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Original poster

How often does your partner go out?

38 replies

FairGreyBird · 20/12/2024 22:09

I have been with my partner for 20 years we are in our late 30’s. Married for 10 years and 3 children ranging between 8 -3

my husband has always had a bit of a relationship with alcohol where he doesn’t know when to stop.

recently he has been going out every weekend and sometimes through the week until 5/6am.

he does have a fairly stressful job & I think the drinking on a weekend is ‘his time’

I can’t help but start to feel resentful for a couple of different reasons. Mainly being left alone. Him coming home and the children waking a couple of hours later. Barely having quality family time. He swears he isn’t unhappy in our relationship. I just don’t know how much more I can put up with this. Im starting to feel quite lonely. Any advice please.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/12/2024 22:11

Absolutely not ok.
One night a month late one like that maximum.
Are you sure no affair? If no affair then drugs. Sorry op.

What would happen if you opted out of family life every other weekend? You should tbh.

Don't stay with him just because you've been together a long time there's a whole life ahead for you. And you get used to not having a partner or having a new one soon enough

Nevervisible · 20/12/2024 22:12

Where on earth is he until 5 or 6 am OP? How does he manage to go into work?
This is no life for you and the children.
You would be better as a single parent.

Doggymummar · 20/12/2024 22:13

Never. I wish he would but he is a real homebody.

lespameo · 20/12/2024 22:15

My partner will go out twice a month with his friends and I've no issues with that because I also go out twice a month with friends. The time would be an issue for me. 5/6am... how old is he? That's how I acted when I was in my early 20s without a care in the world (and usually with added stimulants). As a late 30 something, with responsibilities; that's not ok.

Autumndayz77 · 20/12/2024 22:24

Nevervisible · 20/12/2024 22:12

Where on earth is he until 5 or 6 am OP? How does he manage to go into work?
This is no life for you and the children.
You would be better as a single parent.

My ex was out eow till 5-6 then in a vile mood all Sunday, napping on the couch, ignoring the kids etc. He started talking about weekends away and holidays with the ‘lads’ (was late 30’s) and it was one of the big reasons why he is now an ex. And I agree with the above that life was far better as a single parent!

Original poster
FairGreyBird · 20/12/2024 22:24

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/12/2024 22:11

Absolutely not ok.
One night a month late one like that maximum.
Are you sure no affair? If no affair then drugs. Sorry op.

What would happen if you opted out of family life every other weekend? You should tbh.

Don't stay with him just because you've been together a long time there's a whole life ahead for you. And you get used to not having a partner or having a new one soon enough

That’s the part that’s frustrating the checking out of family life. I’m the default parent and it’s expected I will be the one to look after them every weekend.

OP posts:
itsnotalwaysthateasy · 20/12/2024 23:12

I think speaking to him would be a good idea.

Original poster
FairGreyBird · 21/12/2024 00:37

itsnotalwaysthateasy · 20/12/2024 23:12

I think speaking to him would be a good idea.

I more wanted to gage an idea of what is ‘normal’ in a relationship or to see if I am being unreasonable before I approach

OP posts:
ShortyShorts · 21/12/2024 00:41

Doggymummar · 20/12/2024 22:13

Never. I wish he would but he is a real homebody.

Mine's the same.

In 24 years I think he's been out without me less than 5 times, which I find weird.

I'm out at least 2 or 3 times per month with friends or our adult DC.

category12 · 21/12/2024 00:47

Presumably if he's doing this, he's spending the rest of the weekend asleep or hung-over.

Nope.

It's OK if it's occasional but he's basically living like he's single, isn't he? Is he using drugs as well if he's out so long on these nights out, cos that's a lot of stamina for booze alone.

xTheLoudLeaderx · 21/12/2024 00:54

My partner has a certain friend who he has a blow out with pretty much twice a year, and he stays over at his and they go out to back to his pals, drink and reminisce - his pal struggles with his mental health usually on birthdays and Christmas. I get this and even if it happened more often I would still understand. There is no normal. It depends what he’s doing. Staying out on week nights until 5am is a behaviour that’s screaming out something isn’t right. Sounds like he’s escaping reality.
It’s definitely not fair on you. You sound super reasonable though - if he can’t open up to you on why he’s doing this then you have to start asking yourself what you’re prepared to accept morally for yourself. If he won’t talk and there’s definitely no point in trying to change someone - then stop trying to understand him and start with your self discipline and what you will and won’t accept. It’s in your hands x

Original poster
FairGreyBird · 21/12/2024 01:02

xTheLoudLeaderx · 21/12/2024 00:54

My partner has a certain friend who he has a blow out with pretty much twice a year, and he stays over at his and they go out to back to his pals, drink and reminisce - his pal struggles with his mental health usually on birthdays and Christmas. I get this and even if it happened more often I would still understand. There is no normal. It depends what he’s doing. Staying out on week nights until 5am is a behaviour that’s screaming out something isn’t right. Sounds like he’s escaping reality.
It’s definitely not fair on you. You sound super reasonable though - if he can’t open up to you on why he’s doing this then you have to start asking yourself what you’re prepared to accept morally for yourself. If he won’t talk and there’s definitely no point in trying to change someone - then stop trying to understand him and start with your self discipline and what you will and won’t accept. It’s in your hands x

Edited

Thank you for this.

honestly going to have a conversation with him when he gets home from tonight and over the hangover. I say this he is living like he is single.

he does work so hard for us to provide a nice life so I excuse it a lot but I’m at the point where it’s affecting my mental health now. Caring for the children I have no me time.

