I think I have strong feelings for my best friend

[Xmaschoc]

I’m pretty sure my friend has feelings for me too. We are together almost 24/7. He does a lot for me. We touch each other affectionately. He’s extremely important to me. All my friends say it’s so obvious how he feels.

I’m online dating, so is he. He’s never made a move on me. He’ll also often say he never goes for women he really wants.

I can’t ignore this for much longer.

Do I say something? If so, what? I clam up every time I begin to even think about telling him.

Please help.

Lots of things are going on here and it's no wonder you are confused.

He pays compliments and does some nice things for you

He takes up hours of your time

He shows jealousy around other men you date

Yet...

He is confident around asking other women on dates

He has never asked you on a date

Ummm - he gets to live a single life with the emotional aspect covered by you and yet he can date around and have sex with other women.

Bingo!

The taking up hours of your time means you do not get to leave the friendship and form a relationship with a man who wants to be your life partner. He is doing enough nice and lovely things to keep you wondering and confused about your relationship so you remain attached.

His keeping you on a long leash also means he doesn't have to grow up and form an emotional and physical bond with a woman ... any woman ... including you.

If he wants you, he would ask, he is not shy and reserved around women. He is nice because you serve a purpose, he sleeps with other women, he keeps you nicely tied up at home.

So far so manipulative.

If I had a quid for every time a woman's has thought 'but, he wouldn't hurt me, he's my friend' in history, I'd be a billionaire.

Consider how he treats others perhaps? Do exs speak well of him do you know? Any odd rumours from shared friends about bad or unkind behaviour?

And how does he speak about others? Eg, does he speak ill of other friends when they aren't around? Is he derogatory of women? Are all his exs described by him as 'crazy'?

Those are some potential red flags that he is simply playing nice with you in order to fool you.

No red flags. Honestly. We have mutual friends who have known him for 30 years and they adore him. He’s a genuinely nice guy.

I enjoy all this time with him. He brings me a lot in my life. No complaints from me.

Everything you’re saying is a red flag in him could also be applied to me 🤷‍♀️

he never progresses beyond first date with the few women he goes on dates with. He’s not actually trying to date much. Occasional one from the apps. He doesn’t approach women in bars etc anymore that was from a few years ago. Where as I’m far more active and been seeing men the whole time I’ve known him.

Eg, does he speak ill of other friends when they aren't around? Is he derogatory of women? Are all his exs described by him as 'crazy'?

absolutely none of these
I wouldn’t be close or friends with a guy saying or doing these things
he has a lot of good in him

He hasn’t slept with a woman in 2-3 years

The taking up hours of your time means you do not get to leave the friendship and form a relationship with a man who wants to be your life partner. I have been on many dates and seen several men in the time I’ve known my friend so this doesn’t hold true either

Ohhhh You're me 15 years ago! He's now asleep next to me, we're married and have ds. Lots of people say I'm married to my best friend, but I actually am, we've been best friends since we were 11 years old.
I can't really advise you how to make a move, we went out to an event, both got drunk, a guy asked me for my number and then DH kissed me. He says it was the first time in ages we were both single at the same time and he couldn't watch me date someone else again! I had seen how he treated girlfriends, how he was with friends, family etc so knew exactly who I was getting into a relationship with. It's like a shortcut.

As for the why hasn't he made a move, why haven't you? It's because it's more complicated than a random on an app, neither of you wants to risk the friendship if the other might not feel the same. I sent my friend a cheque with her wedding invitation because she always used to say to be you'll marry that boy one day (when we were at 6th form) and I used to say no we're just friends! At once point she bet me twenty pounds. We got together at 25. I think that was good because we'd both lived life a little, so no regrets or what ifs.

Why not text him? Gives him space and privacy to think of a reply and you don't get embarrassment in person if his face says no.

Hi Jack, I don't know if you have realised but I like you more than a friend. If you feel the same then I'm free on Friday. If you don't then ignore this message. Happy Christmas.

Then if it is a no, step right back in case you're his amusement. But think positive.

When you’re on the phone, is he listening to you and letting you direct the conversation? Or is he just talking about himself and choosing the topics?

The way he’s filling up your attention could be a red flag as he’s not giving you space to think clearly away from him.

He’s very much focussed on me most of the time

That’s good. I think it would be wise to clear the air with him. If he’s not interested, he’s not giving you the space to find someone else. He’s extremely naive if he’s not thought of that—at least subconsciously.

