DH called DS an aggressive little shit

[ShiningSeren]

DS is autistic (non verbal) Tonight he was sat next to DH on the couch and began pinching him I was telling him “no” and pulling his hands off DH. DH snapped at DS and said “get off me you aggressive little shit” Not okay I know for DS to pinch as he can really hurt but I don’t like DH calling him that.

He pinches me and I tell him no, stop now but wouldn’t call him “an aggressive little shit” It makes me so uncomfortable and makes me cringe to hear him called that.

Am I overreacting? Obviously we shouldn’t be pinched and DS hurt my face earlier by clawing it but he was over excited.

You’re not reacting enough. Your husband just swore at your non-verbal, autistic child. Wtaf?! He’s a grown man. Your son, I assume, has difficulty expressing and regulating his emotions. I would be livid. I’d be telling him to leave if he can’t control himself and packing him a bag. What an arsehole. I have an autistic child and yes, it can be trying at times but you never, ever swear at them or call them names.

I know all the perfect people are gonna be like oh that’s really bad but you know what? Sometimes things really hurt and sometimes you say things when you are hurt I’m sure your husband didn’t really mean it but at the time he did lash out he might need help with that.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have a child that doesn’t speak that keeps pinching and grabbing you maybe I don’t know there must be a way around this or try to get help and maybe ask your husband to try to help so he doesn’t get so wound up

Agree with this.

Everyone is human and sometimes it’s very hard to remain dignified and calm in every single situation.

I think what matters now is if your husband is sorry, accepts he needs to watch his language and apologises to your son (and you).

It is difficult I admit, I’ve had my hair pulled out and have big scratches down my arms.

If i had that happen to me i can't say I would not have reacted the same, luckily it was your husband and not another child or stranger and I really don't think the excuse of being overexcited will work in that situation

We all have limits, especially when we’re in pain. You and DH need to re-assess and rework how you handle situations as your son grows older/bigger/stronger.

I’d think DH moving away physically and you starting a distraction might be more useful than saying ‘no’ and trying to grab his hands.

The child has a disability. Obviously Nobody wants to be pinched, so you do what op does - redirect and remind him no. You don't call him a little shit.

Is he your sons dad?

He’s his Dad yes.

Do you expect him to pretend it's ok? For the rest of his life? I am not being difficult I'm being serious. It's not possible.

Is DH his father?

I would be seriously considering my relationship if my DH did this

Obviously not an ideal way to handle the situation.

But no one is perfect and you make mistakes as a parent.

My toddler bit me the other day. I just had to walk away and cry to avoid saying something similar as I was at the end of my tether.

Have you spoken to your husband about it?

This. It was probably said in the heat of the moment.

I agree with this too.

It’s not the right way to respond, of course, but in the heat of the moment when you’re being physically hurt and are fed up none of us behave at our best.

Are there any classes that you and your husband can attend to find better ways to manage challenging behaviours? Speak to your local neurodevelopmental team or go on to social media and search for organisations that might be able to help. Do you get any respite care? It might be worth looking into this as well.

OP how is dad in day-to-day life? Is he good dad and supportive partner? If so just let it go. Having autistic child must be hard and everyone has their limits.
Those who are suggesting leaving him I think it’s a massive overreaction unless he is abusive of course.

This

You've got two threads on your DH being an arse, does he have any redeeming features?

"historical name calling from DH, awful threats of violence , awful accusations about my parenting and even saying he wished I was dead a couple of times"

Him calling your DS an aggressive shit are the least of your worries

Yeah, this. He should probably have removed himself instead, but pincing hurts. If it happens a lot, I would have reacted similar.

Wtf? THAT is your DH? Run away from him as fast as you can.

There are 2 separate issues here.

1. you ds's behaviour us not acceptable and minimising it as him being excited is nit helping anyone. I appreciate that autism makes it different to discipline but I think you are probably underplaying this behaviour

2. your DH should absolutely not have reacted in that way. But in the heat if the moment when you have been hurt for no reason...we all do and say the wrong things. You and dh need to find a better way to manage that initial outburst. Dh needs to apologise to ds and he needs to do better

You don't say how old ds is...that also has an impact I think.

If he's doing this every day then that's not ok. But if he snaps sometimes, it's understandable. There are often issues with parenting SEN kids where behaviour is so consistently triggering it would take a robot to contain themselves.

As I always say on here, if pp aren't living it they just can't understand it and will jump to LTB. You have to really experience this to get it. Your child must be doing things regularly that are meltdowns but are aggressive and incredibly difficult to tolerate each day. I can tell that by the fact your husband used those words.
I know your child is not fully in control and needs alot of patience. Your husband is however human. I don't think his words are bad at all in context to be honest with you.

A child needs to know if they are doing wrong, politely saying don't do that doesn't always get through. Losing it once in a while (not violently obviously) may get the message through. Having a disability isn't a get out of jail free card for bad behaviour.

Oh wait. I didn’t realise you were the poster in the other thread where you say your husband has wished you dead and that you plan to leave him.

You sound like you have a lot on your plate, OP. I’m sorry.

So he kicks and you kick back? However gently? You really think that's a good thing?