OP posts:
xTheLoudLeaderx · 21/12/2024 01:15

Ahhh you’re very welcome. When I was in the same situation I used to check the time all night while he was out as it was getting later and later - be worried, angry all sorts. Then when we actually had an open conversation about things and he told me and I listened instead of thinking the worst and before even speaking to him being so pissed off it was just an argument - he actually started coming home !
When he’d been out he was actually “embarrassed” to come home in a state or drunk whatever - because we was having problems, his friend was struggling and everyone was leaning on him, but he actually needed someone to understand him and for him to lean on.
Basically as shit as it is, my advice would be to have the conversation but keep your questions open and be understanding and patient - as unfair and out of order as it is now on you, he actually might just need to talk and not feel like he’s going to get a grilling.

Obviously if he is being a dick it’s a different story but from what you’ve posted it’s sounds similar to my experience and he might just need his best friend - you ! X

unmemorableusername · 21/12/2024 01:19

Sounds like he's warming another woman's bed.

Thevelvelletes · 21/12/2024 01:24

The mid week session till 5 am plus weekends is either another woman or he has a fondness for cocaine when drinking.

xTheLoudLeaderx · 21/12/2024 01:33

hmmm… I always feel like these situations you should say how their actions made you feel and then shut up - let them do the talking and you will always find your answer

FluDog · 21/12/2024 02:14

I grew up through my 20s drinking as often as I could around work. To be fair DP did the same with me.

I wouldn't agree with posts it's another woman or drugs. You'll know better than anyone else but a good drink isn't usually conductive to a good time. It's really easy to get drunk in good company and lose hours.

For me it was after DC came along it got knocked on the head. More because staying out past 2/3am meant I couldn't function for DC and DP as much as anything else.

Drinking until 5/6 is too much for anyone who has anything at all to do the next day.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 21/12/2024 02:19

No it's not normal.

He sounds like he has a serious drinking problem. Boundaries and expectations are needed here.

Thevelvelletes · 21/12/2024 02:42

Op husband is late thirties not 20s big difference.
The difference being he's got responsibilities that he's ignoring for drinking.

Incompleteshock · 21/12/2024 02:48

Neither of us drink so very rarely. DH usually goes out twice a year. This year it’s been 3 because of his stag do and even at that he was home in bed sleeping by 12. He goes out for his work Christmas do and then out with his friends at Christmas which I usually have to coax him into going to. I think it was 2 years ago he went out with his friends and I went out with mine (I was pregnant at the time so literally just went to the pre drinks in a friends house and went home before they actually went out)…and he was home before I was.

junebirthdaygirl · 21/12/2024 05:45

I wouldn't discuss it when he has drink taken. Wait until a sober time.
He is, l fear an alcoholic as drinking that much is very serious. Is he very drunk when he comes home? There are very small children in the house for a father to be coming in so late with a lot of drink taken.
I am married over 30 years and my dh was only out that late once since we married. He likes a drink but gets in usually around 11 or the latest 12 . And thats not every week. Does your dh drink at home during the week?
Does he act like 5 is a normal time to roll in? Did his dad do that?
Remember none of this is your fault or because of his marriage etc. It's totally not on for a man with 3 children and a wife at home.

user1492757084 · 21/12/2024 06:07

Once in a blue moon would my husband want to go out until 5:00 am. As in, never!
We are over twenty-five..been there - done that.
It is not remotely attractive to think of all nighters. What we enjoy most is going out together or with close friends once or twice a month. We love having family or friends over, enjoying movie nights with kids, cosy nights in etc. We are also just too tired to entertain a minimum sleep lifestyle. We also can not afford the money spent on anything but family.

Your DH must have an alcohol dependence or a lover.

With kids you can't be looking out for them properly if you have alcohol in the system or if you are out and M.I.A.

You need to be honest.
Inform DH that you are lonely and that you want to be going out also, once a week, with him. He should be fair and be looking after his own children once a month so that you can have an evening out with friends. It is fair that you both have some down time but mostly you both need to be with your children.
Why have kids if you are going to neglect them?
What is not to love about concentrating on your chosen family?

SnoopysHoose · 21/12/2024 07:24

You say he works hard, how does work fit in with mid week sessions until 5am and drunk/ hungover all weekend?

DaringLion · 21/12/2024 09:12

Where is he till 5/6 am midweek ? Dos he go to work after?

Happyrascalsmummy · 21/12/2024 09:43

Staying out till 5/6am makes me think he's at the casino.