I l have been dating others and been in short term relationships
So it’s not like he’s preventing me
also same could be applied to me?

Hopefully you can both sustain similar levels of contact and meeting each others’ needs post relationship, otherwise it would be lovebombing and things can go downhill fast and bad from there.

It may well be that you are love bombing him, too. Have you been able to sustain long healthy happy relationships in the past?

The last time I was on the phone with someone for 7 hours, it turned out to be a controlling sulking narcissist, very unpleasant. Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde. Mr Hyde took quite some time to appear.

The type of people who would stay on the phone for 8 hours regularly are love and attention addicts, and this is usually childhood neglect and abuse based, basically looking for the thing you never had. They can often consume and burn each other out, because there is no amount of love attention is enough. An it won’t be until the wound is recognised for what it is and healing is provided.

I do hope it all works out for you.

You know the man OP. You think he is worth it so ask him on a date. He can only say yes or no. It would save and further confusion

Have you been able to sustain long healthy happy relationships in the past? yes!

If you’re in love with him, you won’t give other relationships a chance–even if you don’t know that’s what’s happening. Or one of you will get into a longterm relationship and the other one of you will hang around forlornly, making the new partner nervous.

You’ve got two choices.

• Decide that you don’t choose him. Don’t say anything. Distance yourself and give future relationships a chance.
• Rip the band aid off and tell him. Clear the air.

I echo what another poster says. My only experience with someone who wanted to be on the phone for that long was extremely unhealthy. They were not someone it was possible to maintain a stable dynamic with.

My only experience with someone who wanted to be on the phone for that long was extremely unhealthy. They were not someone it was possible to maintain a stable dynamic with. I’m enjoying it too and take part. Soss that mean I’m not able to maintain a stable dynamic? I would call myself pretty stable

just trying to understand

Just say something.

Imagine he meets somebody and gives them the attention you are used to?

If you are dating regularly he thinks you are just his friend. He might not wish to ruin things with 'feelings'

It sounds like you really just need to ask him out OP. If you’re both mutually feeling the same thing then it’s a good thing.

Some posters are trying to warn you in case this man isn’t interested in you but is using you to feed some kind of pathological need for female attention. There are people who treat their friends in this unkind way, keeping them dangling.

But none of us know you or the man. Only you know whether you want the situation to continue as it is or whether you want to do something about it. But if something feels weird to you and is telling you not to ask him out, listen to your instincts.

Either you have chemistry or you don't.
As wise friends once told me...shag him and see

Something you hold in your subconscience is holding you back OP and you keep knocking back any suggestions as to why he is not asking you out and why this in an of itself is a pause for thought for some.

That's fine you know the man but you aren't letting him know you like him in that way either so something is stopping you too.

As @ItsAlmostChristmas says you are going to have to trust your instinct. If you don't you are choosing to live with this situation as it is.

I had a male friend like this, spent loads of time together we had loads of fun but in essence we were good friends playing rather than partnership material. We discussed what we felt and we were both attracted to each other but not wildly so. He ws terribly shy with women but still voiced what he wanted from the relationship and how he felt. We had a full and honest conversation decided to stay just being best friends instead. I've no doubt we would have had sex anytime if either of us wanted it but it wouldn't have been right. It was an emotional connection rather than a full relationship, I accepted that fully but we were both single and casually dating so not entirely fair to dating partners but not a terrible crime either.

One thing we did do though was take up an awful lot of time and headspace for each other, it did prevent other potential relationships forming but it was what we both wanted at the time. Ended with a terminal illness he withdrew and died and I'm grateful for the fun we had together and for knowing such a lovely man existed in the world but I do accept it perhaps stopped us both from finding happiness with a partner for many years.

It's OK to be happy with that situation of course, but if you are looking for someone special you're going to have to shit or get off the pot

Lets face it, none of us know him or you so all these conflicting PsOV are useless. You’ll always get the doom and gloom merchants no matter what you say…

”Oh so you’ve been friends for 20 years and he’s always been kind, supportive and considerate? Narcissist. He’s just biding his time” 🙄

Just tell him. Text if you’re too shy to do it face to face.

“Look Jim, I’m not going to beat around the bush. I’ve started to think of you as more than a friend. What do you reckon to giving it a go? No worries if not 😁”