Page 2 | I think I have strong feelings for my best friend

Pankoberry · 21/12/2024 20:58

Have you ever been drunk around each other?! I find it hard to believe that with this level of communication, if you’re a bit off guard (drunk), one of you isn’t going to make a ‘move’?

Original poster

Xmaschoc · 21/12/2024 20:59

We don’t really drink
But I did think we could try and I could say something then
Because my gosh I need the courage

OP posts:

Pankoberry · 21/12/2024 21:02

I think just some physical contact that goes on ‘too long’ is a very good sign that you like someone and likely to get reciprocated if they like you back. But also, can be brushed off as nothing if they don’t…

Xmaschoc · 21/12/2024 21:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Pankoberry · 21/12/2024 21:04

I’d just try and kiss him then or hold his hand. Do something that elevates it to the next level, without having to say ‘I like you’. Sounds like it’ll be very well received to me!

LeftoverTurkeyPie · 21/12/2024 21:25

This is one of those posts I wish I’d spotted in a few weeks, but all I can do now is shamelessly placemark!

Mangocity · 22/12/2024 01:02

It sounds like you might have grown dependent on each other. The simplest thing to do is try a relationship because otherwise this will have to end when one of you meets someone else.

If you know - and it sounds like you absolutely do know beyond any reasonable doubt - that he has feelings for you, it is up to you to do something about it in my opinion. All your talking about other men will probably have left him feeling friend zoned and I think it's rather sweet that he hasn't made any move despite clearly having feelings.

The bit holding you back seems to be the fear of losing him but look at it this way - if you're not going to be his partner he deserves to be free to move on. You cannot keep him in your life like this. It isn't fair. So you taking a risk, even if for some odd unforeseen reason he doesn't respond as we expect, is the best thing to do if you feel you could have a relationship with this man. It would give you both some clarity.

It doesn't sound like you're willing to say anything though. Or do anything. I totally get how nerve wracking this is but with all due respect, you need to rise to the level of the circumstances in some shape or form, whether that looks like getting a mutual friend to drop a hint or having a drink because it's Christmas.

I would not test him or play any silly games with him. It sounds like he has already been tested.

Fistle · 22/12/2024 01:11

What are you, working on the international Space Station or a submarine or something, if you’re both 40something and are together ‘almost 24/7’ and talk for eight hours at a time?

StopStartStop · 22/12/2024 01:12

'Time to shag or move on, Donald.'
That might work.

litepop · 22/12/2024 01:19

I think you're hopeful he likes you and I get that.

However, I'm not buying his side of it. He's confident around women, actively dating (or at least pursuing dates), but willing to sit back while you date other men and will even discuss it with you.

That doesn't sound like a man that's crazy about you (not to me anyway)

MrsHemswoth · 22/12/2024 01:34

The best relationships stem from great friendships, I definitely think that and always have! He's most likely thinking the same as most close male friends I've had over the years only want to spend this amount of time with me because they like me more than just a friend!

Those who are just genuinely platonic friends are off doing other things, seeking out other women and have other friends - if they choose to be with you so much it's for a reason!

MarkingBad · 22/12/2024 01:55

If you were both in your late teens could buy it but I agree with PP in that he knows full well what he is doing.

If he was interested in you in any serious way he wouldn't be playing games and pushing boundaries, he'd stop dating others and find a way to tell you his feelings even if it wasn't in so many words. When people are serious about a real relationship they always find ways. As he isn't doing this he is playing with you to see how far he can go.

Oh and please don't do the pick me dance/maniputlation/jealousy some PP suggest, it doesn't encourage respect in any potential partner, not that manipulators have any respect for anyone but themselves.

Pinkbonbon · 22/12/2024 02:18

Worth noting too- A grown man appearing 'jealous' when you date others is a red flag. Surely when single, he would have asked you out straight away then? The fact that he hasn't implies he doesn't want you, he just doesn't want others to have you. If you're into someone you don't get to say nothing then make it obvious you're jealous when they date someone else. That's just game playing. It's a child that doesn't want someone playing with their toy.

ThisWillBeOurYear · 22/12/2024 09:14

I think I disagree with his jealousy being a red flag. He could be worried about losing the friendship if he revealed his feelings, like the op is, and feel unable to say anything.
I don't think there is anything wrong with jealousy itself, it's when it becomes controlling that it is a problem. But I guess that's a personal opinion and other posters might see jealousy differently.

Mangocity · 22/12/2024 22:21

Pinkbonbon · 22/12/2024 02:18

Worth noting too- A grown man appearing 'jealous' when you date others is a red flag. Surely when single, he would have asked you out straight away then? The fact that he hasn't implies he doesn't want you, he just doesn't want others to have you. If you're into someone you don't get to say nothing then make it obvious you're jealous when they date someone else. That's just game playing. It's a child that doesn't want someone playing with their toy.

I can think of other explanations. If he feels friend zoned and too shy, he could be jealous yet assume his own bid would be unwelcome. Not everything that can be made to look like a game is intended as one. I would never talk about someone I liked to someone I also liked. It's very obvious friend zoning.

