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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trust my DP completely but getting highly irritated by the tart he's chatting to on facebook.....

68 replies

tempnamechange · 01/05/2008 13:44

DP was 'facebooked' by a girl he was at high school with, they went on a couple of 'dates' when they were about 13 (this is over 20 years ago).

DP has told me a few things that she's messaged him about -

she's split up with her boyfriend
she has a couple of other 'options' on the go
she has a tattoo in a private place
she's coming back to our city for a night out and would he like to meet up
if she gets drunk enough she will show him where the tattoo is

!!!

He has made it very clear that he is in a happy relationship (of nearly 10 years!) and I trust him completely when he says he would never cheat on me BUT he is being his usual oblivious self and thinks she's just being friendly and it's nice to be back in touch and chat about stuff, etc, etc, but my slaaaaaag radar is going off like mad.

He showed me one message he had sent (re the tattoo) saying that he didn't think discussing her private tattoo was appropriate because he had a girlfriend, she replied that she didn't see what was wrong with it, but didn't want to get him into trouble (trouble???? what am I, his mother???)

I don't want to start demanding that he cut contact, because I'm not the type to bark orders at my man, but she's starting to really irritate me.

Last night he was laughing at the computer and when I asked what at he showed me a message she'd sent him that was the lyrics to a song, with bits like 'i'm single and carefree, you've had death by marriage', 'let me know if you're happy and I'll walk away', etc.

He rarely sees underlying things unless you point them out to him very specifically, and just thinks she's being friendly.

Am I right to just do nothing about this? I feel like sending her a message with reference to man-stealing, dignity and sluttiness but have so far restrained myself!

OP posts:

Original poster

tempnamechange · 01/05/2008 16:16

I remembered which song it was, these are the lyrics (nothing else on the message she sent, just this)

Wham
Young Guns (go For It)
Hey sucker
(What the hell's got into you?)
Hey sucker
(Now there's nothing you can do)

Well I hadn't seen your face around town awhile,
So I greeted you, with a knowing smile,
When I saw that girl upon your arm,
I knew she won your heart with a fatal charm.
I said "Soul Boy, let's hit the town!"
I said "Soul Boy, what's with the frown?"
But in return, all you could say was
"Hi George, meet my fiancee"

Young Guns,
Having some fun
Crazy ladies keep 'em on the run.
Wise guys realize there's danger in emotional ties.
See me, single and free
No tears, no fears, what I want to be.
One, two, take a look at you
Death by matrimony!

Hey sucker,
(What the hell's got into you?)
Hey sucker!
(Now there's nothing you can do.)

A married man? you're out of your head
Sleepless nights, on an H.P. bed
A daddy by the time you're twenty-one
If your happy with a nappy then you're in for fun.
But you're here-
And you're there
Well there's guys like you just everywhere
Looking back on the good old days?
Well this young gun says CAUTION PAYS!

I remember when he such fun and everthing was fine,
I remember when we use to have a good time,
Partners in crime.
Tell me that's all in the past and I will gladly walk away,
Tell me that you're happy now,
Turning my back-
Nothing to say!

"Hey tell this jerk to take a hike,
There's somethin' 'bout that boy I don't like"
"Well sugar he don't mean the things he said"
"Just get him outta my way, 'cause I'm seeing red
We got plans to make, we got things to buy
And you're wasting time on some creepy guy"
"Hey shut up chick, that's a friend of mine,
Just watch your mouth babe, you're out of line"

OoooooH!

GET BACK
HANDS OFF
GO FOR IT!

OP posts:

margoandjerry · 01/05/2008 16:17

sorry but agree with dittany. Why isn't he reaching for the off button?

Original poster

tempnamechange · 01/05/2008 16:20

I have pondered asking him to show me their messages to each other, so I can maybe point out to him exactly how his responses look to her.

He is a dumbwit when it comes to stuff like this.

On the other hand I have just recalled a time when a work colleague tried to snog me at a Xmas party and I told DP and he was not pleased, I think his words were 'well the guy knows you've got a boyfriend, what the hell does he think he's doing?'.

Hmmmm, I might just remind him of that conversation.

OP posts:

Original poster

tempnamechange · 01/05/2008 16:31

I don't believe he's being an arsehole, he just doesn't think about the bigger picture.

OP posts:

JeremyVile · 01/05/2008 16:34

He is not being oblivious.
Why did he see fit to show you the message with the lyrics? Whilst claiming just to find it amusing.
For whatever reason, he wants you to get wound up about this.

Original poster

tempnamechange · 01/05/2008 16:36

He doesn't want to wind me up. Really, he's not like that.

