Dating and apps

[Darkerdreamingdescribe]

The how, what, where, when of the world of dating and apps.

I am tentatively dipping my toe into the Icey waters of the world of online dating and apps.

I’m approaching it as a little project.

Wanna share your ups and downs? I’d be happy to share mine if you share yours.

So far I’ve taken the approach of being out in the world an opportunity might present itself. It hasn’t. So there is this resource - dating apps - why not give it a go but proceed with caution.

I’m well aware there are reasons my marriage failed. A lot of the negative behaviours that were my contribution are still there. Approaching meeting people via an app is more an opportunity to practise doing different, with a gentle hope that something pleasing will come out of it.

tia

I've been doing Tinder for the past few weeks after a failed 32 year relationship. Have met some nice men to chat to. A couple of dates which were fine but no spark.

I'm getting to know more what I want and so can narrow things down a bit. It's fun. I'm taking it nice and light. Haven't had anything horrific happen, but I do avoid the kink profiles, and if they start off wierd I cut them off.

Not had a single dick pic 😅

I was on dating apps for a while. I thought that going on one that you had to pay for, would mean that people were seriously looking. Nope. I found that the same profiles are on them all, match, bumble, POF (didn't try tinder).
I met some nice blokes that I still speak to occasionally and some weirdos. I was just about to give up and my current boyfriend sent me a message. We've been together a for a few years now.
Some want a bit of fun, one night stands and a few want a relationship, it's just trying to weed them out.
You need to kiss plenty of frogs to find your prince.

@PeachyKeane that’s hard. Me too - 34 years. Seems to be the norm which is slightly comforting. It’s reassuring that if approached with a light touch, online dating can open the scope for meeting people.

@WeregoingtoIbiza also reassuring. And it’s fine that I will be the frogess to the prince on occasion too.

This time round, my intention is to be light touch. I’m predisposed to being intense, and too loyal. This time, feel secure to move on, and be moved on from.

Writing this post, reassures me, it’s the right time. I’m not heavily invested in a new relationship, but it would nice. It will be interesting to see what my experience will be.

I’m thinking of signing onto Harmony. But it sounds like @WeregoingtoIbiza that free apps are equally effective. Will explore those too.

I've been on and off the apps since May, and although I've not met anyone I want a long term relationship with, I've mostly had a good time.

I always plan dates that are things I'd enjoy doing anyway, so that even if it's a romantic no go I've still had a good time.

I've made one great friend from the apps which I'm grateful for, and also a FWB for a little while now, but he would like to be more and I'm just not interested beyond the F part 😂, so shall let him go soon as i don't want to hurt him.

Apps wise I found Tinder awful and useless, bumble OK, POF bloody awful and Hinge really good. I like the fact on Hinge you can take your time and message without having to swipe match first.

Good luck, and enjoy yourself!

I’ve been single around 5 years I’ve mostly used tinder and bumble, I really dislike ones like pof and badoo where anyone can message. In reality though, the actual app doesn’t make much difference anyway as the same people often have accounts across multiple sites anyway.

All require a huge amount of filtering and all contain a huge amount of men who talk to women like we’re free sex workers, so I feel it’s just luck as to wether you find someone decent, after filtering out the obvious disasters.

Would recommend looking at the burned haystack method facebook group too.

I had success with dating apps back in 2004 and evenutally married the guy. We split after 10 years (and I don't blame the apps). A couple of years ago I tried again and he and I are now cohabiting.

My rules are:

• Don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt until they earn it. This means that most guys don't get past the chatting online stage because of the red flags.
• Be clear about what I want. I look for guys who are kind, honest, solvent, fun, interesting (to me). I don't specify over 6ft or gym bod or 6 figure salary as that immediately narrows the field.
• Don't chat forever. I want to meet up within 2 weeks of making contact as I don't want a pen-pal. Most guys don't make it to date 2 as they fail date 1. They either don't turn up on time, mess around with the arrangements, smell bad, bore me etc..
• Reserve judgement until after 6 months. Even shitty guys can normally behave well for the first few months so I keep a weather eye out for red flags for at least 6 months and if I see them I end the relationship quickly.

