Advice and a Rant

[Blinddaisies]

I’m going to try not to ramble and I’m sorry if this doesn’t really make much sense but I just need some advice please.

My partner and I have been together over 5 years, he is slightly older than me and we have a 1yo.

I’m lying in bed, had a bit of a cry and just feel like I need some advice/a vent. I feel like I can’t ever do anything right, my partner is constantly nitpicking at everything I do, putting me down, swearing and shouting and honestly it’s just a horrible environment. I feel I’m constantly walking on eggshells and I overanalyse everything I say incase it gets misinterpreted the wrong way.

He works away a lot of the time so I am left to look after our child, the house and dog which is a task in itself so I’ll admit things aren’t always perfect. I feel like sometimes he overreacts, for example the inside of the cupboard is untidy it becomes a whole ordeal where he blows his lid and doesn’t speak to me for a whole night. I was “fucking pathetic” a few days ago because my phone died, and I “should have charged it at work”, as I’m “supposed to be an adult”!

Honestly I suspect he is depressed and has OCD (obviously I’m not a doctor) but I’ve researched and researched and he has more or less every symptom of depression. No energy, doesn’t want to do anything, no enjoyment etc.

He is so negative about everything and it’s draining me. I’ve tried to talk to him about it to no avail, I tried tonight before bed and just got shut down. I asked “is it me making you miserable”, as it’s gone through my head that maybe I’m the problem and he isn’t struggling mentally and he said no and just said he didn’t want to talk, isn’t going to the doctors and won’t take medication. So I really don’t know what to do. I love him but I’m hurting.

This is not about depression. He is an abuser. You can be depressed and an abuser but depression does not, in and of itself, cause people to be abusive. His character has to be such that he feels entitled to do this to you. Abuse almost always gets worse over time, so please get yourself ready to leave before he gets physical with you. Never mind if you love him or not. Please love yourself enough to know that you deserve better than such a miserable life.

He’s not like this all the time, there are days where I feel like I “get him back” so to say, and then I question whether I’ve been overreacting and everything’s ok. But then I do something that triggers him and we’re back to square 1.

I don’t know how to get him to see how his behaviour is affecting me, I tried to tell him earlier and he wouldn’t even look at me as I sat crying, just totally stonewalled me

He may or not be depressed or have OCD but he's abusing you. His behaviour is appalling.
If I were you I'd be saying sayonara.
What benefit do you gain from being with him. If he loved and respected you and your child he would not speak to you in this derogatory fashion. It's not your responsibility to tread on eggshells in the hope he won't get verbally abusive. Next him he's away with work you should tell him it's over.
Do you share the house, owned or rent? I hope you can get support from friends and family. They will be rooting for you to get this dickhead out of your life. For you and your child's sake, please do not accept it anymore.
Sending my love and strength to you at this difficult time x

Abusive people aren’t abusive all of the time. If they were, we would never get into and stay in relationships with them.

Depression is no excuse to talk to you like he does.

Stop trying to get him to see how he’s affecting you. He already knows and doesn’t really care.

Start looking into how you could separate. Do you share a mortgage or tenancy?

Honestly I think deep down I know this and I’ve only just started to see it as it is. We joint own it, and I am lucky to have great friends and family, whom would be shocked if they knew the truth as I’ve never told any of them anything.

I think I’m just scared at the logistics of splitting up as I have thought about it before - I can live with my parents but would want to get my own place eventually, then I have 20 questions buzzing around in my head - how would I afford it, where would we live, how would I go about arranging sharing our daughter, what’s the norm, how would he be with me as a co-parent and would he try and make things 10X harder?

Thank you for your support xx

@Blinddaisies I'd like to add that my DH is diagnosed with severe depression, OCD, and BPD. As well as severe anxiety. He would never ever dream of treating me that way. I also have several MH disorders.
People can get upset, fail to regulate their emotions etc sometimes. That in itself isn't abusive. But what your partner is doing genuinely is. And there's no excuse whatsoever.
I hope you can seek counselling if you haven't considered it? I wish you well. You can make it without him burdening you. X

You’re right. He was the perfect person when we first met, for about a year and then cracks started to show. I’ve told him loads of times that I hate the way he speaks to me and I get met with sighs, eye rolls, get told I “wind him up”, and that I’m too sensitive, and that I “make him out to be the worst person in the world”.

We have a shared mortgage.

Your post describes the classic cycle of abuse, which is extremely common.
Info here;
https://www.verywellhealth.com/cycle-of-abuse-5210940

If they were vile 100% of the time their victims wouldn't stay, so they operate this way. Their good behaviour gives you hope that things will change, keeping you stuck waiting for that to happen. It never does. You just lose more of yourself incrementally until you are a shadow of the person you were.

He was brought up being spoken to like this, which is why I think he thinks it’s acceptable.

