DH is so unpleasant to be around

[stoppingthroughsupermarkets]

DH has always been a bit lazy but at one point it was actually quite a nice quality in some ways as with it came a fairly chilled out, easygoing sort of personality that was nice to be around.

We now have two children, a four year old and an eighteen month old. I feel that after having our first, Dhs life went back to normal quite fast: he was sleeping, working and doing much as he always did. I initially went back to work full time and did so when DS was about ten months. It was a lot for us both so after a year I went down to three days a week, a year later DD was born and then in the summer I went back to three days a week.

I feel like since I’ve been back at work things at home have been slowly disintegrating to the point where while I don’t want to end the marriage I’m starting to wonder if it’s the only option.

We have got financial pressure on us and DH isn’t coping well with this. He blames me - he insists he doesn’t if challenged directly but his side comments if you like say otherwise. I sometimes feel I’m living in a Shakespeare play where he says one thing to me and then another as an ‘aside.’

He is often (not always) short, sarcastic, and generally unpleasant. We don’t talk, or if we do it is purely functional (have you seen DS’s wellies, could you please move your car so I can get mine out) sort of thing. I know the advice will overwhelmingly be to talk to him and you really, really can’t. I’ve tried and he just twists things around so it becomes my fault and I end up feeling really upset. I’m not great with a tense atmosphere generally so I end up trying to diffuse the situation as I can see he’s getting annoyed and that’s no good at all.

On practical grounds I’m not going to be able to end things for years, so I don’t really know what I’m asking. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to, last time I mentioned in passing to some friends we weren’t in a great place and got so overwhelmed with advice I wish I hadn’t said anything and so I’m reluctant to mention it again! It’s such a contrast to last year when I felt really happy and optimistic about the new year.

This book is by a woman who found herself in an identical situation. She stayed for 12 years trying to get him to "help" with his own children. There is happiness on the other side of this
This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life amzn.eu/d/bxCcbEN

Id give it one more go with a direct conversation of how you feel/what needs to change etc or youll be gone. Youve nothing to lose at this point. Youve one foot out the door now you can see how shit the situation is. Youre meant to work as a team. You sound like your treading on egg shells. Choose happiness.

what would happen if you took up a (cheap / free) hobby out of the house 1 or 2 evenings per week. running or a local singing group or something.

the core idea is to force him to spend time with his kids and not have you there to sort everything for him.

and to also give you a life outside of domestic drudgery

Of course he prefers you part time and dresses it up as “better for the children”. You’re doing all the parenting and housework so he doesn’t have to pull his finger out.

Look at the financial imparity- you are paying for all the stuff for yourself and your children as he won’t have it any other way. So he doesn’t even want to pay for his own kids?

Seriously OP what’s the point in him? What does he bring to the table/family/relationship?

He has you where he wants you to be and blocks any attempts to change status quo because it suits him.

It is not swapping a bad situation for another.
You are not fully happy and carefree self when you are around someone you cannot talk with. It extends to your children and damages them, more than only having a pair of shoes.
Have said that, I think you still need to talk to him. Whether he likes it or not. You do not like or enjoy his attitude, you made that clear. But he still gives it to you. So why do we women need to be nice, patient, give them space? If they do not do this for us?

This is a good idea indeed!

I don't understand why you are saying you cant leave when you are doing all the childcare and paying for everything yourself anyway?

What is your housing situation - is that what's makes it difficult?

I literally can't see what is the point of him. He is like a lead weight pulling you and your DC down.

This sums it up

I love all these posters saying leave ....
Where should op and kids go?
This why people stay in bad relationship there is no where to go ..

I think the fact that it feels impossible to discuss these things with him shows how bad things are. I’ve been there and I understand this dilemma.

can you ask for relationship counselling with him. I did this, but he replied “fuck off and get your divorce”. So I did.

Start keeping a journal, it just helps to unload and is useful when you need to remind yourself you are not going crazy.

can you afford therapy for yourself - this helped me see just how bad things were and helped me in my decision to leave.

The problem is that if he won’t let you discuss anything, you will end up distancing yourself and sooner or later you will cease to care.

They have to care enough about you and want to save the marriage. If they don’t care then nothing, in my experience, can save your relationship.

so sorry for you - it’s an impossible situation.

If the reason you can’t talk to him is that you are scared of him - you have your answer.

I got to breaking point, I talked with the husband he didn't help anymore than before.
We plodded on, he has so much free time he managed to have an affair.
I found out
turns out he can do 50% and more...
Please no judgment for still being with him.
My point is you can talk & they can ignore

Lazy, selfish, you can't talk to him... Why stay? It can't get worse than that. Financially, I'd rather be in a tiny bedsitter with two kids than in a larger house with two kids and a useless, man-child...