Trust my DP completely but getting highly irritated by the tart he's chatting to on facebook.....

[tempnamechange]

DP was 'facebooked' by a girl he was at high school with, they went on a couple of 'dates' when they were about 13 (this is over 20 years ago).

DP has told me a few things that she's messaged him about -

she's split up with her boyfriend
she has a couple of other 'options' on the go
she has a tattoo in a private place
she's coming back to our city for a night out and would he like to meet up
if she gets drunk enough she will show him where the tattoo is

!!!

He has made it very clear that he is in a happy relationship (of nearly 10 years!) and I trust him completely when he says he would never cheat on me BUT he is being his usual oblivious self and thinks she's just being friendly and it's nice to be back in touch and chat about stuff, etc, etc, but my slaaaaaag radar is going off like mad.

He showed me one message he had sent (re the tattoo) saying that he didn't think discussing her private tattoo was appropriate because he had a girlfriend, she replied that she didn't see what was wrong with it, but didn't want to get him into trouble (trouble???? what am I, his mother???)

I don't want to start demanding that he cut contact, because I'm not the type to bark orders at my man, but she's starting to really irritate me.

Last night he was laughing at the computer and when I asked what at he showed me a message she'd sent him that was the lyrics to a song, with bits like 'i'm single and carefree, you've had death by marriage', 'let me know if you're happy and I'll walk away', etc.

He rarely sees underlying things unless you point them out to him very specifically, and just thinks she's being friendly.

Am I right to just do nothing about this? I feel like sending her a message with reference to man-stealing, dignity and sluttiness but have so far restrained myself!

PortandLemon, are u in a relationship? If so, would you except this behaviour in your realtionship?

She sounds delightful. I love the subtlety of those lyrics. I would do nothing. Except for perhaps occasionally enquiring after that poor mucked up girl, clearly desperate for a man, any man.

haven't read the whole thread so sorry for any repeats.

I have quite a few exes on my FB friends. DW quite likes it cos she can see what they look like and feel like a princess compared to them.

My FB pages is littered with pics of me and DW and LO, no doubt to anyone that we are a unit.

I have never once felt any of these exes has sent me any message which could be remotely misconstrued. If anything, they are respecting fully the boundary of me being married.

If for any reason any of them over stepped, I would make this known to them and, failing a good response, would just kick them off my list.

I'd always fight to keep good female friends (not that DW is the type to get wound up by my girl friends) but you need to know which battles to fight, and keeping an ex on my FB list is not battle I would want to fight.

Bottom line, if she has overstepped the mark, she's gotta go!!

You can keep a low and vigilant profile but DH would need to address this issue carefully as soon as he knows you are uncomfortable about the nature of their exchanges.

Avoid all the Macchiavelian ploys suggested here - up front and honest is, for me, best way to go...

Good luck

a daddymumsnetter, written on the hoof while getting off a train!!

Depends what you mean by "this behaviour". I would expect DH to tell someone that he was in a happy relationship and didn't want to see their exotic tattoos, yes (as tempnamechange's DP has done). I wouldn't particularly expect him to assume that the woman was throwing herself at him, either, as he's always been a bit oblivious to that (even when single and having other single women attempting to chat him up unless they were INCREDIBLY obvious about it; it was a standing joke with his friends that DH could not tell when he was being chatted up), so I'd expect him to be as clueless as as tempnamechange's DP seems to be. I would expect him to be open with me about the kinds of messages he was getting, as tempnamechange's DP has done. And I'd get more satisfaction from the idea of her wasting her time trying to subtly work feminine wiles on an oblivious DH than from anyone losing dignity and calling anyone else a freak or a slag or a slapper (or a 'woman', although I don't understand what the inverted commas are doing there; is there some doubt over whether this individual is actually a woman?). I know that if she overstepped the mark (into that INCREDIBLY obvious territory) he'd tell her where to go, so she may as well waste her energy in the meantime.

PortAndLemon, i will tell you the exact reason for your following question, although maybe i should of used the word 'lady' instead of woman

(or a 'woman', although I don't understand what the inverted commas are doing there; is there some doubt over whether this individual is actually a woman?).

