Grown up daughter and her untidiness

[FloweryPoweryLove]

My daughter is 24 and some of her ways are definitely on the spectrum.
She lives with me and my husband who is not her Dad. We have all lived together in a new house we bought for three years.
The issue is that her untidy ways and lack of helping out around the house are making my husband so cross, unsurprisingly.
If she is asked to do something she does it willingly, but never offers. I’ve had multiple conversations with her about this where she always just says ‘ok’ quite happily then carries on as before.
She struggled at school and now works in childcare. She is a kind, lovely, cheerful girl but has always been a little different than her peers (unusual slightly obsessive interests etc). She gets on with her work colleagues but has no friends and doesn’t go out anywhere.
Today my husband has gone to use the hoover. She used it last. The container is full to the brim. The brush roller is jammed because it is so clogged up. He has hit the roof.

I’ve spoken to her. She just sounded a bit bewildered and the usual ‘ok’ sounding sad.

I really don’t know what to do about this. I’ve tried really being cross with her, but she just gets upset and it still doesn’t improve.

Has anybody any advice? A friend suggested putting signs around the house to remind her. Maybe that would help?

I’ve spoken to her. She just sounded a bit bewildered and the usual ‘ok’ sounding sad.

Ok and sounding sad, but carrying on really isn’t helpful going forwards. I’d get everyone in the house together and agree some house rules- like housemates might- which will hopefully mean you’ll all get along. It’s basically being considerate and conscientious to each other. Otherwise she’ll have to move out. Is that what she wants and can she afford it?

No she really can’t afford it. I have tried getting us to all have a discussion about it, but my husband just was too angry and didn’t speak and she just cried.

Maybe another discussion when they are in a better frame of mind.

Does she actually understand what the problem is/what you and your DH want? Like, actually understand?

I'm sure she is capable of explaining back to you how to run a hoover across the floor or load the dishwasher. She may not see the need to do it as frequently as you do, as with many young people.
BUT does she understand how the sharing of house duties equally between the three of you is part of the relationships between you all - that it feeds into your status relative to each other (and her changing adult status), each person's demonstration of care and respect for the others, the impact of it not being done on the others practically and emotionally? (Be prepared for awkward questions if your DH does less than 1/3)
Does she understand that when you want the hoovering done, you actually mean not just that the hoover is run over the area you indicate but possibly over a wider area, spontaneously and regularly without reminders, and that this includes fetching and returning the hoover and leaving it in a condition as found - taking responsibility and initiative for changing the bags etc? If you have never actually explained that then she will not have any expectation that the rules around the hoover have changed from when she was 4 and you told her not to open the hoover or mess with the bag inside.

She’s probably wondering what she’s done wrong…presumably you asked her to hoover. She hoovered. You didn’t say she had to clear and empty it and now you’re giving her earache about not clearing and emptying it…

In my experience she won't get better until she is forced to learn to take responsibility for her own space which means moving out. You could tell her it's time and give her a timeframe (6 months max). She can go into a flat/ house share. Even if she returns later to stay with you for a time, you'll see she understands better what it takes it look after a house.

Can’t your husband empty a vacuum cleaner? Doesn’t he understand that some adults have special needs?

Your husband has hit the roof because the vacuum is full?

What would he do if something serious happened?

I really don’t know what to do about this. I’ve tried really being cross with her, but she just gets upset and it still doesn’t improve.

FFS. This makes me so sad. Do you think you can cure autism by getting cross with someone?

You acknowledge she's possibly on the spectrum - but don't apparently understand that she's probably doing the best she can with tidiness and other things she doesn't understand or finds difficult.

Neither you nor your DH sound like you have much empathy.

I have a family member with these difficulties. No friends too. It helps if they have set chores to do each week and it's on a visible list like a whiteboard. Routine is important.

At least she hoovered.

She didn’t commit the crime of the century.

Next time show her how to empty it without making a mess.

Your DH sounds like an arse.

Your DD on the other hand sounds lovely.

Ok, so she’s a kind, lovely cheerful girl who is able to hold down a job…….therefore she is also able to offer ideas as to how to fix things. As is your DH. Stamping his feet and shouting is a very juvenile way of dealing with issues between adults!

ask each of them for some tangible, practical solutions to this problem

She sounds like my dd, who is 21 and simply does not understand what you want unless you spell it out in clear, understandable bullet points. The idea of trying to change her behaviour by getting cross or hitting the roof makes me want to give your dd a hug - and tell you that there is no more futile approach.

