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Original poster

Making Him Block His Exes

31 replies

Looloolo · 20/12/2024 07:36

Brief backstory.

Met a guy on online dating who said he had females friends and I’d have to be cool with that. I was.

Then I found out he met them on dating apps.

Then that he’d slept with them.

Then it became apparent he was jealous of one of them having a boyfriend.

Then another wanted to go away with him and I said fine but he said no because she might try it on.

The one wanted him to run errands.

Anyway. I said to tell them all straight and we’d be good and instead he said he’d blocked them all.

I found it frustrating as a solution but whatever. They were gone and I could forget all about them.

Fast forward six months and we’re living together and everything seems good on the face of it until I spot a mutual friend in a Facebook group and it’s one of these girls.

A quick search and he’s friends with all the girls on Facebook and I can feel the walls crashing down around me.

I ask him about it and he said he blocked on them insta, never uses Facebook to chat etc

He doesn’t like being accused. I’m paranoid etc etc etc etc

I believe he’s not chatting with them but the thought of him checking up on their profile (if he does) upsets me a little.

Mostly though, I’m devastated that he said he blocked them and I just completely accepted it and he didn’t.

Also he seems to be using loopholes to justify it. Am I crazy to think that blocking someone means from your life and not just insta?

Now it’s been a couple of days and he said he’d block them again but also said he wasn’t sure which girls I meant so maybe he missed one.

The question is whether I deliberately check if he’s blocked them all and if he hasn’t do I now insist that he does because that’s what he said he’d do?

OP posts:
Dragonsandcats · 20/12/2024 07:39

I wouldn’t trust him, sounds like he’s turning it all on you - only thought you meant insta, didn’t know which girls you meant etc. I’d move on now.

Xag · 20/12/2024 07:40

You don’t have to be ‘cool’ with anything just because he tells you that you must.

Though he’s right in a weird sort of way. He’s told you what he is - now it’s up to you to decide what you’re going to do. In regard to him as he really is, not fantasy him as you’d like him to be.

You don’t have to stay with someone who makes you unhappy

Bettyboo111 · 20/12/2024 07:48

Looloolo · 20/12/2024 07:36

Brief backstory.

Met a guy on online dating who said he had females friends and I’d have to be cool with that. I was.

Then I found out he met them on dating apps.

Then that he’d slept with them.

Then it became apparent he was jealous of one of them having a boyfriend.

Then another wanted to go away with him and I said fine but he said no because she might try it on.

The one wanted him to run errands.

Anyway. I said to tell them all straight and we’d be good and instead he said he’d blocked them all.

I found it frustrating as a solution but whatever. They were gone and I could forget all about them.

Fast forward six months and we’re living together and everything seems good on the face of it until I spot a mutual friend in a Facebook group and it’s one of these girls.

A quick search and he’s friends with all the girls on Facebook and I can feel the walls crashing down around me.

I ask him about it and he said he blocked on them insta, never uses Facebook to chat etc

He doesn’t like being accused. I’m paranoid etc etc etc etc

I believe he’s not chatting with them but the thought of him checking up on their profile (if he does) upsets me a little.

Mostly though, I’m devastated that he said he blocked them and I just completely accepted it and he didn’t.

Also he seems to be using loopholes to justify it. Am I crazy to think that blocking someone means from your life and not just insta?

Now it’s been a couple of days and he said he’d block them again but also said he wasn’t sure which girls I meant so maybe he missed one.

The question is whether I deliberately check if he’s blocked them all and if he hasn’t do I now insist that he does because that’s what he said he’d do?

DP and I went through this early on as he'd notched up quite a few 'new' friends when he divorced before I met him. The legacy for him and us, some of these women are persistent. Even 7 years later.

Tangelablue · 20/12/2024 07:49

He waved quite a few red flags in your face when you first started chatting.
Why did you move in together so quickly? Did he love bomb you?
I wonder if he really was asked to go on a trip and run errands, or if he was trying to make himself seem very in demand so you would feel amazing to be the person he chose to be with.
He sounds childish and manipulative.
Good luck I doubt its going to be better.

Olika · 20/12/2024 07:57

You sound to have moved together fast which is a shame as you should have used that time getting to know him and figuring out if he has those traits and qualities you want, if he treats you the way you want to be treated, if he is able/willing to be committed, loyal and honest. Now you have a boyfriend you live with who is still keeping the door open to other women and trying to justify it with stupid answers.

rainydaysandrainbows · 20/12/2024 07:59

Unfortunately you can't insist anything in any relationship you can ask but ultimately you jjust have to decide if you accept things as they are or whether it would be best to leave this relationship

GreyCarpet · 20/12/2024 08:05

And another thread where I'm reminded of the recent AIBU thread that debates whether there are always red flags at the beginning of a relationship 🙄

OP, your post is absolutely littered with red flags and yet you have not only continued to date him but moved in with him in under 6 months.

