How often does your partner go out?

[FairGreyBird]

I have been with my partner for 20 years we are in our late 30’s. Married for 10 years and 3 children ranging between 8 -3

my husband has always had a bit of a relationship with alcohol where he doesn’t know when to stop.

recently he has been going out every weekend and sometimes through the week until 5/6am.

he does have a fairly stressful job & I think the drinking on a weekend is ‘his time’

I can’t help but start to feel resentful for a couple of different reasons. Mainly being left alone. Him coming home and the children waking a couple of hours later. Barely having quality family time. He swears he isn’t unhappy in our relationship. I just don’t know how much more I can put up with this. Im starting to feel quite lonely. Any advice please.

Where is he going until 5-6am on a week night, this sounds like an affair

Out til 5/6am?

Either with another woman, in a casino, having coke or all three tbh.

What a rubbish dad choosing this lifestyle instead of enjoying quality time with his children.

He can't possibly have much of that if he's out so often and presumably hungover and exhausted the days after.

Is he driving the mornings / day after these nights out?

Mine sometimes goes to the pub with a friend on a Friday evening. He makes sure to get home by 8 as he cooks the dinner. I wouldn't put up with what you are describing. He once got too drunk and didn't come home till midnight. I was furious and he never did it again.

My DH will go out once or twice a month. And he might stay out all night every few months. But he's really respectful with it now.

However, in our younger years we did have arguments as he would say he'll be on the 11pm train (half hour journey) and then not roll home till 6am. So one time I was out I did the same, to show him how it felt and he's never done it again.

You need to talk to him, when he isn't hungover, as something isn't right here.

I don't have an off switch. I'll never have an off switch. My DP kicks off when I drink too much and come back late. It's not worth the hassle of spending the next day apologising whilst being hungover. So I don't bother with it very often at all. I'll have a drink in the house but it's much more controlled.

You do have an off switch then, if you can control it at home.

@whathaveiforgotten I'll buy a certain amount, so once it's gone it's gone. I naturally drink at a slower pace at home. I can't come home late when I'm drinking at home.
She doesn't like me going out. Sometimes I've missed occasions I'd like to have went to. But it's for the best.

When is this man ever home?. Between his job and his nights out he seems to be hardly ever at home. What is the point of him and you actually being married to him given this?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They see all your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to this and they do pick up on all the vibes.

He also has an alcohol problem. Talking to him about that though will be a waste of time.

Maybe you should figure out a way of attending events but not drinking - maybe be the designated driver? It's difficult being the only sober one sometimes, but it can still be fun and stops you missing out.

It sounds like you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. It might be better for you to stop drinking altogether if you only stop when you run out.

Maybe once every 2 months or so. We’re at a stage in life where people are busy with other things and have work and childcare responsibilities, so going out for a few drinks requires a lot of coordination and planning to get anyone free on the same day.

Staying out til 2/3am happens once a year at his Christmas do (he’s the boss so has to stay til the end of the night to pay and make sure everyone is safely sent off home, predictably gets COVID every year after because his immune system is shot from one night awake until middle of the night 😂).

As for the drinking, speaking as someone who is sober but used to drink exactly how your Dh did, the work stress is caused by the drinking, in large part. When I stopped drinking, I could function at work in a way that didn’t leave me completely on my knees and stressed all the time. It’s a vicious cycle.

I'd rather not attend an event than be sober around drunk people.
I do have an unhealthy relationship with Alcohol. I like it and enjoy a good drink. No alcohol is good.

@Honest00lad

Do you see your drinking as the fundamental issue with you having nights out, or your partner's dislike of you drinking?

It's just that the wording "She doesn't like me going out" feels very unfair.

She wouldn't mind you going out if you could control your drinking, by the sounds of it? So the issue isn't her not liking you going out, it's her not liking you going out when you are unable to control how much you drink.

Just flagging as your language makes this a 'her' problem when it sounds like actually you have a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol and she's perfectly reasonable for not wanting to encourage or tolerate that.

@whathaveiforgotten like I said on the previous post, I keep drinking without an off switch, which therefore means I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Realistically I'm not going to start to control it at the age I am. Even if I go out with the best intentions, once I've had a few it goes out the window.

So it's either don't go out, or do it but accept that I'm going to get smashed. It's my problem, not hers. Some women are ok with it, some are similar to me in this respect. But mine isn't so I have to be mindful of it and tend to avoid it.