I haven’t considered counselling but it’s maybe something I will look into in the future as I genuinely feel like a shell of who I used to be. I don’t enjoy doing things I used to do, don’t make an effort with myself, my self esteem is at an all time low tbh. Thank you for helping me to see this I really do appreciate it. xx

Wow this is the first time I have seen this and it’s hit the nail bang on the head. I actually cringed reading it because it’s so accurate, I can feel when the tension is building and I do everything to try and prevent it but it always happens, and it’s almost always my fault that I’ve wound him up or done something to cause it.

Sorry I’m still going.. Another thing that makes me scared to leave is that I know he’ll try and turn it around on me, saying he’s spent so much money and works hard on making the house nice. For me to just ruin it (ie. I apparently ruined the carpets and he had to pay for new ones, I also apparently chipped all the skirting boards, got marks on the wall - I’d like to add this one was also helped by small child and dog ha), broke the toilet seat, broke the shower door, I have no respect for anything. He’s the reason we have nice things and I don’t appreciate everything he does. I take too long to put the washing away, don’t wash/iron his clothes properly, don’t cook the right things for tea, food shopping isn’t done properly, don’t walk the dog for long enough. The list goes on

It's always scary to leave, love. But isn't it scarier to stay? Let him say whatever the hell he wants about it. You know the truth. His voice is in your head far too much, which is common in abusive relationships. What matters is you; your feelings, your thoughts, your safety and your identity. You are losing your identity day by day from living with this man. A good book for you; Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.
It should be required reading for all women really. I hope you get out of this terrible situation. Lots of love.

Stop googling why he his a nasty bastard to you and just accept that is what he is.
You deserve peace. He’s destroying your house and your mental well being… take control. If you don’t want to end things at least take some time for yourself to process your thoughts - while you’re doing this he should be repairing the damage he’s caused to your home !!

If you can - try not to think too much about the logistics of leaving, your head’s probably not in the right place. Bottom line is that you’ll make it work but there will be compromises. And from what you’ve said - an amicable agreement might not be on the cards so be ready to lawyer up.
Right now? I think you need some space. Time out at your parents?

You’ve described more verbal abuse from him there.

Start doing research into leaving. Speak with a solicitor about how you sort the house. Speak with Women’s Aid who should be able to help you plan.

Once you’re rid of him you’ll feel so much relief and you’ll be able to see how bad it was.

You’ll be ok. 💐

Thank you. I just feel so stuck, I think it doesn’t help that it’s so close to Christmas too. X

Thank you so much - I will look into Women’s Aid. You’re right, I know it will be hard but I do genuinely think I will be relieved and be able to have peace in the long run x

I used to be with someone like this. He was horrible can't believe I put up with it for so long. Eventually I found someone who treated me 100% better. See the light and get out

You can contact Refuge or your local IDVA or Women's Refuge for advice. They can help you with leaving etc.

No, you’re not stuck, you’ve got options. The hardest time of year to focus on them, you’re right. I really think you need a time out - with a 1 yo, dog and everything else you’ve got going on, you’ve just got no chance to breathe and think. Try to give yourself that? You’re not alone

You’re right thank you. It has definitely helped me having a bit of a hand hold from you all and getting it off my chest a bit. Part of me feels like a failure if I leave, that it’d be turned round into that I’m the bad one ( I know I shouldn’t care what people think). I don’t want my child to have a broken home but I know that separate parents is better than living in a toxic home and I know it will affect her in the long run too if it carries on 😢

He is highly abusive.
Do you want your child to grow up with anxiety and depression because their father abused their mother and had the house walking on eggshells?

Tell your family and friends the truth.
Get out before Christmas.
Go and stay with family.
You are so lucky that they are so supportive.
Have a nice relaxing Christmas and tell them all the truth.
Get legal advice about selling and splitting the house in the new year.

You deserve so much better than this.

I'm so sorry that he has worn you down so much. The best piece of advice I can give you is to tell someone in real life. Someone you really trust. A friend or family member who won't judge and can listen.

You have been protecting the him by keeping things a secret. Totally understandable, I've been there.

But once you start speaking, letting people know, it all becomes very real. You are forcing yourself to now do something about it.

Seen too many posts about DV and EA !

Sorry but as women for some strange reason we try to “understand” why our partners mentally, emotionally or even physically batter us.

We need to change this. Stop trying to analyse where it came from or how it started or what they might be going through.

Stop looking for validation of what is abuse or AIBU ! - We all know what’s right and wrong.

Ask for support, and advice and a hand to hold. BUT if something feels wrong it probably is - REPORT IT ! Don’t seek validation for being abused - mentally, emotionally or physically ! We are here to support. You’re not alone and it’s not your fault !

He's conditioning you so you're more on tenterhooks to get the good him rather than nasty bastard him.
The negatives are to grind you down and put you back in your place so you never know which version of him you get from day to day.
He's an out and out abuser get yourself and child away from him.