Advice and a Rant

[Blinddaisies]

I’m going to try not to ramble and I’m sorry if this doesn’t really make much sense but I just need some advice please.

My partner and I have been together over 5 years, he is slightly older than me and we have a 1yo.

I’m lying in bed, had a bit of a cry and just feel like I need some advice/a vent. I feel like I can’t ever do anything right, my partner is constantly nitpicking at everything I do, putting me down, swearing and shouting and honestly it’s just a horrible environment. I feel I’m constantly walking on eggshells and I overanalyse everything I say incase it gets misinterpreted the wrong way.

He works away a lot of the time so I am left to look after our child, the house and dog which is a task in itself so I’ll admit things aren’t always perfect. I feel like sometimes he overreacts, for example the inside of the cupboard is untidy it becomes a whole ordeal where he blows his lid and doesn’t speak to me for a whole night. I was “fucking pathetic” a few days ago because my phone died, and I “should have charged it at work”, as I’m “supposed to be an adult”!

Honestly I suspect he is depressed and has OCD (obviously I’m not a doctor) but I’ve researched and researched and he has more or less every symptom of depression. No energy, doesn’t want to do anything, no enjoyment etc.

He is so negative about everything and it’s draining me. I’ve tried to talk to him about it to no avail, I tried tonight before bed and just got shut down. I asked “is it me making you miserable”, as it’s gone through my head that maybe I’m the problem and he isn’t struggling mentally and he said no and just said he didn’t want to talk, isn’t going to the doctors and won’t take medication. So I really don’t know what to do. I love him but I’m hurting.

January is the busiest time of year for solicitors, estate agents/rental agencies, womens aid, CAB, Samaritans etc., after Christmas and New Year has been endured, new year new resolve, new beginnings.

Until then, perhaps as suggested you could have your happy Christmas with
your own family, then sort everything out in the NY.

Your relationship has broken down but you haven’t yet reached your point of
no return and still prevaricating. Do some reading as suggested ^^ and listen
to the good advice here, many similar threads on MN in the same vein.

Bringing the reality of your life into the open shines a light on it enabling you
to see it more clearly.

Keep your cards close to your chest with your partner, though, be safe.

If you haven’t already done so, gather paperwork, bank stuff, passport,
mortgage etc together in a folder : if you have any good jewellery hide it
( or wear it), just be canny, be careful as leaving can be a dangerous time.

We are all here to support you, good luck.

Thank you. We’ve had another big argument tonight and he’s openly admitted “I make him speak to me like that”. I feel like I’m going insane. It sounds like we are going to split up and that was actually mentioned and he said he’d want 50/50 of our child which has absolutely terrified me to be honest. I can’t bear the thought of being away from her and I don’t know what to do logistically.

You don't make him do anything!.
The 50/50 is a threat he won't want it when the reality of what it entails dawn's on him.
He's an abuser.

He’s said that I’ll realise what he does for us when I’m living in a council house on my own. Which will apparently be a hovel because I can’t keep anything tidy. I don’t know what to do logistically, am I supposed to move out and go to my Mums? Until I can get something else sorted? I couldn’t afford to live in this house but he could buy me out. I feel sick about it all

what @Thevelvelletes says - if your daughter is still a baby he won’t want her over a weekend, changing nappies, feeding her etc., he is bluffing, knows how to upset you doesn’t he.

You don‘t ‘make him’ do anything, he is an adult, take no notice, get some sleep

I can't advise on your housing situation hopefully someone will be along to advise you on that perhaps women's aid could advise you.
I recognise the abuse situation as I grew up in a DV household and that's why through my own experiences that it leaves its mark.

Nobody “MAKES” anyone speak anyway to another person. It is always a choice. ALWAYS.

He isn’t seeking help. He CHOOSES not to.
He knows this isn’t medical - it’s behavioural. It’s a CHOICE.
You are choosing to believe he is depressed rather than an abusive a-hole with no respect for the mother of his kid. He won’t get better. He doesn’t want to.

You said he was the perfect partner at the beginning. Look up “Love Bombing” - this is where they act like someone else entirely to hook you in. Then they gradually make you question your sanity more and more and more.

Now you have to make some choices for you and your kid. Do you stay and teach your kid that this treatment is okay or do you move on and live happily ever after?

You’re right. He said he doesn’t do anything wrong he just tells the truth and I don’t like it

He 100% love bombed me, the person he was and this person are poles apart. 😢 The scary thing is all everyone ever says is how much of a lovely person he is and nobody would believe he could be like this. I don’t want my child thinking this is normal I want her to have a happy life which is why I need to leave x

There was another thread about what goes on behind closed doors
Apologies don't know how to do a link
Charm personified to the outside world.
Complete opposite indoors.
I saw things no child should see and had violence used against me and I'm not speaking about a tap .
Shine a light on his abuse..it's his shameful secret not yours.

I think you need to toughen up a bit. He’s treating you like this because you let him. He sees a weakness in you. You say that you sit crying a lot, and that’s sad.
And that doesn’t justify his behaviour towards you.
Do you want this relationship to work? It can get better but I don’t think the crying is helping it.
Please show this man you are strong. Even if you have to fake it.
you are feeling insecure and probably a bit paranoid that he will leave. Can you try and get out of this rut you are in with yourself?
Things will become a lot clearer when you are more focused on you instead of walking on eggshells.
If he has been brought up like this then it’s going to be really hard to change him. He won’t change, the change must come within you. If you want this relationship to work.

OP also not everyone is a love bomber. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, have you changed?

Op you don't have to question yourself.
It's abundantly clear you're in an abusive relationship.

The threat of 50/50 is always made by abusive men to control you.

Pack a bag and leave.
Log with 101 that you have been forced to leave your home because of abuse.

Tell family and friends the truth.
Of course some may be shocked but you have been living a lie.

Be clear that you left to keep your daughter safe and to stop her seeing his abuse of you and his rage.

Contact Women's aid and ask for advice and recommendations for solicitors.

One step at a time.

Pack bags, get out.
Go to your parents and tell them the truth.

Everything else can happen after this.

Please please please get out, take your kid and go to your Mum. Tell her everything . You’ll just be ground down otherwise, you’re just not in the right physical or mental space to deal with this. Lots of the practical stuff that’s been suggested by @Browningstown etc is right, but the first thing is just to get out and take that weight and pressure off you.

I think that you have done everything that you can with this man.

It will be doubly worse at Christmas when everyone else is supposedly having a good time.

You can either give him an ultimatum to change or leave you would be better off with your parents.

Op you deserve much better and to be treated with respect.