And you're wondering why it's all going tits up.

If you hadn't jumped to moving in so quickly (let me guess, it was his idea?) then you'd have been dating a man for 6 months who turned out to be a bit of a dick and dumped him (or maybe not given you didn't) but now you have the illusion of a partnership and its a little tricker to navigate.

What on earth made you think that was a good idea?

Girlmom35 · 20/12/2024 08:16

How about instead of you having to be worried all the time about what this guy is doing behind your back, you dump him and find someone who's at least a tiny bit trustworthy and not obsessed with every woman he's ever banged.

Neverenoughbooksorcats · 20/12/2024 08:32

None of this is good. You can't ask him to block exes, separately, he seems awful.

You also moved too quickly.

You need to split up and spend some time on your own working on yourself. That way you won't choose men like this bloke in the future and you'll recognise a healthy relationship. This ain't that.

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 20/12/2024 09:26

This is doomed on both sides.
You shouldn't have got with him in the first place.

TwistedWonder · 20/12/2024 09:48

WTF have I just read?

This bloke paraded in front of you in plain sight waving more red flags than a Moscow May Day rally, made up ludicrous reasons why he was messaging every woman he’d shagged, told lies more transparent than a window at every opportunity and rather than ditch the twat you rushed into living with a man you barely know and now wonder why he’s exactly who he showed you he was.

Cone on you know what the answer is - and should have been 6 months ago. Is this the drama you want out of life?

Please tell us there’s no kids involved in this shit show?

TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyArsehole · 20/12/2024 09:50

Do you usually ignore this many red flags ?

StrawberryDream24 · 20/12/2024 10:10

He's lied, twice.

  1. They weren't just friends.
(Not simple, platonic friends. They were relatively recent exes. And their behaviour - on both sides - showered them to not be simple, platonic, true friendships).
  1. He said he'd deleted/blocked them, but hadn't. Now he's using a technicality to get around his lie. Blocked means on all platforms .... Otherwise they aren't blocked/deleted.

His dishonesty (and the possible reasons behind it) are making you unsettled.... Which is 100% understandable.

I'd like to see him in reverse circumstances.

It sounds like you've moved in too fast too.

At "best" I would copy his attitude to relationships; stay in contact with relatively recent exes. Stay in contact with any other guys etc. If he's allowed female friends, you're allowed male friends. Refuse to block or delete any or say you have, but don't do it on all platforms. If he finds out they are on other platforms - say you thought the blocking/deleting only referred to Facebook.

Turn this around ..... He needs/wants those contacts - does he like to have backups? Does he like the attention/validation? Is he a cheating risk? Who knows. But his interactions with those women weren't truly platonic friendships and he's lied about blocking them and is using a ridiculous BS technicality to try to get around that.

He's dishonest and manipulative ..and I'm guessing double standarded; if you had acted or were acting the same as him.

Maybe he'll grow up/wise up/drop his "need" for variety/validation/attention/perhaps feeling like he has options, has a safety net etc. as your relationship gets more settled .... or maybe he won't.

Tbh his pronouncement at the start that he had female friends and you'd have to be ok with that (or walk) at the beginning - when he knew they were exes, and he then displayed non platonic feelings towards them and vice versa. .... Very entitled, arrogant and disengenuous imho.

Maybe if there were genuine platonic friends, and maybe if he'd had an ex who wouldn't let him have friendships with the opposites sex etc. But that wasn't the case. They weren't genuine simple platonic friends. And if any ex didn't want him having friendships with women, I think we can guess why.

For you .....Maybe there are other guys in the world, maybe you should get to know them ...as "friends".
Maybe you should have a roster of male friends in the background. Or maybe you should find someone who doesn't act like him, they do exist.

Bettyboo111 · 20/12/2024 10:23

StrawberryDream24 · 20/12/2024 10:10

He's lied, twice.

  1. They weren't just friends.
(Not simple, platonic friends. They were relatively recent exes. And their behaviour - on both sides - showered them to not be simple, platonic, true friendships).
  1. He said he'd deleted/blocked them, but hadn't. Now he's using a technicality to get around his lie. Blocked means on all platforms .... Otherwise they aren't blocked/deleted.

His dishonesty (and the possible reasons behind it) are making you unsettled.... Which is 100% understandable.

I'd like to see him in reverse circumstances.

It sounds like you've moved in too fast too.

At "best" I would copy his attitude to relationships; stay in contact with relatively recent exes. Stay in contact with any other guys etc. If he's allowed female friends, you're allowed male friends. Refuse to block or delete any or say you have, but don't do it on all platforms. If he finds out they are on other platforms - say you thought the blocking/deleting only referred to Facebook.