Pinkbonbon · 22/12/2024 22:53

I dont think there's anything wrong with FEELING jealous in the above situation. But you can feel it without showing it (and likely making the other person uncomfortable/fucking with their head).

Also, it's not a friendship if you are jealous of their partners.

MillyGoat · 22/12/2024 23:00

If you met someone else there’s no way you could continue a friendship at this level. I’d never be comfortable with DH having a friendship like this. I’d say anyone he met would feel the same.

So your options are:

You tell him, he likes you too, you give it a go and are happy ever after
You tell him, it doesn’t work out, you lose him as a friend (of this depth)
You don’t tell him, you or he meets someone else, you lose him as a friend

To me it’s a no brainer. You talk to him… but you don’t have to tell him everything, you can ask how he feels first.

Moonlightstars · 22/12/2024 23:07

Christl78 · 21/12/2024 20:27

Hmmm, looks to me he knows how to play women (I say this positively) and he very well knows you are into him. He just waits for the right moment before he makes a move to ensure he is not rejected.

I would say make him jealous. Tell him you are dating someone who is very into you and thinking of giving him a chance and ask his opinion. Obviously this guy should be tall, handsome, succesful, smitten with you 😄. Let’s see what he does. Tell him every single detail of your dates with this man and then after “3 dates” ask your friend: “do you think it’s too early to sleep with him? I haven’t slept with anyone for such a long time”.

Edited

Show quote history

Ugh don't play games. Especially with a friend.
Personally I would go out for a few drinks and then go to hold his hand or give him a little kiss. If he backs off pretend it never happened!

ItsVeryConfusing · 22/12/2024 23:09

I think it sounds as though you are basically already in a relationship. I think you just need to admit it out loud.

Good luck.

MillyGoat · 22/12/2024 23:10

Moonlightstars · 22/12/2024 23:07

Ugh don't play games. Especially with a friend.
Personally I would go out for a few drinks and then go to hold his hand or give him a little kiss. If he backs off pretend it never happened!

Show quote history

Agree. Games are for kids

MillyGoat · 22/12/2024 23:11

ItsVeryConfusing · 22/12/2024 23:09

I think it sounds as though you are basically already in a relationship. I think you just need to admit it out loud.

Good luck.

Yes 🙌

ThisWillBeOurYear · 22/12/2024 23:13

Pinkbonbon · 22/12/2024 22:53

I dont think there's anything wrong with FEELING jealous in the above situation. But you can feel it without showing it (and likely making the other person uncomfortable/fucking with their head).

Also, it's not a friendship if you are jealous of their partners.

Yes that is true, they wouldn't be able to carry on the friendship if either of them felt jealous.

I wonder how much jealousy he was showing, did she pick up on it or was he making it obvious?

Original poster

Xmaschoc · 23/12/2024 21:59

Without wanting to be too outing, he’s done things that our mutual friends have noticed and they have asked me (not him) why we aren’t together. Apparently we look like married couple. He’s always wanting to spend so much time with me and it’s evident he cares a lot.

However I’m now concerned by some of the posters here saying he knows what he’s doing…I never saw him like that, he’s my friend after all.

OP posts:

litepop · 23/12/2024 22:37

Xmaschoc · 21/12/2024 16:44

I’m pretty sure my friend has feelings for me too. We are together almost 24/7. He does a lot for me. We touch each other affectionately. He’s extremely important to me. All my friends say it’s so obvious how he feels.

I’m online dating, so is he. He’s never made a move on me. He’ll also often say he never goes for women he really wants.

I can’t ignore this for much longer.

Do I say something? If so, what? I clam up every time I begin to even think about telling him.

Please help.

If most men were in constant contact with someone they had feelings for, they'd do something about it. So it's either one of 2 things:

He's extremely shy and lacks confidence. Scared of you rejecting him and ruining the friendship. This is a possibility but the reason I doubted it is that he's active on dating apps and makes it clear he's 'jealous' of your dates (ie not that shy!)

OR

He's playing a game/manipulating you. Can only imagine this would be cos he likes having you around as a friend but doesn't like you enough for a serious long term relationship (and lets face it, it would need to be pretty serious to risk such a deep friendship for). If it's this option, i guess he's 'jealous' as he's scared you'll meet someone and you'll no longer be at his beck and call while he continues his batchelor life. Maybe he's enjoying the best of both worlds.

Only you know which is most likely to be accurate.

Also you say mutual friends ask you why you're not a couple? Do they ever ask him? If so, what does he say?

Original poster

Xmaschoc · 23/12/2024 22:55

I don’t think they have mentioned it to him
he did something very special for me and people were moved by it and told him that at least

I don’t think he’s playing games with me
he’s been my friend for a long time and has gone over and beyond for me
I’ve never considered him to be manipulative or a bad person
in fact I think he’s truly wonderful and generous

but I do wonder why he hasn’t made a move
is it because I’ve been dating other men

my male friends who have been in love with me in the past behaved the same way as this guy - too scared to say or do anything
but they never mentioned other women

OP posts: