My Mum is not organised for Christmas, and now that's my problem apparently

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

I have already bought presents for my DH and DC on her behalf but she has just phoned me today to organise presents for her cleaner and her cleaner's DC. She said I can think of things and order them online, the Saturday before Christmas, and she needs them for Monday morning. Or just pop to the toy shop, again the Saturday before Christmas. I always organise everything by the end of November and then don't set foot into a shop for most of December because I really hate crowds.

Just whinging to you lot because there is no-one else at home at the moment. I will probably just get cash and Christmas cards and she can either give that or not.

It always makes my heart sink (and my blood glucose spike) when I answer the phone and hear either "could you just..." or "are you busy at the moment?".

Why aren’t you telling her “no”?

I had this yesterday, ‘when you’re at the shops can you just get……’ No, I’m not going anywhere near the shops now. So then I suggested ordering the thing, and she then decided to wait for the sales 🙄

If she can phone you up she can do it online herself?

No bloody way would I be doing this.

Unless there are mobility/health issues, why don't you just tell her she will have to solve her own problem, as you have myriad things to do for your own Christmas?

I said no to the initial request, getting cash is my limit. I have to go up and visit her anyway as she has a cold that has turned into a nasty cough and can't open the childproof cap on the cough syrup. I don't particularly want her going out to get cash herself as she is not steady on her feet and it's very gusty here today. I was watching my dog in the garden, who is solid and low to the ground, and a gust made him stagger so my Mum could definitely fall if it gusts at the wrong moment.

She's 83 (drip feeding, I know), has a bad knee and a bad shoulder and a cold/cough. And a shocking memory, she fell over last week and her gardener had to pick her up and she said on the phone that she "never falls", which is what she says every time she falls, at least 5 that I know of in the last 12 months.

She had been talking about the cleaner's present in November and we agreed that she would probably give her cash, so she's had tons of time to do it herself or even ask me so that I can do it in my own time and don't need to go out on a planned pyjama and quilting day.

I feel your pain although mine doesn't do Christmas presents so it's other admin. Hers is "I need you to".

Right, so she's 83, in poor health and is having memory problems and you think she's just disorganised. Kindly, I suspect it's not just a lack of organisation on her part, but something more fundamental.

She's been to the GP and had whatever the test is that they do for dementia, she passed with flying colours. There is something fundamental, she's fundamentally old and a bit demanding and passive-aggressive. It's a pattern on the female side of my family, organised, helpful, cheerful and self-reliant until old and then it's too much effort to keep it up. All the female line live to their 90s. I'm neither helpful nor cheerful so I'm ahead of schedule at nearly 60, evolution in action (also very unlikely to live to my 90s as I have all the health problems from my Dad's side of the family that has meant they have generally died in their late 70s).

It sounds like she's struggling, but she's too proud to say anything.
I know it's a pain, but this is how it is with elderly relatives I'm afraid.

I think I'd set her up an Amazon account, link her card to it and text her a step by step guide how to use it. What I wouldn't do is go anywhere near a toy shop on the last Saturday before Christmas. I like my sanity intact, thanks.

The correct answer to Are you busy? Is always YES.

Maybe people shouldn't expect gifts from people who can't look after themselves. I doubt the cleaner would be that bothered, would he/she? It's not your responsibility to make it seem like she's organised! Sorry you are burdened with it, though.

Anyway, this is probably a good reminder for all of us to expect less from people who need a lot of support in life! I hope nobody stresses themselves out trying to get Christmas presents for me.

Just give them cash in a card. They'd probably prefer it anyway.

Really? She’s elderly, infirm, with memory loss issues. If you can’t forgive her now, when can you?

Can you nip to the local store and get a few boxes of chocolates?

I'm neither helpful nor cheerful so I'm ahead of schedule at nearly 60

Solidarity!

Can't you order something on Amazon for delivery tomorrow to her house?

Old/retired people forget how busy our lives are and can't understand why we aren't available 24/7. My MIL used to phone up all the distant relatives and tell them how badly she was treated as we hardly ever visited. So, us popping in 6 days a week giving me 1 day to sort my own parents out wasn't enough for her......

Tell her it's too late now, you aren't going to be back in the shops until after Xmas.

Next year, just do cash in an envelope for everyone and make it easy for yourself.

She is not being difficult op, it sounds like she is really struggling!! I’d get the cash and chocolates and would not mind at all in this scenario ( and I’m an organised person too, everything wrapped by November) I use my time to help others usually. If I am well and everything else is done, and I’m feeling fine.

It wasn't too bad in the end. She sounded rough on the phone with the coughing but by the time I got up there she wasn't coughing at all. I think because she phoned me from her bed she was coughing more, then when she was vertical it improved. I'm always more likely to cough when I'm horizontal. I opened the child cap on the cough mixture and left strict instructions for her not to screw it back on.

I went to the nearest cash machine and got cash, and the mini supermarket beside it had Christmas cards so I got some. When I got up to her she had enough cash, and some cards and a couple of boxes of 'reindeer poop' (chocolate covered raisins) that she can give the kids, so panic over.

Even the wind has died down a bit, and I'm going back to my quilting and an audio book that is reaching the exciting bit. (I really recommend the Cornish/Nosey Parker series by Fiona Leitch, easy listening for when you're doing something else at the same time. Especially if you like 'cosy murder' type books.)

My Mum is a bit older than yours. As she's got less confident about getting around, she'll constantly say she's going to do things but ultimately doesn't so it falls on me to sort things out. I'm not a last minute type of person and it just stresses me out when all the planning I've done to ensure I'm done with it all nice and early goes out of the window.

I know it's hard but there are ways of making it easier for yourself next year. I just anticipate that it might need to be done, and ask if she wants me to, for example, pick up a few extra things when I'm shopping myself. I usually have to prompt a bit and give ideas but it does make my life less stressful.

Glad you got sorted. Suggest you make a note on your new calendar for November to sort out a bag of chocolates, cards or whatever she wants in advance.

I absolutely agree that you shouldn't feel obliged to pick up the slack, but if you DO decide to help, town might not be so bad.

I went to our local market town on Wednesday night and Thursday night and it was dead. Literally a handful of shoppers in each shop. Friday night I went to an out of town shopping centre and it was pretty similar (the Tesco Extra was "normal weeknight" busy and by far far far the busiest shop.

So unless your local town is a major one, it might not be as awful as you think if you do end up going.

My Nan used to do this to me...

I'd see her couple of times a week and she wouldn't say a dicky bird til it got past 20th dec, then she'd want cards and presents buying. Not all at once either, she would ask for some things then the next day ask for something else 🤦‍♀️

My mum has done this for the past 3 or 4 years. She's 70, healthy and only stopped working 6 months ago. This week she sent me a message asking me to buy a box of chocolates for my inlaws on her behalf, she had transferred the money. Less than 24 hours later she messaged again at 7am asking me if I'd bought the chocolates yet. Doesn't buy gifts for her grandchildren but its important to keep up appearances with my inlaws apparently.