DH is so unpleasant to be around

[stoppingthroughsupermarkets]

DH has always been a bit lazy but at one point it was actually quite a nice quality in some ways as with it came a fairly chilled out, easygoing sort of personality that was nice to be around.

We now have two children, a four year old and an eighteen month old. I feel that after having our first, Dhs life went back to normal quite fast: he was sleeping, working and doing much as he always did. I initially went back to work full time and did so when DS was about ten months. It was a lot for us both so after a year I went down to three days a week, a year later DD was born and then in the summer I went back to three days a week.

I feel like since I’ve been back at work things at home have been slowly disintegrating to the point where while I don’t want to end the marriage I’m starting to wonder if it’s the only option.

We have got financial pressure on us and DH isn’t coping well with this. He blames me - he insists he doesn’t if challenged directly but his side comments if you like say otherwise. I sometimes feel I’m living in a Shakespeare play where he says one thing to me and then another as an ‘aside.’

He is often (not always) short, sarcastic, and generally unpleasant. We don’t talk, or if we do it is purely functional (have you seen DS’s wellies, could you please move your car so I can get mine out) sort of thing. I know the advice will overwhelmingly be to talk to him and you really, really can’t. I’ve tried and he just twists things around so it becomes my fault and I end up feeling really upset. I’m not great with a tense atmosphere generally so I end up trying to diffuse the situation as I can see he’s getting annoyed and that’s no good at all.

On practical grounds I’m not going to be able to end things for years, so I don’t really know what I’m asking. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to, last time I mentioned in passing to some friends we weren’t in a great place and got so overwhelmed with advice I wish I hadn’t said anything and so I’m reluctant to mention it again! It’s such a contrast to last year when I felt really happy and optimistic about the new year.

You have to communicate.

Speak to him. Tell him you’re at breaking point and either things will change or your marriage will not survive.
Also tell him in uncertain terms that you don’t want him to speak to you in PA or sarcastic way unless he wants to drive a wedge between you.

Write things down if that’s going to help you.

Having young kids puts enormous pressure on relationship. He managed to keep his life as it was, your one evolved to accommodate kids and HIM.

You dropped the days,presumably your income has dropped as well?
What about housekeeping,chores,looking after kids,sleeping and downtime?

Advice from the others is great as it shows you the avenues you haven’t considered but you don’t have to take it 🙂
True friends don’t mind offloading and helping to find a solution.

You have a short tempered lazy man-child.

You have two options really. Work on communication (with therapy if necessary) or leave.

You can manage on your own. Women the world over do it in worse circumstances all the time. No way should you have to put up with him for years while you wait to leave if that's what you want to do. Just leave.

I’ve no doubt I could manage but I do have to think of my children as well. It’s pointless swapping one bad situation for another that’s just as bad but in different ways. You’ll have to trust me on this one- we absolutely cannot talk about any problems, it just isn’t happening.

If you can't talk, you don't have a relationship.

Probably go back to work full time and get into position to split up.

Short term pain, long term gain!

you absolutely can leave and you will be fine. Better than the alternative of letting a sulking man baby ruin everything!

Have you tried repeating his side comments back to him as soon as he says them and just adding if that's what you think, what would you like us to do/change?

I know you said that he doesn't want to sit and have a conversation but what about responding to each individual comment in the moment ?

But, if you really can't have any form of conversation and you really believe you can't leave then your only option is to teach yourself to not care what he says and build a separate life for yourself within your 'marriage' until either he dies, you do or one of you decides to leave.

Sometimes all our options are shitty ones and it's nothing more than a case of pick your least awful pile of shit.

You'll be modelling an absolutely awful relationship for your children. Think about what that really means before you stay for their sakes.

As far as advice, well there isn't any to give you I'm afraid. I'm sorry you're in this situation. 💐

But whatever advice people give you, you don't want to take it?

Look he's not going to change. You can either tell him straight that it isn't working and suggest separation, or quietly start planning to leave at some point. But think hard about what is being role modelled to the kids.

You think you can't do it yourself but you can. I did when my kids were toddlers, still in nursery candy somehow I got through it whilst still working part time in an office.