He laughed out loud at the computer and when I asked what he was laughing at he showed me. He thinks the lyrics are in reference to her being happy to be single

OP posts:

loopylou6 · 01/05/2008 16:37

Ima sorry, but if thatw as my DH i would chop his bollox off, he ahs absolutely no right to be having these conversations with this 'woman' If iw as you i would tell him to back off and remove her from his face book or else, u will not be 'barking orders at your man' both of their behaviour is disgraceful IMHO

loopylou6 · 01/05/2008 16:38

And i will completely agree with jeremy vile, he knows exactly what hes doing, hes playing at being dim and trying to wind u up about it, letting you know that some other woman want s him

mazzystar · 01/05/2008 16:40

I'm sorry but he must be getting a thrill out of this somehow - either the idea that someone fancies him; the idea that you are jealous; whatever....

It's inappropriate and he needs to knock it on the head.

Original poster

tempnamechange · 01/05/2008 16:44

No no no, you've got it all wrong.

He is telling her that he's not interested but I think because he's trying to do it nicely she is persisting with the flirting. Because she hasn't been specific he just thinks it's harmless flirting.

He is very inexperienced with women and he does understand what I'm saying about this woman but he never works these things out for himself.

He is not pretending or playing any games, he does not work like that.

OP posts:

DoubleBluff · 01/05/2008 16:44

Can't you break into his face book account and email her pretending to be him, telling her to get lost?

JeremyVile · 01/05/2008 16:46

Well, if he genuinely wants her to know he's not interested but she is not taking the hint, then he will just have to be clearer.

loopylou6 · 01/05/2008 16:47

Well if thats the case he'd have no trouble with deleting her from his face book will he? although from what you've told us i cant imagine any man, no matter how inexperianced with women would not see what she was doing. Tell him to delete the slapper.

mazzystar · 01/05/2008 16:48

In a situation like this any response is going to be taken as encouragement.

PortAndLemon · 01/05/2008 16:48

It does rather appear that on MN if a husband shows his wife messages like this it's a case of "Why is he showing you? He must want you to get wound up by this...", whereas if he doesn't show her it's a case of "Why isn't he showing you? He must have something to hide..."

Not sure what he's supposed to do, TBH. And I don't really get what the posters who say that his behaviour is "disgraceful". The messages that tempnamechange mentions his sending have been "back off" messages about being in a happy relationship and not wanting to see her tattoo, thank you very much.

For what it's worth, tempnamechange, I think you are doing exactly the right thing by maintaining a dignified silence. You know your DH isn't about to get ravished by this woman, and left alone the chances are that she'll either lose interest or overstep the mark and he'll realise what's going on.

But... y'know... maybe one picture of you looking unfeasibly gorgeous added to his Facebook profile

Original poster

tempnamechange · 01/05/2008 16:49

No, I don't want to make it sneaky, besides she would probably reply and he see it and know what I'd done.

He does not know how to deal with this and is a complete confrontation-avoider (but makes things worse in the process!)

I don't want to veto all contact because if he is flattered by it he may become much more so if it's 'forbidden' (and she might too), and I refuse to fulfil the stereotype of dull controlling girlfriend.

OP posts:

Original poster

tempnamechange · 01/05/2008 16:51

sorry, that was in response to doublebluff

OP posts:

JeremyVile · 01/05/2008 16:53

Look, either put up with it (you trust him completely after all) or he has to be more frank with her.
He may be a confrontation avoider, but I'm assuming he doesn't want you being upset?

Original poster

tempnamechange · 01/05/2008 16:57

Yes, he does need to be more frank with her, but I wonder if he should he just tail it off, as mazzystar says any response does seem to encourage her.

OP posts:

JeremyVile · 01/05/2008 16:59

I don't think 'leave me alone you desperate stalker, I am a happily married man - I wouldn't touch you with someone else's...' would encourage her.

Original poster

tempnamechange · 01/05/2008 17:00

LOL

OP posts:

lilQuidditchKel · 01/05/2008 17:06

what a desperate stupid woman (the facebook tart, that is!)

you have more stamina than me, when I experienced a similar attack attempt by pathetic woman from DH's past. i got her on the phone and told DH to say "i'm sorry but i'd appreciate it if you would leave us alone, this sort of thing is inappropriate" Hideously dominant of me, I know, and she didn't like it much either, but I really didn't give a sHt - it was our marriage she was ruining, and my* happiness, not her, I cared about!

3 years later she's married, a stone heavier (), and a distant facebook friend of DH.

kitsmummy · 01/05/2008 17:07

I'd tell your hubby that she quite clearly is a slag who is up for a bit of home-wrecking and that you'd prefer if he cut all contact with her. After all, he has missed her friendship all these years? Nope, then there's no need to spark it up again.

dittany · 01/05/2008 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

C2ndbaby · 01/05/2008 17:12

tnc, when I met my now husband he had a admirer back home that no matter how many times he told her that he wasn't interested she just did not give up. In any way one afternoon after about 20 messages from her none answered by the way I asked him nicely if he would mind if i sent her a message from his mobile. I was not mean in the message just said that he is in a relationship and loving it and if she can please stop messaging him. I showed him the message before I sent it. Haven't heard from her since!

Try that approach. Ask him if he would mind you sending her a facebook message that you will allow him te read before sending.

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