off for a holiday for a week", I'd get it. But I haven't. I've had to come down because my nan died. It hasn't been a jolly, it hasn't been laughs and fun. I've been supporting my mum, and I needed my partner of almost 12 years to support me.

And all he's done is complain about the cat and keep telly Ng me he's not doing it again.

I didn't ever think he could be that heartless. And I'm not sure if my tears now are for my nan and my loss, or because of him.

I hate him for it.

To heap additional stress on you at this time is the opposite of what a loving partner would want to do.
Really sorry you are confronted with this as well as everything else.
Hope you have some real life support, friends maybe?
These kinds of times really do bring out the true character of people though.
Awful.
Take care of yourself op, this is dreadful timing and Xmas in the mix for extra complications... It all sucks.
It's ok if you feel really destabilised by this and need to hibernate away. Understandable, you can always play the grief card if you need to get some distance from him... Given how he is I imagine he'd be more than happy for you to grieve elsewhere. ☹️

I am just shocked by him.

Yes, I will catch up with a couple of friends when I'm back home. I'm not a big sharer and everyone thinks he is great though, so it will likely be to talk about my nan.

I am going to come back to my mum's in a few days, I'll bring the cat and plenty of clothes, and I might ask work if I can WFH for the first week or two of the New Year, so I don't have to go back.

Thank you all for your support, and not ridiculing me for being upset about his reaction or comments on looking after the cat. I feel he is trying to push me away and he's been successful now. He won't ever have to look after the cat again. And I'm not inviting him to the funeral, either.

Aww. Horrid shock, to be treated this way.

We had the funeral on Monday, it was sad, but a very good reflection of Nan, I'm pleased it's done now and that she is at peace.

DP didn't come.

This morning I got up for work and he started on about the cat again, and how it meant he couldn't 'do up' the utility room that the cat sleeps in. I don't know why it is such an issue for him. He must hate the cat. Or it's a great focus for his unhappiness with us/me/life. He said it's his house and he should be able to do it all up, it's what he bought it for (he was gifted the full purchase price as early inheritance).

I'm tired, emotionally exhausted. How do I sit down and tell him that? If I tell him how I feel he ridicules it.

If the relationship is over for you, then it doesn't actually matter how he responds. You are informing him, not asking his opinion. The very fact that you know he will ridicule your pain and deeply held concerns says it all.

What can you see as the way forward for you? Somehow you ended back in the house with him, and presumably did invite him to the funeral. Are you willing to endure more of the same?

Do you really want to live with this miserable git any longer? He is irritating and depressing me and I don't even know him.

I'm really sorry you lost your grandmother and I hope you and your mum are okay 💐

I'm very sorry for your loss op.💐

Womeninconstruction is spot on when she said "Sounds like a deeply insufficient man has found a highly self sufficient woman to enable him and share his life with..."

Op you deserve so much better!

Also, I am sorry that you had to discover that this man is not worthy of you, in these very sad circumstances. He is selfish and unkind. And he is pathetic and strategically incompetent using the cat as an excuse not to support you. He has truly shown you who he is.

As far as telling him goes; can you not let your actions do the talking?

Lots of other posters on here will give you advice on how to get your ducks in a row, financially and practically, and it sounds as if you are in a strong financial position anyway.

Do you need any legal advice with regard to your accommodation or any joint mortgage etc?

I would continue to pretend everything is fine until you get all of your paperwork in order, and either ask him to move out (no discussion required) or move out yourself, and leave a note on the table saying, "you don't have to look after the cat any more" and block the selfish arse.

Find your anger and keep strong op.

TryingAgainAgainAgain
is right, his response is irrelevant. You don't need his permission to leave.

Op, I hope you don't mind me saying this but you sound like a lovely person who takes care of others while being very practically and emotionally independent. Would you consider opening up to your RL friends a little? Is there someone you trust whom you could talk to about your DP? And who could support you while you leave?

And perhaps, given a bit of time, maybe some counselling might be in order?

Take care op.

You tell him he has treated you appallingly and you would prefer to be on your own with the cat than spend another day in his company.
12 years and he wasn’t at your dear nans funeral? What an absolute piece of work. You deserve so very much more than this tiny little man.

As I am sure everyone has said the only thing worse than 12 years with this revolting man is 12 years + one day.

Just do what you have to do to leave, you and your kitty. You were’nt married and he owns tge house so you aren’t able to claim anything in terms if assets-but also you aren’t tied down by them. Just go and start life fresh without this moaning pile of wet.

He is a twat
keep the cat

Thank you all - I really appreciate your responses.

I had to go back 'home' as I had to be able to go into work, so yes, I'm back there. Things are tense and uncomfortable, but I do feel like I've crossed a threshold, and my emotion for him has more or less gone. I feel sorry for him, for the way he thinks it's ok to treat me.

He said if I wanted him at the funeral, I should ask him. But I don't think I should have to - he should have gone. A daft side of me, while we were in the family car heading to the service, thought he would be there when we arrived. He wasn't, and that extinguished what emotion was left, really.

@Moodliftrequired thank you. I don't have any RL friends. All part of the relationship I've been in. I lost touch with everybody, I stopped talking to friends I'd known since I was 4 (because one was a man, and he said no man is frends with a woman unless he wants to sleep with her - except him, DP has a few female 'friends', but that's different, he says...). Friends from my previous life, all gone because he insisted I close my social media accounts when we met. Stupid me did it (I had been in a physically abusive relationship previous and his love-bombing made me feel like he was the only one who cared). I need to rebuild some bridges and see if I can reconnect with people. I think that's why he would have hated the funeral - lots of old family friends who remembered me as a child, lots of praise and compliments for me - he doesn't much seem to like that.

Things have also changed a little, in that the estate is being split 4 ways, so I will get 25% of it, which I now don't know whether to use to pay rent for a year upfront and have a little left, or use as a deposit and buy somewhere.. Lots of decisions but this feels like my Nan is looking out for me and trying to help.

His reason for not coming was that he wanted me to be strong for my mum (apparently I might not have been if he was there), that I didn't tell him I wanted or needed him to go, and that he only met my nan a few times (that's because he hadn't been to my hometown for several years, for various reasons/excuses..).

sorry for the continued ranting on here. It's hard to not just cry but I am trying to keep my head up and keep strong, I need to be able to just walk away (yep, no legal advice needed - no marriage/kids/mortgage).. X

Firstly I’m so sorry OP.

Secondly he’s controlling you via cat.
He’s a man child. Tell him to grow up and get out. You deserve better.

Edit. Think I posted same time as you- use the gift as a deposit OP. Get your own place xx