It's either that or be miserable and stuck with him

Well, the solution to money problems could be you going back to to work full time. So if he is blaming your money pressures on you being part time, then you can turn that right back at his door for not pulling his weight at home. So tell him straight, for you to work full time, he has to pull his weight - equal pick-ups/drop offs, equal cleaning and cooking etc. Tell him he didn't do that before, so you had to cut your hours, but if he is willing to equally pitch in now, that can be changed.
Apart from that, you say your communication is just about practical kid stuff or trying to discuss problems, but there's a whole lot of in between chat that usually goes on to keep people connected. Chat such as people you have met, nights out you have done or have planned - if you don't do date nights, that should be remedied. You need to be doing joint activities and separate ones too to have things to talk about.

Marriage counselling or LTB.

If he refuses to engage with any kind of mediation or counselling then I'm sorry, you might as well go it alone.

This. Parents who can't communicate and don't speak to each other apart from on a functional level. They will pick up on this and it will only get worse as they get older.

If there really is no talking to him you need to leave.

There is no other solution.

This.

The typical advice is to keep trying to communicate, but there are absolutely situations where one person in a relationship will consistently block all communication. This is a sign of coercive control, as if one person controls the conversations they effectively control the relationship.

The trouble with staying in this marriage is that it will start to have an impact on your well-being, as it is incredibly dehumanising to be disregarded and devalued by the person who is meant to be supporting and loving you.

You'll need to leave and it would be better to make your plan and start to put it in place while you still have your energy and strength.

This is entirely due to the choices your husband is making to treat you with such profound disrespect, but you can make the brave decision to get yourself and your children to safety, as research shows coercive control of used on a spouse will also be directed towards children.

I don't think he is behaving well at all but could you try to resolve the financial situation. Is there anything you could change here? Did you both agree you would go part time? Would finances actually improve if you were full time given all the extra nursery costs? Could you downsize? Is it a recent change as you said things were ok last year?

I have recently left a man like this…worse in fact. Now I can’t afford to heat my home… I spend a lot of time wondering if I should have stayed ( at least until the children were a bit older ) and just lived a parallel life with him rather than being hurt by his behaviour and saying to myself I deserve more….

Thanks for replies.

We have separate finances (I know it isn’t what is generally said should happen on here but it’s just how we do things) so going full time wouldn’t make any real difference. He was happy and in fact prefers me being part time as it is better for the children. But I do feel like I’m treated like a SAHM at home and a full timer at work and there isn’t any real answer to this problem.

Im trying really hard to sort things on my part so that I don’t have to rely on him at all for money, can just pay for what I need and what the children need and leave him out of it. Which I get isn’t how it should be but any other way leads to arguments.

I get that I haven’t painted him in a good light but he isn’t abusive or horrible. If you’d known him five years ago you’d agree. But he is both lazy and selfish.

I get that I haven’t painted him in a good light but he isn’t abusive or horrible. If you’d known him five years ago you’d agree. But he is both lazy and selfish.

He sounds both abusive and horrible. It doesn’t matter that he wasn’t five years ago; he is now. And lazy and selfish.

Your oldest child is 4.
It is no coincidence that your husband began to change 5 years ago. Around the time you got pregnant.

That is probably the most common time for them to start. When they feel they have trapped you.

Why can't you separate for years? It will be much better for your kids if you can do it while they are young.

Then you need to think about divorce. What is the point of choosing this?

Would he agree to a joint account to help support his children? Like a fund if they need clothes, shoes etc. can you get a babysitter/ family to help and go out To a pub and just be alone together once a fortnight and start dating each other again? That works for me/ us ..

Resentment will eventually eat you up in side. I'd divorce, it won't necessarily be a swap from one bad situation to another. ..

If you can’t talk to him, and you refuse to leave him, I’m not sure what advice anyone can give you.

Lazy and selfish so not a great role model for the children.

You will not reach your full potential in life with a man like that dragging you down.

Make plans to leave. Maybe not now but in the future.

Try counselling for now.

Communication is the key.