The aim is to find the right guy and not any guy so be quick to cut the ones that wont fit.

Good luck!

It's fun, but can be daunting!

From a single males perspective, this is what i would say.

• Have something interesting to say, and ask questions! The amount of woman ( and men ) who reply with one word answers and/or don't ask me anything is really really high. If they do this, then they are unlikely to be in the 'relationship' pile and move down to the 'fun' pile - Even then, if they can't be bothered to string more than a few lines together I'll move on.

• Your profile pics very much determine the type of man you will attract and what they want from you. IMO, and my experience, someone who shows a lot of flesh, will typically attract 'dick pic' guys so be careful how you present yourself.

• Be honest in what you want. Make it clear from the very beginning that you want a relationship, and ask them within a few messages what they are looking for. If they start any sex talk or ask for pics early on ( before you have met ) they are there for fun. Block and move on.

• I tend to ask for a phone number, or give them mine fairly early on. it's much easier to chat via WhatsApp, but some men see this as a gateway to send dick pics so be careful.

• Meet as soon as you feel comfortable with them. More than a week and messages can become very boring , very samey, 'how was your day' etc. Its very easy to get emotionally attached before you meet and often it leads to disappointment. Men especially can be very good at messages, but completely different in the flesh.

• Once i feel comfortable with them, i usually ask for a pic with them holding something random to make sure they are who they say they are. A good one this time of year is a selfie of them in front of their Christmas tree.

I'm sure there are lots more tips but i can't think of any more right now, good luck!

I’ve been single about 5 years and tried apps earlier this year for about 3 months.

Personally I didn’t find it an enjoyable experience. I got 100’s of likes, a few matches but only a couple that lead to any sort of decent chat and absolutely no dates. The.one guy that arranged a date then ghosted me 24 hours before we were due to meet.

I found Bumble the best of a bad bunch. Hated POF as I got bombarded with messages from men mostly 20 years older or younger men looking for a MILF

Hinge was a total waste of time - I did t get a single match.

I might try again in new year as I’ve too busy to even think about dating lady few months

What women wear doesn’t determine the of men who make contact. I had nothing remotely revealing and I still got all the creepy
stuff - that comes about because of how individual men view women yes ALL women and not the ones worthy of disrespect for showing some skin 🙄

Totally agree. I’m nearly 60, very well presented and made it clear in my profile I’m not looking for casual and I still got untold sleazy , creepy messages and the ‘I know you say you’re not into hook ups but……’ types!

I don’t know anyone who’s tried OLD dating and not had messages from sleazy creeps - what we wear is absolutely not the issue.

I also stated in my profile I’m looking for someone of a similar age and preferably local. That didn’t stop men 20 years my senior or junior or ones who live 200 miles away contacting me.

Unfortunately for me OLD was the very opposite of fun. It was a dull waste of time full of creeps and men who struggled to string 3 words together

OP I'd been single for about six years before I joined dating apps, I used to work constantly and at the weekends I'd want to spend time with my siblings and family so it was the only way I could ever foresee actually meeting anyone!

Like you I approached with caution, over the 3/4 years I was on there I went on dates with maybe 8-10 different guys, they were all nice enough but I never felt any urge to see them a second time. I then met someone and on that very first date I messages all my best friends in our WhatsApp group chat to tell them I'd fallen in love at first sight! They found it hilarious because I was the most cynical person and would always have a reason for not wanting to see someone a second time. Yet here we are, that same guy and me, four years later with a house, dog, toddler and baby on the way!

All in all my experience was absolutely fine with online dating, never received one dick pic and most of the guys were friendly, nice and decent.

My advice would be to meet up soon if you're getting on well as too much time elapsing can kill any momentum, and try and be as honest and upfront as you can. I've never ghosted anyone I met up with and I've never had it done to me so it's not all bad, but if you get any bad vibes or red flags cut it off early!

Be careful - be fussy - and get a thick skin! Yes, you’ll be lied to, ghosted, insulted and you’ll get DPs.
There’s good decent people out there, but there’s a lot of damaged goods and dross, just be ready to sift carefully.

@Bittenonce @Hardlyworking @MaltipooMama @PeachyKeane @smithey85 @SnugCoralFinch @SpringleDingle @TwistedWonder @WeregoingtoIbiza

i mention you individually and collectively thank you for the advice and guidance, and reassurance that it is possible.

I also am damaged goods wanting to make good. Having a little explore and experiment with this world is a sign I am recovering. Going carefully is indicative that I need to be both open to what might happen and equally cautious.

Having an explore of the world of online dating, asking for guidance here, in conjunction with the projects I have initiated in real life, are evidence that I am coming out of my shell.

I’ll update when I’ve got started.

Very best of luck 👍

Always here if you want to vent, but please please please try to stay a little detached. It's not you, it's them. So, do not take any of it to heart whatever you do.

Treat it with amused detachment and I am always 💯 honest with them. It has avoided any unpleasantness so far.

I'm mid 40's, single a fair few years. The apps are shocking.
I think I've only ever had one date off there.
It's all men who match then won't talk, or who mention sex in the first few messages, or can barely string together more than 5 words in a sentence and can't be bothered to ask any questions.
I have given in to the fact that I will be terminally single as there's obviously something wrong with me!
Just keep one app now for tge amusement factor, nothing else.

It's most definitely not ALL men, i can absolutely assure you of that.

If you match, send them something first, something engaging which will provoke a response. If they come back with a lazy reply then move onto the next one. If that one starts sex talk early on, then block and move onto the next one.

It is a numbers game, and whilst a woman will have a lot more matches than a guy, this does also mean there will also be a lot more 'creeps' 'weirdos' and 'undesirables' .

I go on a minimum of 1 date a week generally, 90% of which i know won't 'be the one ' but its fun, and every now and again i get into the elusive 10% so don't give up!

PS - It's not just men BTW - The amount of woman who don't ask questions, talk about sex, send nudes and give two word replies is shockingly high!

Also online dating.

On Tinder and Match.

I think we categorise too much. I approach men the same way I would want to be, and also something which sets up the "stall" so to say. So rarely "hi how are you" but rather something a bit weird, or something pulled from their profile.

As a man who’s also only managed to date one real person from Apps, I can’t tell you how relieved I feel, knowing I’m not the only one 😂 . Thank you so much

Apologies, I shouldn't have said all.

I have tried that though. If I like someone and it's a match, I always always message.
Generally something off their profile, or something fun, some sort of conversation starter.
I do block the sex talkers, and the non engagers.
I'm surprised sometimes there's anyone left on there 😆

Engage with them from the off. Something that shows you have taken an interest in their profile. Be chatty. Interested in them.

@smithey85 approaches it as I do. It works fine for me. Just be normal with them. If they start bring weird or it's like pulling teeth, bin and move on.

Haha thanks! I think 🤔
I know what you mean though, when people are constantly saying how many people they meet and how many dates they go on, and I'm just like 'but How?'

Me too. I did OLD for 3 months and didn’t get a single date and only had one good chat.

It’s not just my experience, many of my friends have been on there several years and can count on their fingers the number of dates they’ve had in that time.

I don’t know anyone who gets regular dates or even regular decent chats from OLD. We’re 50+, well presented, articulate, work etc and the number of decent men we’ve matched with between us is pretty minimal.

Meant to quote @Bittenonce and now can't edit.

@Howinthehelldidthishappen now just thinking that ‘old’ and ‘OLD’ just isn’t a good match. And my ego won’t allow me to go on the ‘wrinklies only’ apps 😂

I think the key is not to be fussy, whilst not lowering your standards too low.

Keep your expectations low, and be open to match/talk to people you may normally discount. Don't judge a book by its cover - In my experience, normally the better looking woman have little chat, whilst the less attractive know they have to try harder so conversation is much easier. I guess its the same for woman when matching with men.