Turn this around ..... He needs/wants those contacts - does he like to have backups? Does he like the attention/validation? Is he a cheating risk? Who knows. But his interactions with those women weren't truly platonic friendships and he's lied about blocking them and is using a ridiculous BS technicality to try to get around that.

He's dishonest and manipulative ..and I'm guessing double standarded; if you had acted or were acting the same as him.

Maybe he'll grow up/wise up/drop his "need" for variety/validation/attention/perhaps feeling like he has options, has a safety net etc. as your relationship gets more settled .... or maybe he won't.

Tbh his pronouncement at the start that he had female friends and you'd have to be ok with that (or walk) at the beginning - when he knew they were exes, and he then displayed non platonic feelings towards them and vice versa. .... Very entitled, arrogant and disengenuous imho.

Maybe if there were genuine platonic friends, and maybe if he'd had an ex who wouldn't let him have friendships with the opposites sex etc. But that wasn't the case. They weren't genuine simple platonic friends. And if any ex didn't want him having friendships with women, I think we can guess why.

For you .....Maybe there are other guys in the world, maybe you should get to know them ...as "friends".
Maybe you should have a roster of male friends in the background. Or maybe you should find someone who doesn't act like him, they do exist.

Edited

They might not give the op those flutters. Men like this come at a cost.
They're not Nigel from accounts.😂

mindutopia · 20/12/2024 10:29

I don’t think being friends with exes on social media, on the face of it, is anything to worry about. I’m friends with a good handful of my exes (serious ones, like we lived together for years) and I’ve been happily married to Dh for 16 years. I even went to one ex’s wedding (with Dh!). I’m just a low drama person and I can have healthy boundaried adult friendships with both men and women.

This sounds like a lot of drama very early in a relationship though. I’ve always been friends with my exes and there’s always been no drama. It’s the drama that isn’t healthy here, regardless of which of you is right.

StrawberryDream24 · 20/12/2024 10:29

Bettyboo111 · 20/12/2024 10:23

They might not give the op those flutters. Men like this come at a cost.
They're not Nigel from accounts.😂

Show quote history

I've met quite a few men who've given me the "flutters" (both emotional and "I wanna ride you like a Shetland pony)" who are one woman men.

Who don't bother with friendships with women (or if they do, they are properly platonic .. not women they've shagged and whose interaction with other men makes them annoyed/uncomfortable...or women whom they can't meet without being fairly certain they'll be come onto).

They do exist.

Only incels and MRA's think they don't.

StrawberryDream24 · 20/12/2024 10:29

Bettyboo111 · 20/12/2024 10:23

They might not give the op those flutters. Men like this come at a cost.
They're not Nigel from accounts.😂

Show quote history

I've met quite a few men who've given me the "flutters" (both emotional and "I wanna ride you like a Shetland pony)" who are one woman men.

Who don't bother with friendships with women (or if they do, they are properly platonic .. not women they've shagged and whose interaction with other men makes them annoyed/uncomfortable...or women whom they can't meet without being fairly certain they'll be come onto).

They do exist.

Only incels and MRA's think they don't.

Bettyboo111 · 20/12/2024 10:32

Shetland pony?😂

StrawberryDream24 · 20/12/2024 10:40

Op, on the subject of incels, mra's and "red pillers" ...I'm pretty familiar with red pill views on the opposite sex and relationships; from reading their forums ....and any woman behaving like your bf would be pronounced to be low quality, not relationship material, and suitable only for shagging or keeping in a roster (not committed to) or dumped. They would be disregarded as relationship material on the basis of the behaviour you've described.

Red pillers are ridiculous about many things, but I think ...on this front ... They might actually have it right.

He's not been behaving like a person who is relationship material.

I think there's a chapter of "He's just not that into you", a surprisingly excellent book, that refers to his behaviour and it's called "Too many queens in the castle".
It's considered "get rid of him" behaviour.

InkHeart2024 · 20/12/2024 10:42

Making him block them is pointless. He's not a faithful type. He likes having women around him who want to sleep with him. Why are you living with him 6 months in? Too much.

Applepoop · 20/12/2024 10:53

No need for any further analysis or thinking - this man is no good. Get rid right away.

Anotherfrozenpizzafortea · 20/12/2024 11:19

I'm friends with 3 exes on sm. Some from before I was married (and divorced!).

I'm currently friends with my dp's former FWB! We all have histories op, unless you are significantly concerned about him/insecure/worried he's gonna cheat, you need to take several steps back. You either trust him or you don't.

UmbrellaEllaEllaElla · 20/12/2024 11:22

It would be a red flag for me. You can't move on with a new relationship with a string of exes still on the scene.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 20/12/2024 11:24

"The question is whether I deliberately check if he’s blocked them all and if he hasn’t do I now insist that he does because that’s what he said he’d do?"

No. The question is why the fuck are you with him after all this shit.