Routines, preferably written down, that she can stick to and completely clear expectations are the way forward. But be prepared for this to take time. My dd knows, eg, to separate towels and bedding from clothes for the wash, but still often fails to do this because she is distracted thinking about something else.

Reminds me of the recent thread about someone’s daughter who couldn’t keep her room smelling pleasant, clean and tidy.

When you live with other people it’s not enough to be a ‘nice person’. You’ve got to pull your weight before people get really really upset about it.

If you live alone, do as you like.

How much does she contribute to the general running if the house- cooking, cleaning etc? Does she have regular jobs to do? Maybe it’s time to sit down and agree jobs first everyone - who’s job it is to hoover, put the bins out, empty the dishwasher etc. Theres three adults in the house now - share the division of labour out.

Your DH hit the roof?

Honestly, your DH sounds like an arse.

Surely her hoovering didn't fill the bag on its own? If it was full to the brim then she can't have been the only adult in the house to ignore it/assume someone else would do it.

Teen DD is autistic, she is the most lovely and helpful person but you have to explicitly ask her to do things. She won't see them for herself. This is not related to intelligence but executive functioning. It does not matter how well she may or may not cope in other areas of life it is not linked, this needs a specific adjustment.

I find What's app a good tool, we have a chat that is just tasks. It works better than telling her as she'd forget and feels like I nag and ofcourse it works two-ways and she can put jobs on there that only I can do. Like signing permission slips.

You need a new system of written tasks and a flowchart of what to do in different scenarios. So, "if hoover doesn't suck do XYZ"

Goblin Tools website is great for breaking down tasks so if you type in "Clean up bedroom" it spits the below out which you can edit. You can then tick them off on screen, or type it up, laminate and hang it up and she can tick off as she goes with a board pen and wipe it clean for next time.

It sounds as if she should be assessed for ADHD /autism.

Ignore that, sorry.

Your H is a pillock. He owes you both an apology.

Omg I could have written this post, apart from living with my partner.
My DD is very similar though she has mild learning difficulties, works in child care and has no friends to go out with.
My DD doesn't think of helping round the house, expects me to do everything round the house and then run her around.
The only thing I can think of is to do a chart with jobs for her to do on a daily basis. Not sure how much notice my DD would take of it though. I'll read this thread with interest.

House rules need putting in place. Have a House meeting

I've just read the full thread.
Please don't ask her to move out. She's still only young in her ways and childcare doesn't pay enough to live on her own.

My DD doesn't realise what needs doing on a daily basis. She will load the dish washer but if I ask her to hoover, she will bit it wouldn't occur to her to empty it or that she will need to hoover again next week.

Some people will need structure. So in her job, she will do certain task at the same time each day, so she knows what's expected of her. If she has a list that she can see, with her jobs on, then she should be able to follow that.

You need to sit down as a family and discuss what tasks she should be doing and when. Your DH needs to be more understanding of her needs.

I came across this video today and I think it perfectly represents myself and my adult DD (autistic and inattentive ADHD)

I actually had a cry because it was very validating to hear someone thinks how I do. I simply cannot build habits well. I might do the thing every day for 3 weeks then the next day I completely forget I had that a routine. I need to use Alexa for important reminders. I have one in very room so as soon as I think of something I need to add to shopping list or to-do list I just tell Alexa right then and there. I could literally forget within seconds. (The to do I set an alarm/remidner for me to either do it or to remind me to write it on my paper list. I can't cancel alarms until I've done it, but I can snooze for X minutes. ) I need a paper list. Not a tiny one hidden away, or on my phone that needs me to remember to open the app multiple times a day (I'll get distracted by notifications). I have a massive noticeboard. I don't necessarily think "oh the vacuum bags full I need to replace it now" But I'm the only parent in the house, and so I'm the one who experiences the disadvantages.

Having a chat and handing the responsibility over to your DD isn't working. Ask her if she has any ideas and how you could support her, at least initially. Think of it as a long term project to help her discover how she will manage her own home in the future, rather than being perfect in the next week!

Body doubling is a great technique for many people. The Organised Mum has a patreon account with guided cleaning sessions which literally talk you through stuff like the after dinner clean up - start by putting dishes by the sink (gives you a minute to do that, and music plays, then tells you to put condiments away etc) It's less than £4pm so not a big outlay if you want to try it out. Every room is covered, and there's chilled sessions, speedy sessions etc.

I think it's where I'd start.

Your husband hit the roof with your daughter because the hoover was full??
Wow

Did you live together before you bought the house together?

Hit the roof over this …. I feel sorry for your DD.