Please help - The amount of time me and my partner spend together

[MaisieMoo02]

Hello,

so we both work full time (one is a very stressful job). We have 3 children and usually get 1 maybe 2 date nights a week - usually go for tea or get a takeaway.

all other nights of the week so 5-6 nights, I will usually watch telly and he plays games with his friends. I would at least like one other night a week however this is causing arguments as he wants to relax and have his own time. I’m not saying he can’t, but 5-6 nights a week?!

I don’t really have any hobbies or interests which is my issue but I’m just wondering if I am being unreasonable wanting another night to either watch telly together/play games etc? Or what other couples normal is?

If you don't spend time time together or he doesn't want to why stay in a relationship?

yabu.

Exact same situation here, except we probably have 3 date nights a year.

It’s tiring having three kids and a full time job, most nights I just want to collapse and chill on my own.

Let your partner rest.

He thinks that we spend a sufficient amount of time together but I don’t and makes me feel that I am being unreasonable

So you don’t just hang out together in the evenings? You only spend time together if you’re having a meal out or a takeaway?
Can you see if you could start a joint activity - maybe get some games and once a week have games night. Or even find a series you both want to watch and then do that some nights. I feel like you should be spending time together outside of a date night. Like you should surely just want to hang out together in the evenings? It’s fine for you both to have some evenings to yourself of course. But definitely think I’d like more than 1 or 2 nights a week with my husband!

How old are your children? We also only have about 3 date nights a year.

Or do you count sitting in front of the TV chatting together with the baby monitor on? If so, yanbu, I'd also be offended if dh didn't want to do this after the kids went to bed

@Slidingdowntherainbow yeah I get that.. this is why I wondered what other people thought - thank you 😊

We have 2 young children and by the time they are asleep and we’ve tidied lounge and kitchen from the day it’s 8.30-9pm. We both run businesses so in the week we usually work on laptops while chatting or have something that doesn’t require much attention on tv in background. I’m up about 3 times a night with youngest so try to get to bed by 10.30pm latest in week.

Friday we tend to watch a film together and get a take away or have a ‘nicer’ dinner together rather than eating with kids. I’d like to get into puzzles/lego together.

Saturday we are often out or entertaining, and Sunday I have a bath while DH plays PlayStation.

This routine gives us time alone and time together but we sometimes don’t manage it (one of us needs to work a weekend eve, we have a busy social weekend, or we’ve both been so busy we want more alone time for example).

I think you seem to be having a decent amount of ‘together’ time but maybe you need to change what you are doing during these times if you are feeling a bit disconnected.

One or two date nights every week with young kids is great!!
Think you need to find a hobby or interest and not be so reliant on your partner for entertainment.

It’s very separate, as in we spend time together on date nights but any other nights, its separate, no watching telly for a bit or anything.

kids are 12, 10 and 7.. we do have tea together but then it’s back to separate

My God, you have three children, work full time abd get one or two date nights a week?? We get one or two date nights every few months. I think your expectations are too high.
Honestly I'd actually feel suffocated and stressed if DH wanted three date nights every week. I'm exhausted with work, kids abd housework. I need some downtime alone too.

My partner and I don't have "date nights", we never have! Our little boy is one and by the time he's in bed at 7pm we have dinner and then just hang out for the evening, we'll watch a series or play on our console, chatting and having a laugh!

Is the issue that you don't play games and he doesn't like the telly you watch?

Could you suggest finding some films or series on a catch-up service to watch together? And could you give it a go playing games with him?

Or is the real issue he wants to spend the time with his friends, not you, so it is not really about the games - in which case you have a BIG problem.

He has said before that we will have basically 2 nights a week that we spend together then every other night, he wants time to himself, which basically turns into him just playing his games with his friends.

we would never sit and play games together or watch telly on the nights that are not our “date night”

We have one young baby but I'd say our week is the opposite to yours. Once baby is in bed we have dinner together and watch TV or chat or play a game 5-6 nights a week and the other 1-2 nights either one of us will have a very early night with a book or one of us will be out.

We wouldn't class the evenings we spend together as 'date nights', that would be if we were getting a babysitter and going out for dinner or something. I can't imagine living with a partner and only spending an evening or two a week in the same room though!

i think its totally reasonable for you to want to spend more than 1-2 evenings a week with DH even if its to watch a programme together for an hour or two. him playing games for 5-6 nights a week is bonkers. we have a baby so dont really get time to ourselves (i go to bed when the baby goes down for the night) but we spend around 2 hours every eve talking/watching tv.

I guess I feel like the way I think is bonkers in the sense of I think it is very normal to sit and watch telly together each night or at least some and not just having set nights and reading the majority of responses, that’s what a lot of people do too. However, my partner seems to think k you have to have set nights then the rest is your own time

just makes me feel a bit sad and lonely. I can’t talk to him about it as it causes too many arguments

Your time is not your own when you have children. How much time does he spend with them?

@slightlydistrac not much, he does morning school runs, puts to bed and talks to them when he first comes in etc and we sometimes take them out on a Saturday but otherwise it’s very rare he would do anything else with them as he is on his game

You need to find middle ground and to do so you need to communicate, why does it end in arguments?

it’s not fair to expect him to follow your schedule but equally it’s not fair for him to limit the time together to the extent you feel lonely.

Why don’t you find a hobby to do a few evenings a week? Your partner can’t be everything to you, sometimes you have to outsource some things and perhaps this is something you need to.

My husband and I haven’t had a date night in well over a year due to having no childcare. I would love to have 2 date night a week! Get a hobby!

I find this weird. My DH and I are together 5/6 nights a week. We enjoy each others company and generally watch tv, chat, play games together.

But do you spend every evening entirely in different rooms doing different things, as the OP and her partner seem to?

For us watching TV or having a takeaway together isn't a 'date night' it's just an evening living in the same house.

We don't watch a lot of tv, and it's rare for us to want to watch the same things.

After dinner/chat we spend time separately - I read whilst OH plays a game online.
I've never thought of it as a problem, we're quite independent and both enjoy our own things.
We do spend loads of time together - out for lunch today for example and always eat together, but it would drive me mad watching tv every night with him!
Do you read or have any hobbies of your own?

1-2 date nights a week with 3 children? That's amazing and I don't see what more you could ask for right now? How do you do it? You must have a great babysitter?

One or two date night a week with three children !!!!!!! You’re having a laugh. Who has that kind of time? Most it would be that many over many months.