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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh fuck. Single again.

45 replies

2024cansuckit · 22/12/2024 02:04

Argument with the partner this week...been together 10 ish months...he's taking some time to think about things but ignoring my messages totally...told him he needs to communciate in order to right our wrongs and the things we said in the heat of the moment.

To ignore someone completely while your taking time to think but state you don't want to end it is driving me mad. Argument wasn't bad but we both snapped at each other a little however I made valid points which he clearly didn't like about he doesn't step up as much as he could for his mum (who he is currently living with short term) or his sister who's having major surgery soon with 2 small kids....he has no kids..I was abrupt and cross but nothing that can't be communicated properly about.

Been 3 days of ignoring me so I just said I can't do this ignoring stuff anymore, anyway, he messaged back and he thinks I am evil and can't see a way forward and its over.
He's collected his bits and bobs...and I gave him the presents I got him (bought too long ago to return) however when I asked him to come over the other night he was too busy in the pub with the lads...ugh

Just needed to write it out. Don't want it to end over an argument where we both said some cutting things guess some people can't deal with that?

I don't know. Please be gentle. I'm really sad it's taken me a long time after abuse to venture out again.

OP posts:
useitorlose · 22/12/2024 02:06

Tbh he doesn't sound like the right one for you. He has a cheek to accept those gifts and your values aren't aligned. Better no one than the wrong one.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 22/12/2024 02:07

If it's this bad at 10 months when you should be in the honeymoon period of a new relationship, then he's really not right for you.
He sounds very abusive emotionally, it would only get worse.

Original poster
2024cansuckit · 22/12/2024 02:09

AlmostAJillSandwich · 22/12/2024 02:07

If it's this bad at 10 months when you should be in the honeymoon period of a new relationship, then he's really not right for you.
He sounds very abusive emotionally, it would only get worse.

I thought this but then I worry about throwing that around too easy.....step of line and I'll get ignored doesn't sit well though

OP posts:
murasaki · 22/12/2024 02:10

Being single isn't a character failing or a flaw. It's way better than being in a bad relationship. You need to reframe your thinking on this and put yourself first. It's OK to feel sad about this, but you deserve better and sometimes that is just you for a bit.

mathanxiety · 22/12/2024 02:14

2024cansuckit · 22/12/2024 02:09

I thought this but then I worry about throwing that around too easy.....step of line and I'll get ignored doesn't sit well though

Show quote history

It doesn't, you're right.

Draw a line under it. Move on. Well done for giving it a go and for being able to speak your mind.

Original poster
2024cansuckit · 22/12/2024 02:19

mathanxiety · 22/12/2024 02:14

It doesn't, you're right.

Draw a line under it. Move on. Well done for giving it a go and for being able to speak your mind.

Show quote history

Thank you...might not give relationships a go for another long while haha

OP posts:
RedRock41 · 22/12/2024 05:17

Sorry you’re hurting. Does depend what you said though. Maybe it was last straw for him. Leave it for now and if its meant to be he will come back to you.

LolaB00 · 22/12/2024 06:05

Life's too short to be with a twat. Just read about others on here and thank god you don't have their problems x

PastaAndProse · 22/12/2024 06:17

It's 10 months in OP. Relationships aren't meant to be this hard, especially not so early on. This one wasn't right.

RoachFish · 22/12/2024 06:44

murasaki · 22/12/2024 02:10

Being single isn't a character failing or a flaw. It's way better than being in a bad relationship. You need to reframe your thinking on this and put yourself first. It's OK to feel sad about this, but you deserve better and sometimes that is just you for a bit.

You are absolutely right. I feel much prouder of myself for being single than when I was in a crap marriage. It's baffling to men that women choose to stay single when the alternative is being with a mediocre man. It's quite liberating to just not give a fuck about them.

Zanatdy · 22/12/2024 06:45

This is how my ex dealt with things, by not dealing with them but ignoring me. After a few days, or weeks (6 wks once) he would start talking to me again. Sometimes we would have a conversation about it, other times he would literally just come home from work one day like it never happened. When he started doing the same to my older son (not his child) I left him. Not the first time, as we had 2 younger children and it wasn’t easy to walk away, but being in a relationship with someone who sulks like a child is a nightmare. Trust me, he is showing you how he feels with conflict. Be glad it’s over as you’ll save yourself future heartache.

nonbinaryfinery · 22/12/2024 06:46

He sounds like a twat you don't want someone like that about. Being single is the best thing ever.