Any self respecting woman would not be shamelessly pursuing someone elses DH and telling him about kinky tattoo's she has, and as for that song thing shes sent well... i think the appropriate term for her would not be a 'woman' but a dirty home wrecking slapper

why spend energy on what to do to her, what to tell her, when obviously he is the one that you need to talk to? also, i dont believe on people not having experience with women/men, being naive... i think her words are quite straight forward.

it sounds to me you are defending him lots, and focusing on how to stop her when you really should be focusing on your relationship and whats bothering you.

I think I would;
a.)Set up my own Facebook page (if I didn't have one already)
b.)Send 'OW' a Friend Request
Thus, putting her on the spot while remaining sophisticated and aloof (if that's how you spell it!)

• If she asks who you are, you can tell her clearly that you are DH's wife,
• If she asks why you want to be her friend, you can reply (cheesily) 'Any friend of DH's is a friend of mine, can't wait for our ('OW' and your)night out together, but unfortunately DH will have to stay at home to babysit'
• If she rejects your friend request, you can ask why.

I know you don't really want to be her friend (understatement!), but this is putting the ball in her court to see how she'll react, at the same time, gently asserting that you are DH's wife and you know who his friends are. Also, being friends with them both will give you lots more info about what they are doing, when you first log in there is an update / home page which tells you who has been mailing who etc.

x

Oh I love it when you post a whinge on MN and get all sorts of 'there must be some underlying issues in your relationship' posts

I'm not going to do anything, I know I don't really need to do anything but that little bit of me would really really love to tell her what I think of her. But I'm not going to waste my energy.

Yes, I'm sticking up for him, he is my partner and I love him, despite what some of the anti-men MNers might want to think about our relationship. His only crime in IMO is being too dopey for his own good sometimes.

Thankyou for those of you who have given straight answers and not tried to psycho-analyse me

Man-hating?
How offensive to those who took time to reply to you.

Oh FGS I didn't say you were all man haters

definitely no man-hate here, i love my dh.

perhaps i came across raw, but what im saying is that i think its a waste of time this dancing around the other woman, when the problem is how you feel about him carrying on with this friendship. isnt it easier just to talk to him?

Postingforawhilenow... You speak so much sense.

We have talked about it. He knows how I feel and what I think.

I appreciate that people have taken the time to reply, but that doesn't mean I have to agree with every comment, especially when some people have got the wrong end of the stick.

Obviously it's hard to know what my DP is like when you only have snippets here from me, but I resent the fact that I'm written off as some kind of subservient wife and we must have relationships issues if I don't make him cut contact.

going back to your original post...

"Am I right to just do nothing about this? I feel like sending her a message with reference to man-stealing, dignity and sluttiness but have so far restrained myself!"

i think to stay quiet is the best option, since im with the ones here that find it a waste of time to plot something against his friend.

it sounds to me that will be a painful silent to you, thats why i thought talking to him again might be a good idea.

silence, i meant

Raspberry has a point. I'd make contact and if she refuses you have a perfect excuse to tell H she's clearly after him (why else would she refuse your friendship)? As a reason for contacting her you could say what raspberry said and add you wanted to see her tattoo, too, and prove, that you're not dead just because you're married. Another option would be to come along for drinks either pre-arranged or just drop by without her knowing after 20mins or so of them meeting. That will put her on the spot and come as a huge surprise. No doubt she'll be rocking the cheapest, shortest kit.

Ask your H is he minded you getting in touch with exes and saying the things she wrote. I doubt he'll be pleased.

Posting anything on Mnet that is personal holds the risk that you'll get replies that don't seem appropriate to your actual question. Its frustrating and sometimes galling, but thats the nature of it I'm afraid.

It sounds like if you trust him completely and its out in the open then really there is no issue at all.

Maybe the answer is simply to rise above it, do nothing, continue to trust him and know that the situation will pass.

This woman on facebook is possibly quite lonely and looking simply for some kind of affirmation. If she's not getting it she'll move on soon enough.

completely agree with Dittany,no man is that naive!