DH called DS an aggressive little shit

[ShiningSeren]

DS is autistic (non verbal) Tonight he was sat next to DH on the couch and began pinching him I was telling him “no” and pulling his hands off DH. DH snapped at DS and said “get off me you aggressive little shit” Not okay I know for DS to pinch as he can really hurt but I don’t like DH calling him that.

He pinches me and I tell him no, stop now but wouldn’t call him “an aggressive little shit” It makes me so uncomfortable and makes me cringe to hear him called that.

Am I overreacting? Obviously we shouldn’t be pinched and DS hurt my face earlier by clawing it but he was over excited.

Yes, I do.

Temple Grandin may be autistic but she's ableist as fuck about other autistics who are not as intelligent/capable as she is. This advice is basically if your autistic child physically hurts you, it's ok for you, as the adult and parent, to physically hurt them in return.

No. It's not. That's abuse. And even worse to suggest doing this to a disabled child. And especially not advice that the OP of this post, who clearly has more issues with her DH than this one incident, should be taking.

If it was a one off I'd be saying we all lose our rag occasionally and it may have been pain and surprise/shock that prompted an outburst. But from OP's other posts, this is part of a pattern of behaviour that indicates lots of red flags.

@aurynne also, please don't say things like "I have found with autistic people..." We are no more homogeneous than non-autistics, thank you very much.

I agree too.

I expected some posters to react exactly like this to my opinion on the matter. I stand by my words. It actually works and saves the child (and others they harm) from a lot of pain and rejection in the future.

And yes, I do say "autistic people" in general as we do tend to find empathising with other people's feelings and behaviours harder, and being shown how our actions affect others in the clearest ways possible helps correct bad behaviour way more than repeating "please don't do that" neverendingly. As it's evident in OP's post.

But it's my opinion, not dogma. I don't proclaim I am right with every single autistic person. However, I won't stop giving an opinion here because some people don't like it and considering pinching a child back who has pinched you repeatedly and does not respond to verbal correction "abuse". Said child may well go on to abuse others if they are not effectively prevented from engaging in aggresive behaviour in any way possible.

I think if a child pinched regularly I'd sit a metre apart from them. Your DH could do this. Make it harder for him to pinch his Dad. Also give DS a stress toy to hold on to. Keep his hands busy on that.

@aurynne the whole "autistic people can't empathise" argument has been debunked. It's been used as an excuse for exactly the kind of treatment you describe, and worse. Think electric shocks at the Rotenberg centre. Their argument was pretty much exactly the same as yours. Hurting them physically is the only way they learn.

If you did this as a professional, you'd be sacked, and possibly taken to court. Kids can be restrained for their own or others' safety but they shouldn't be deliberately hurt by adults. The law doesn't agree with literally anything you've said here, there's no defence based on "autistic people can't learn any other way" and it's bloody terrible advice to give to parents or anyone who works with autistic kids.

If you're autistic yourself, sounds like you need some work on that internalised ableism.

Did he apologise to his son? Does he try to work on his responses? We all can make mistakes in a heat of the moment but whether we make it up to our child and repair the relationship matters tremendously for children's development.

And to avoid things escalating in the future you need to act sooner. Your son shouldn't even be seating next you if he's pinching and hurting you.

Oh.

I don't think many would follow your example

considering pinching a child back who has pinched you repeatedly and does not respond to verbal correction "abuse". Said child may well go on to abuse others if they are not effectively prevented from engaging in aggresive behaviour in any way possible

So, your solution is to mirror the undesirable behaviour and somehow think that will teach them not to keep doing it.

Children learn from the behaviour that’s modelled to them. So, all your method is doing is reinforcing that pinching is ok because that’s what you’re modelling to the child. Makes no sense and doesn’t work. All you’re teaching them is that adults pinch too.

Also, in some uk countries, (Scotland) if you pinched a child you would be arrested and charged since punishing a child through physical means is illegal.

All behaviour is communication. Why the child is pinching should be looked at through the lens of the external circumstances. Given that this child’s dad is apparently abusive to his mother, he may be scratching and pinching because he is distressed. His environment might be a major factor in his undesirable behaviours. Change his environment and these behaviours may subside.

Wow. Children who are taught by being kicked or pinched - that's going to end well. It really doesn't matter if you're autistic or not, we all learn from what we see and experience. If someone pinches me when I do something wrong, I might not do it again if it was entirely within my gift to control that behaviour. But I wouldn't trust that person, have firm and safe bonds to that person and my foundations from which to understand and manage my emotions and behaviour would be fucked.

Was this a one off? I know I hate being touched and can snap if someone does that to me, even lightly, especially if I'm already feeling overwhelmed or have had a day of sensory overload (I'm ND). Did he apologise to your son and make it clear it wasn't the child's fault and that he overreacted?

No one is perfect and if it was a one off and his behaviour afterwards was ok, that's what matters.

Thankfully, the vile post that advocated for physical abuse of autistic children has been deleted, as it should be. And should also demonstrate that being autistic doesn't always mean you have any compassion or understanding for other autistic folks.

Bloody hell, you really are a piece of work! I don't know what the issue is with you, but if you think that sitting down a child and explaining: "honey, you cannot pinch people, because this is how it feels" followed by a mild pinch equates physical abuse you need your brain looked into. The only vile person here is you, who seems to relish jumping at other posters you disagree with and throw insults at them.

I know 2 families whose autistic now teenager is physically violent to their parents.They often get punched in the face and are covered in bruises, and soon they won't be strong enough to overcome their child when they become violent. They have no idea what the future entails for them. Their child can't meet anyone, has no friends and won't be accepted in any school. If an idea like the one I offered could have avoided or even softened this horrendous situation, then I consider the risk of being labelled "vile" by characters like you well worth it. After all, it won't be you there to help them if this happens, will you?

Your words are an insult not only to me (I don't care what you think), but also to any poster who has suffered family abuse as a child.

Ah well this is a massive bit of backstory absent from the OP, knowing this context puts things into a different perspective.

It’s not great. But if someone hurts you, even more if repeated, you can say something you don’t mean. He needs a strategy for next time. Assuming this is all he has done i say just move on

It sounds like DH is absolutely at the end of his tether.
Does your family have any support in place for your DC?

What you do depends if DS can be parented out of being violent. I’m no expert but I do know it goes both ways depending on the child’s limitations.

DH reaction fine if he’s sorry.

Hideous truth: DS’ needs don’t outweigh anyone else’s. Hurting others isn’t a need either, although it may be out of someone’s control.