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Relationships

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Dating and apps

39 replies

Darkerdreamingdescribe · 19/12/2024 07:55

The how, what, where, when of the world of dating and apps.

I am tentatively dipping my toe into the Icey waters of the world of online dating and apps.

I’m approaching it as a little project.

Wanna share your ups and downs? I’d be happy to share mine if you share yours.

So far I’ve taken the approach of being out in the world an opportunity might present itself. It hasn’t. So there is this resource - dating apps - why not give it a go but proceed with caution.

I’m well aware there are reasons my marriage failed. A lot of the negative behaviours that were my contribution are still there. Approaching meeting people via an app is more an opportunity to practise doing different, with a gentle hope that something pleasing will come out of it.

tia

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 19/12/2024 16:35

I'm 35, been single for just over a year and I use Hinge exclusively as it's the least awful of the dating apps for me.

In the age bracket I'm fishing - 30 to 40 - and for where I live (major city in the US), OLD is mostly dogshit. A real needle-in-a-haystack situation.

But I still have hope! I think the key thing is to make sure you're completely happy with yourself and your life before you start dating. Makes it easier to spot the men who will add to your life vs those who will detract from it.

Crushed23 · 19/12/2024 16:47

SpringleDingle · 19/12/2024 09:10

I had success with dating apps back in 2004 and evenutally married the guy. We split after 10 years (and I don't blame the apps). A couple of years ago I tried again and he and I are now cohabiting.

My rules are:

  • Don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt until they earn it. This means that most guys don't get past the chatting online stage because of the red flags.
  • Be clear about what I want. I look for guys who are kind, honest, solvent, fun, interesting (to me). I don't specify over 6ft or gym bod or 6 figure salary as that immediately narrows the field.
  • Don't chat forever. I want to meet up within 2 weeks of making contact as I don't want a pen-pal. Most guys don't make it to date 2 as they fail date 1. They either don't turn up on time, mess around with the arrangements, smell bad, bore me etc..
  • Reserve judgement until after 6 months. Even shitty guys can normally behave well for the first few months so I keep a weather eye out for red flags for at least 6 months and if I see them I end the relationship quickly.

The aim is to find the right guy and not any guy so be quick to cut the ones that wont fit.

Good luck!

Some good advice here, especially the meeting early point. I hate endless messaging and if they haven't asked me out after a few days of chat, I ghost them on the app.

Where I disagree with you is not having high standards around physical appearance and earnings as there are many exceptions. Exercise and fitness are a huge part of my life and while I would not have a strict height preference I do avoid men with a 'dad bod' because it usually means they're not really into exercise (and can imply lack of discipline depending on how overweight they are). With earnings, I am looking to build a life with someone and be able to do fun things together without me having to bankroll them. So they need to earn at least what I earn.

PeachyKeane · 19/12/2024 17:38

Yes, I am the same about filtering them out. I am learning more as I go along. Probably lucky that I live in a high density population area. So there are loads to choose from. I'm 55 and put my filters at 45 to 57, got lots of interest from men in their late 40s actually 🙃

Darkerdreamingdescribe · 19/12/2024 17:43

Brilliant read thank you.

Yes. I am absolutely in the right frame of mind to ‘have a go’.

What’s interesting that today I am engaging differently with people in the real world. Looking at the security guard with an open mind. I’m interested in what might be their back story. So even thinking about how I might approach the hurly burly world of the dating app is impacting positively in my real life connections. And just as if in the app, if they give nothing back, move on. I just enjoyed being happy having a go.

OP posts:
Darkerdreamingdescribe · 19/12/2024 17:46

Actually, I’m finding the virtual world a great place to practise my social skills and test how I am, rather who I imagine myself to be. It’s great getting real feedback - agree with or disagree. Certainly giving a whole new point of view to mull over.

OP posts:
PeachyKeane · 19/12/2024 17:46

I'm just the same. Everyone i meet says my eyes are sparkling, I am connecting with people irl more, getting more back. It's quite astonishing actually. Good luck OP. I'm on a second date tonight with a lovely guy i met on Sunday on Tinder. He's just 4 months older than me and we had a real connection i felt first date. Obviously being wary, but going with an open mind to meet him again this evening. Wish me luck 🙏

Catandsquirrel · 19/12/2024 18:06

I dated for about 4 years before meeting my wonderful DP. Several shorter term bits and pieces and flings in the meantime. I was doing a lot of work on myself alongside.

