Financial mismatch/control in retirement

[Dib33]

DH and I are fortunate enough to be able to take our pensions soon. The trouble is my pension won’t be enough for me to actually retire on (I left my career to look after DCs and worked crappy jobs flexibly around them). DH has told me he will be ‘absolutely fine’ 😖.

We have never shared our finances - or properly discussed them - DH pays what he considers to be a fair amount into a joint account, I make up the shortfall and sort out all the household bills. Money (or lack of it) caused so much stress and resentment when the DCs were young. We are in a much happier place now and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but this issue is bringing up all the old feelings of panic. He just won’t talk about it.

I have a number of health conditions and I don’t think I can physically continue working until state retirement age but his income (which I have no access to) would be presumably be considered too high for me to be eligible for any help? My projected private pension won’t even pay my share of the bills. What a mess.

How has anyone else managed with a financial mismatch in retirement? Or getting a partner to actually talk about money without getting defensive. Thank you.

Why do you want to stay with someone who has so little respect for you that he's completely unconcerned about ensuring your basic needs can be met in retirement?

Sorry have realised haven’t actually replied to anyone. I am very grateful for all your responses and am taking them on board although they are difficult to read.

We have talked a bit about retirement plans. Some of our children will need ongoing support but I have said I also want to travel. He is not so keen but there are a few places I think we will go to together. He wants to spend time/money on the home and garden (while I want to get away from home!!). I think that’s a really good suggestion to break down the cost of what we would like to do and then say I won’t be able to do it.

He earns a good salary - I know roughly how much and he’s not materialistic - it doesn’t go on fancy cars, holidays or nights out. So probably is being squirrelled away somewhere.

It depends. You haven't said how old you are- just that you can access pensions soon- which may be at 55. Realistically most people cant afford to retire at 55.

And yes I have been a fool and should have addressed this properly many years ago. I did see a solicitor about ten years ago but couldn’t go through with it. Our relationship now is generally really great - much better than it was. Except for the money.

We will be 60 when we take our pensions which I appreciate is early and we are very lucky compared to many. I am not well enough to delay much longer really. I will have another go at discussing this properly over the Christmas break. Thank you again for all the comments and advice.

Hi this is my position too. My DH just says he will pay for everything I know he won't. I'm just carrying on working until I get to 67. Fortunately I have some inheritance which will help but I'd rather not fritter it away on groceries. I just hope I can carry on working and just plan to work part time and then perhaps bank work as I'm a carer. I don't know why he doesn't trust me but if I'd have stayed single I would have been broke anyway!

Suggest having a moneywise pension appointment. It can just cover your own arrangements, but get him to sit in as it will help him understand how difficult it will be for you. They raise, for example, that if an annuity is taken it can be joint lives or single life so he can understand that if he dies first you could be left without any of his pension either.

We have completely separate finances and we are not good at discussing money, but the moneywise appointment was really helpful.

Love his “im alright jack attitude”! Not

Divorce him and youll get half. It will be the only way. He will show ridiculous resentment if you have to start pooling money now and you spending “his” money. Alternatively put up and shut up i guess 🤷🏻‍♀️ id be gone

This

Thank you - I I’ll do that so at least he will understand the discrepancies between us and it will give us a way to talk about it. If that doesn’t work then I know what my choices are.

This is financial abuse please seek advice from woman's aid and a solicitor. I doubt he will change. Unfortunately if you accept your current situation your retirement years look very bleak.

Sorry to hear this AmusedGoose. The issue is if you can’t be independent and need to rely on each other financially. Either one of you could become unwell. When you’re in a relationship you should be a team.

I absolutely hated having to ask for money when the children were small and my wages just weren’t enough. I felt demeaned by it. I’ve worked hard not to have to do that again but now I am back to being vulnerable again due to my health and the choices I (we) made for me to be the main carer. Feel like I’ve been a complete idiot really and I’m scared of what the future holds. Should never have given up my career without having some clear understanding around how the money would work but can’t undo that now.

Anyway, it’s reassuring to know that I would have access to pensions etc if we did divorce and I wouldn’t have to manage on just my bit. Thank you everyone.

I agree that a good first step is a Moneywise or similar appointment with him there to understand how hard it is for you.
I think there are also significant issues of what happens if he dies - has he planned for that, are you named beneficiary?
But under it all, this to me is financial abuse. You took time to bring up children and run a household - which he benefitted from and was able to continue working and earning. To then hide his money and not understand that some of his savings are a result of your sacrifice is awful.

Anyway, it’s reassuring to know that I would have access to pensions etc if we did divorce and I wouldn’t have to manage on just my bit. Thank you everyone.

You really wouldn’t have to just manage on your small pension.

"I just want to be able to sort this one aspect of our lives out."

But money and especially lack of money impacts every single aspect of our lives, otherwise it wouldn't be an issue.

How on earth will you be able to go to a dentist, buy your grandchildren birthday presents, be able to run a car so you can visit your friends?

It's madness.

Yes it's abuse, this is not a marriage.
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It's not great though, is it? Divorce him and carry on with your life without being abused.

Once pensions have been pulled down then pension sharing isnt as simple or as automatic.

This is what I was going to add. It becomes trickier once you’ve/he’s already started taking his pension.

OP you need to have the conversation with him now and you need legal advice ASAP. When he's started drawing his pension it gets much more complicated. You need to sort this as a priority and before you both get to retirement age.

Thanks for all the good advice. I will make some appointments for the new year and get a clearer picture of what’s going on.

That doesn’t sound lucky to me. There’s nothing lucky about being with someone who is financial abusive. In fact, I’d say you’re actively unlucky.

You deserve better.

I'd tell him If it isnt resolved immediately I will speak to the DC about your financial problem.
That, or just divorce him ... quickly before he's drawn his pension.