Jingleballsup · 22/12/2024 06:53

The issue often isn't the conflict itself. It's the way people deal with conflict in a realationship is really important. Any time you have an issue, this is likely how he will behave. Think about whether this is something you can tolerate.

IDoLikeToBeByTheSea · 22/12/2024 06:55

If he can treat his mum and sister poorly, why would he be any different with you? He’s not worth your time or energy

ElleintheWoods · 22/12/2024 07:05

I think you just need to accept it’s over. If one partner says it is, it isn’t really up for debate, and why would you want someone that has decided against it?

So no more messages, no more inviting him over or trying to make amends. Just don’t try to contact him.

I know there’s always the temptation to contact and talk things through, but trying to contact someone who doesn’t want to be contacted doesn’t take their wants and needs into account. People need space sometimes to think things through. Not everyone deals with things the same way. If someone called and messaged me daily without any response from me, it wouldn’t be seen positively. My ex would force me to talk when i really wasn’t in the right headspace and nothing good ever came of it.

Giving people space sometimes is the best thing you can do in conflict resolution.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 22/12/2024 07:08

Nothing wrong with being single.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Sulks and ignores you when he doesn't get his way, doesn't step up for family, even his own Mum. Throw this one back and enjoy Christmas not dating an waste of space.

Opentooffers · 22/12/2024 07:12

His reaction, and his treatment of his family ( stand by your valid points) are both bad signs. They probably explain why he's single and living with his DM.
If you have your own place, and he doesn't, then you are on different levels and there's probably a lot of incompatible lifestyles that would of cropped up anyway. He may have gone from living with his DM, to moving in with you, then you'd get the silent treatment in your own home whenever you tried to get him to pull his weight. There are often bad reasons why grown men live with their DM's. Lol, having dated a couple, I would never go their again.

HollyChristmas · 22/12/2024 07:16

You don't want it to end like that , but he obviously does .
He has ended it like this , and you are going to have to accept that .
Close the door on it , and move on in the way that suits you .

Maddy70 · 22/12/2024 08:12

Nope hes gone. Mivr on. Stop texting him

HPandthelastwish · 22/12/2024 08:17

I wouldn't want him back.

If he doesn't step up for his mum and sister when they need him, but has a good enough relationship with them to live there then he won't step up for you when you need him either.

I'd see this as a big ol' warning and get ready to start 2025 afresh.

PheasantPluckers · 22/12/2024 08:22

Sod him, better single than putting up with this! There is needing space after an argument and there is power play - what he's doing is the latter. He's holding all the cards right now and most likely, enjoying having you dangling. Take control and send one final message: it's over. Then block and delete the abusive dickhead.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/12/2024 08:31

This man was another abuser, the silent treatment he gave you is an example of emotional abuse. Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control.

There is no need to contact him further.

If you have not already enrolled yourself onto the Freedom Programme I would suggest you do this online or in person. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, have been further eroded by this individual. Be on your own and take time to heal. Remember always the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Tooes · 22/12/2024 08:34

Go spend time with your friends and family, block him, stay away from social media and Mumsnet and move on

NunyaBeeswax · 22/12/2024 08:35

After 10months?

Tell him to go fuck himself.

Partners should add to your life, not subtract from it.
Drama and bullshit is not adding to your life.

Wave good bye to the fucking arse weasel

Original poster
2024cansuckit · 22/12/2024 09:11

Zanatdy · 22/12/2024 06:45

This is how my ex dealt with things, by not dealing with them but ignoring me. After a few days, or weeks (6 wks once) he would start talking to me again. Sometimes we would have a conversation about it, other times he would literally just come home from work one day like it never happened. When he started doing the same to my older son (not his child) I left him. Not the first time, as we had 2 younger children and it wasn’t easy to walk away, but being in a relationship with someone who sulks like a child is a nightmare. Trust me, he is showing you how he feels with conflict. Be glad it’s over as you’ll save yourself future heartache.

This is horrendous op! 6 weeks...thats awful and I'm sorry he did that to your DS x

OP posts: