I feel like this is abuse

[JJ456]

I just don’t know if I’m being dramatic and I don’t want to call it abuse if it isn’t but I hate my relationship at the moment.

A lot of the laundry and cooking and stuff is done by me mainly because I work from home. I don’t mind this as it’s far more practical for me to do a lot of the stuff, but I am getting a lot of criticism for it not being good enough to the point where I feel really down and almost scared of the next time I get something wrong.

So tonight for just one example I was meant to be following a recipe and I forgot an ingredient which I do a lot because I’m trying to cook and work at the same time. Food was totally edible. Partner has a go at me and goes into a huff because ‘all I’m asking is for you to follow a recipe’.

Then asks if I’ve done a wash today before we go away for Christmas. I say I haven’t as the washing we’ve hung has not dried. Partner looks at me with daggers and storms off. Then goes on about how I am useless at the washing, when I was doing it it all got done etc. Then tonight another one about the washing, the basket is too full and going gross cos our baby gets food over clothes a lot. Bear in mind I do a wash nearly every day it’s just hard in winter to get everything dry.

Whenever I mention about not wanting to be treated this way they say ‘I’m allowed to be annoyed, I’m allowed to have feelings’. And it’s like well yes but they’re always negative and always about me.

Am I justified in thinking this behaviour is abusive? It’s constant criticism not just about my behaviours but about me as a person. And there’s no balance - if I defend myself it leads to more criticism and ‘why won’t you let me have feelings’.

Also feel disrespected in other ways. Using tonight as an example I said I want to go to bed early I’m not feeling well. Partner insists we go to bed together and keeps saying ‘just another 5 mins’ til it’s been an hour. They know I’ll be up with the baby in a couple of hours and won’t help.

My mum is also upset with me as we’re only visiting a few days for Christmas as partner doesn’t want to go for too long. She said can I ask if me and baby can stay longer but I’m too scared to do so as the answer would be no and it would trigger an angry tirade.

I just don’t really know when it tips over into bad territory. I’ve made a post recently about how I feel totally trapped financially in this relationship. So I don’t really know what to do.

Your partner sounds really awful, and you are getting more and more stressed about doing the wrong thing. What a nerve to criticise your cooking and laundry while sitting back and letting you do it all. I’m sorry you are going through this. Others who are wiser than me will be along soon but what it seems most likely this will only get worse.

Yes he's abusive. He's treating you like staff, he's constantly criticising you and he's very controlling.

I take it you're not married. The best thing to do is to contact a domestic abuse organisation and have a chat about your relationship. They'll help you clarify things and work out a safety plan.

Until you're ready to leave, don't challenge him if he's going to get aggressive. The best thing to do is grey rock him.

For financial advice you can contact Turn2us and Gingerbread can answer any questions you have on being a single parent.

Rely on family and friends for support and don't get sucked back in because he won't change.

OP sending hugs!

This sounds like a very draining and toxic environment and it could get worse, has your partner always been like this, or has it got worse since having a baby?

It might be worth looking for your local women's aid center https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

There's also refuge phone line 08082000247 free and open 24/7

Anything financial abuse https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-we-do/financial-support-line/

if you're Black, racialised or a specific ethnicity look for help here https://www.imkaan.org.uk/get-help

All of these places can help you get further support and planning an escape strategy.

If you're frighten to ask him something, you're being abused. It's as simple as that.

Definitely abusive, because from your post it is clear you are both controlled by and scared of him.

If you've started walking on eggshells worrying how he will react, then yes this is a relationship that is heading into abusiveness. It will only increase, sadly.

Yes this is abuse. Did it get worse once you had the baby?

Sorry no OP, I'd say its moving towards abusive, having been in a very similar situation, with a baby. He's using the fact your so busy and tired with the baby, it makes you vulnerable. You need out. And your DC will be better off without him. Sounds like you have a bit of time, but make definite plans.

If i were you I would stay at your mum's!! At least your safe once your there, it will only get worse I'm afraid.

Please talk to your mum and your friends about what is happening.. reach out and discuss this with as many people as you can because your partner is doing a number on you. He's trying to make you think you are the unreasonable one.. he is trying to chip away at your confidence. If you actually tell people the things he's doing abd saying, literally no one would back him up. Its abuse plain as day. He's being completely awful. You aren't his maid. You are the mother of his child.
Please please start thinking about how you can get away from him. He will wear you down until there's nothing left. This isn't love.

Yes. Although now I know there are red flags I guess I should’ve seen beforehand. But my mental health was quite bad after baby and it left a lot of room for gaslighting.

I know this sounds ridiculous but I can’t quite get over the idea of losing my house. I worked so hard for it and love it so much! Really wanted daughter to have a stable home we own with a garden. And was so proud that I’d done it!!

Can you not get him kicked out? Or is it just his name on the mortgage?

Oh dear OP, better to get out before it gets worse and feel free again.
One thing struck me:
You mum said to ask if you can stay longer.
You're not a child, asking its parent if it can stay longer at a friend's house.
Most couples would discuss this, not have to get permission.
Was your mum in a similar relationship?

Well my dad’s a total arse. But I never really saw them together so I’m not sure. To be honest she’s probably just used to how things are for me.

truthfully with unlimited money I would be long gone by now. But I make 2k a month and a 1 bed flat is £1000, nursery is £800

What is the hiuse situation yiu would lose rent or own

massive red flags here in terms of not wanting to see your parents

and who insists on a recipe that is a scary level of control

but you do need to get out

Stand up to him, tell him to cook, and do the washing if he can do it better. If you're tired, go to bed, even better LTB

Dear OP,
While you have a baby under 1 or a child under 5, the Benefits system is very supportive, particularly if you rent. There are calculators online like entitledto.com which can give you an idea. He would have to pay Child Maintenance which does not affect Benefits because, sadly, CM can be stopped and started on a whim by the Non Resident Parent NRP. Walking on eggshells scared to stay an extra day with your Mum and baby is no way to live.

Help with childcare fees is a part of UC these days

He's done a classic ramping up once you're feeling trapped and vulnerable by motherhood. This is emotional abuse and controlling behaviour.

You should be able to go to bed when you want and the fact that you're scared to just go to bed because he's demanded you have to go together says it all about how wrong this is.

Me again. My partner has told me they record our conversations without my consent to nitpick at them later and now spurting conspiracy theories about how my whole family has turned against them.

I feel like this is mental illness. I don’t know how to leave and am desperate. Have messaged my friend but it’s Christmas Eve.

Can you go to your mum’s, just you and the baby?

We’re all at my mums at the minute

Is there anyone else there as well as your mum? (I’m kind of hoping there might be a 6’2 brother/dad/uncle on the scene)