Financial mismatch/control in retirement

[Dib33]

DH and I are fortunate enough to be able to take our pensions soon. The trouble is my pension won’t be enough for me to actually retire on (I left my career to look after DCs and worked crappy jobs flexibly around them). DH has told me he will be ‘absolutely fine’ 😖.

We have never shared our finances - or properly discussed them - DH pays what he considers to be a fair amount into a joint account, I make up the shortfall and sort out all the household bills. Money (or lack of it) caused so much stress and resentment when the DCs were young. We are in a much happier place now and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but this issue is bringing up all the old feelings of panic. He just won’t talk about it.

I have a number of health conditions and I don’t think I can physically continue working until state retirement age but his income (which I have no access to) would be presumably be considered too high for me to be eligible for any help? My projected private pension won’t even pay my share of the bills. What a mess.

How has anyone else managed with a financial mismatch in retirement? Or getting a partner to actually talk about money without getting defensive. Thank you.

I’d imagine most people, especially married couples where children have been involved directly impacting one person’s earnings, have entirely shared finances. My husband & I are a long way from retiring but all of our money is family money, there is no mine/his, it’s ours. We both earn, we’re married, we share a life, home and child, everything is “ours” and will be the same in retirement.

The only way to “manage” is to do it this way really, or if he absolutely won’t then you continue to work, or you divorce & access his pension that way. If he’s always been defensive about money I can’t imagine that is going to suddenly change at retirement age unfortunately.

As pp has stated, your opinions are to carry on working or divorce him. If he is unwilling to discuss finances, divorce might be the only option you have to access money you are entitled to.

Have you asked him what his expectations are? Does he plan to retire and watch you keep working until you drop?

He may not have fully though it through. But if you have taken the financial penalty for doing the childcare (presuming they are his kids?) then why wouldn't he expect to level things up in retirement?

If he won't, then you are seriously better off getting divorced, as his pension would be a marital asset in the financial pot to be divided.

Why have you accepted this for so long? I am truly sorry for you. I am against divorce but you are being abused all your life

Out of interest, would you be against divorce if a woman wanted to leave her husband due to domestic violence?

Do you know what he earns? How has he determined this 'fair share'? What has he said when you have told him you are worried about your pension? My DP and I have relatively separate finances although I know his pension arrangements are decent enough and that is all I care about that we can share bills and have enough to do fun stuff together. Will he discuss retirement plans at all? Like does he want to travel, what will he do all day etc? Can that be a way into to saying I can't afford to do that with you? Would it help you to downsize? But basically if he won't discuss it then divorce is your only option and might be your best option anyway. Get your share of finances and date him if you want

I think divorce to access half of everything op.

I am only saying how have we done it. My husband did not think he would give me access to his bank account ( but I know his salary, not a secret - hourly paid) , so he had all the bills on his name. He also fully covered always my needs and very often wants, even a SE hairdressing service which is way about 100 pounds. I have worked on and off and he never knew exactly how much I save. He knows how much I earn - again, hourly paid.

from what I glean now, I saved quite a bit now without him ever wanting to know or ask. He is suffering his initial decision of not letting me have access to his bank account but I am not a person to let him suffer when his paycheck goes too thin. I buy tons of things for the house, clothing for the children and I cannot explain it but we do not leave each other short of anything or ever will.

I know my case is as random as many other ones but money has never been hidden here from me in a way that I cannot know where is it or how much is it. I know everything, which bank what account, which bank mortgage lender is, have been looking at the bills and giving him suggestions

If he goes and the bills have to come to my name, I am aware how this does work.

I would tell him you’re keeping your pension for your personal spending only and he will need to sort all bills from now on. This is financial abuse I’m afraid and if you did divorce he would need to declare his income and split his pension with you.