I would echo some great advice given.

Essentially value your time highly. Only engage with the keenos. Not your job to convince anyone either about you or dating.

Meet quickly. Only chat for approx a week. You don't know someone and aren't getting an idea of them until it's in person. Exception to this is a call to see they're who they say they are and can hold a conversation but don't get invested.

If it's dragging out with no or sparse dates or excuses sack it off. If something comes up such as a work issue or family illness, give them good wishes and invite them to get in touch when it's settled (I mean at the chatting stage)

Don't be a free therapist/ chat line. So many men will gladly take up your time this way with no intention of following through.

I'm not sure if I've misread your age as 34 or years in a relationship... If age and looking for a family I would go for those without kids. Nothing whatsoever against dating parents but I'd say your 30s wanting your own isn't the time. If their profile blows you away, go for it but I would exclude 'yeah looks nice' level matches with children.

Take breaks

Careful with benefit of the doubt. It's easy to become overly suspicious but lies, pushing physical boundaries, being overly interested in other women (commenting regularly, openly staring, too much to say about exes etc) have never been good news in my experience,

If someone isn't behaving interested after you've shown your hand, they probably aren't. Let them prove otherwise rather than trying to get their attention.

When you're not interested and the other person is, them know clearly and politely. Text is better than nothing. Don't be persuaded to try again if you want out. If it's a mutual fizzle, it's fine to say nothing. The difference is whether they're left hanging.

kalisimera · 19/12/2024 18:25

It's definitely worth a go and I echo much of the advice given above. I was highly cynical about online dating having been single on and off for years and years. I had a profile but engaged in it very little... went on maybe 3 or 4 dates a year, but never any real spark though neither were there any complete weirdos. Then I met my DP of now 14 months on tinder of all places! He fits me like a glove, he is absolutely 100% the right man for me and I still pinch myself at how our paths might never have crossed. Follow the above advice and tips but if no luck straight away don't close the door on it completely.

Crushed23 · 19/12/2024 18:54

kalisimera · 19/12/2024 18:25

It's definitely worth a go and I echo much of the advice given above. I was highly cynical about online dating having been single on and off for years and years. I had a profile but engaged in it very little... went on maybe 3 or 4 dates a year, but never any real spark though neither were there any complete weirdos. Then I met my DP of now 14 months on tinder of all places! He fits me like a glove, he is absolutely 100% the right man for me and I still pinch myself at how our paths might never have crossed. Follow the above advice and tips but if no luck straight away don't close the door on it completely.

I keep hearing more and more about couple who met on Tinder. Is it because it's the most popular app and so there are more of the decent guys on there simply because ALL guys are on there? I only ever use it on holiday when I want something casual, I must admit, although not for years now, but perhaps I shouldn't write it off for serious dating.

Teamlux · 19/12/2024 23:45

I’m forties and tried the apps on and off for a year. Plenty of chats. A fair amount of first dates. I met quite a few men needing care etc from me. But I didn’t think I’d get it back. A few i liked. A few seemed normal. But only 1 had connection from the off. Still dating him now 7 months later. So there is hope! Just know what you will/wont tolerate and be sure of the kind of personality you are looking for.

kalisimera · 20/12/2024 08:47

Crushed23 · 19/12/2024 18:54

I keep hearing more and more about couple who met on Tinder. Is it because it's the most popular app and so there are more of the decent guys on there simply because ALL guys are on there? I only ever use it on holiday when I want something casual, I must admit, although not for years now, but perhaps I shouldn't write it off for serious dating.

Yes I think there's something in that - with it being the most popular and free app, ALL guys are on there even the decent ones. I am 50 as well and he is 50 something so it's not just for the younger ones!

Darkerdreamingdescribe · 05/01/2025 22:40

Any thoughts on ‘Old’. This appears to be a popular site.

OP posts:
smithey85 · 05/01/2025 23:37

Darkerdreamingdescribe · 05/01/2025 22:40

Any thoughts on ‘Old’. This appears to be a popular site.

OLD is online dating, its nit a dating app or site islts rhe collective abbreviation for all the dating apps and sites.

Lumbersexjack · 17/08/2025 15:54

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