Thank you all for coming back to me. I honestly don’t want to divorce DH after 30 years. I should have gone when the children were younger! I just want to be able to sort this one aspect of our lives out. Once and for all. He has a real need for control around money. I don’t know how to describe it - it doesn’t come across as abusive (even though it is) - it’s just like we decided to keep our finances separate when we first married and that’s it - never to be changed or discussed ever again. His parents weren’t like this (and would have been devastated if they had known about it). In the last few years I’ve been able to earn more so it hasn’t been such a big issue but now with poor health I’m back to struggling again so I’ve got to resolve it.

Is there such a thing as financial counselling or joint pension planning if I could even get him to go along to it?

Get some advice - womens aid are excellent
He is abusing you. Have you told your friends ?

you have to sit him down....my husband would never leave me to pay for food or bills with just allowance

I have read your post again. You cannot see how abused you always were and are. I cannot even fathom a man to do this to a woman he is married to, well I can, but you are abused. Don't be thinking you were not or are not. You have to take that situation by the horns, tell him the whole reality and him changing or you leave. You just have lived all these years with abusive, controlling, selfish man who did not care to give you enough money for food, bills, kids clothes. Take it serious.

How has anyone else managed with a financial mismatch in retirement?

If I understand correctly, your parenting has come at the cost of your capacity for generating income. I'd genuinely classify his behaviour, just accepting this inequality and not sharing his income, as financial abuse.

The service you are looking for is, in order to access a fair share of the joint assets is yes, divorce. It's horribly the it has come to this, but please don't just rule out divorce. It is your only leverage.

This.
Phone the utilities, etc, and get your name taken off the bills.
Tell him it is all in his name now, and he is paying it all.

Can you manage on the pension if you didn't pay any bills? Chances are you should never have needed to, so he owes you big time. Do you still cook and clean for him ?- if he doesn't do it, he'd have to pay someone to do it if you didn't either. All those years of childcare that you did for free, it's not meant to be free, that's why a man should pay when you are sacrificing your career for it.
What's he going to do about it if you just stop paying for anything? Not a lot he can do, he isn't going to want to divorce you, as then he'd have to give you half over everything - house, savings, pensions, it's all half yours. If he wants you to be doing housework when retired, tell him your hourly rate, and make it well above minimum wage.

Honestly he sounds absolutely awful. He must know that you are worrying. He doesn't care what happens to you financially does he?

Do you have a say in what this fair amount is that he pays in? Do you have any idea what his income is? Do you have any idea what his pension will be on the monthly basis?

How old are you both now?

I know you don't want to divorce him but that's the only way you will be financially okay. Think about that. For as long as you're married you will not be financially okay.

Why are you so scared of being on your own? Do you think an abusive man is better than no man?

Work out how much he needs to transfer you for all the bills and food and tell him to transfer it.

It is abuse if one of the two people in a marriage/long term partnership is financially worse off than the other

So sorry OP what others have said is right.
You're being abused. Presumably you've looked after the household, etc.
You're not STAFF.
You're his wife.
How awful for you. His lack of discussing it is irrelevant.
Whatever is his pension is technically yours anyway. All marital assets, especially of such a long marriage are HALF YOURS.
Sit him down and explain your fears and concerns as regards your health and your finances. Don't accept his silence, it's appalling avoidance. Explain that you want to come to a more equitable arrangement re finances as you're concerned and unhappy with how it's been avoided for so long.

Please also bear in mind, with this financial avoider/manipulator personality type, he may have squirrelled money away over the years that you are unaware of.
You need to do a full financial assessment and get some legal advice also if he doesn't come to the table on what you're requesting.

Don't mention divorce, but it is your leverage so bear it in mind.

If he or you receive an inheritance from a deceased relative, does this money go into the joint account or is it seen as 'my dad wanted me to have this'?
If your children need finances, such as contributions to a car, how does this get financed?
If you're not interested in divorce then you will need to consider selling things you have.
Are you teaching your children to be more financially healthy?

Jesus at this point I would bump him off, assuming you are named in the will.

he sounds like an unpleasant user.

stop talking about money. Gather all of his info in secret and go see a solicitor.

contact women’s aid.

he’s not being fair.

More fool you for accepting this for so long. A marriage is a partnership in my eyes and all things are shared, especially finances, and I say that as the higher earner.