Help me get through this

[Tootiredmummyof3]

Life is bloody hard at the moment. Christmas Eve is incredibly hard for me. It was over 20 years ago and I still get upset every year. My brother's friend tried to rape me and I still can't get over it.
Every year he comes to my parents house on Boxing day as they have an open house party. He often tries to speak to me and acts offended when I won't let him speak to my children.
Since no-one knows my husband and kids can't understand why I'm so weird around him. My brother is always annoyed that I'm rude to his friend.
Has he forgotten what he did to me? Or does he think I should be over it? I sometimes think I'm getting over it but then Christmas comes round and I feel 16 all over again.
I'm possibly feeling sensitive because of the issues surrounding my DS and his needs but yesterday he sent me a friend request on Facebook and I couldn't stop crying and shaking.
I want to move on but how?

Why have you not told people op?

Your husband and family should know what this scumbag did to you. No wonder you are so ill carrying this secret.

He absolutely remembers even if he pretends otherwise. The FR is disgusting.

He has gotten away with this for too long. The shame is his not yours.

You will never be able to move on enough to be in the same room as your attacker. Nobody would be. You are not "too sensitive" You are carrying a traumatic burden all alone. Please confide in the people you love in RL for your own mental well being.

OP I'd refuse to attend events with him there, just make some excuse.

You can contact Survivors Trust, they have a good helpline and can help with specialised counselling.

It might help to tell your husband but that's obviously your decision.

Oh and yes I would also agree that you absolutely should not attend a party he will be present at. Please don't put yourself through that

You can still report him or tell people if you feel you want to.

Speak to Rape Crisis for some support. You don't have to cope with this alone, and you don't have to make nice with the person who tried to harm you.

It's my children's favourite part of Christmas and it's the only chance we get to see wider family.
Up until he hurt me I'd have classed him as an extra older brother and can't believe I got it so wrong. He's been best friends with my brother forever and I can't tell him what happened as I don't want to ruin their friendship
My DH would be absolutely furious if he knew what has happened but would probably smack him in the face and that would make me feel worse.

You really should explain to your Husband why you react the way you do, it will be hard but once you have told him it should become easier for you to tell any others that may need to know.

You should probably give the party a miss this year and decide what you want to do moving forward for future years. If you tell your parents what happened they might not allow him entry in future which would be best all round.

Try not to beat yourself up over this and seek some professional help, even after all this time they will be able to help.

Tell your husband, you have to. It's not fair on you. And tell your brother too. So what if their friendship blows up. That fucking bastard deserves it.

I think maybe you should phone him and tell him you never told, but if he so much as looks at you or gets within 15 feet of you ever again, you will report him to the police and dam the fall out. Then put the phone down...

Bless you Op, you've thought about everyone else and their friendships and happiness- what about yours? You can't heal from this because you've tried to sweep it all under the carpet and it's doesn't make it go away, it's not possible to be in the same room as this man and pretend it never happened .He seems offended when you don't speak to him because it meant nothing to him, he tried to rape you, it didn't happen, it was years ago and you never made an issue of it so he thinks it's all forgotten.
You need to tell people, to get it out because that memory is just festering and spoiling your life

I don't think I could ring him and say that. Every time I see him or he speaks to me I feel like that helpless 16 year old again, which is stupid given I'm a grown woman with kids of my own.
In the past DH has offered to take the children on his own (as he can see how tense and on edge I am) but I'm too scared. Our oldest is 18 and our middle one is 16. It's too close.
I may well cancel this year but I can't picture how I'll ever tell my DH the truth.

You are having a trauma reaction. It won't stop until you work through it. Did you ever have any therapy for this?
If you can't speak to him then write down what you want to say, work through it with pen and paper. Read it out to yourself, practice and find your confidence.
I would say though, you don't have to say anything if you don't want to, but you do have to find a way the work through it otherwise you'll be in this same position, never moving forward.
If this was your best friend, or your daughter at 16, what advice would you give them?
You've implied your brother knows, or maybe I'm reading into your post something that isn't there. But if he does already know, tell him you are afraid of his friend and his attendance at the party is seriously distressing. Tell him that if his friend shows up again you will be telling everyone what happened.
People like this rely on the silence of their victims.

If your brother knows then why on earth would he be friends with him. The family need to know. He should be excluded from the party not you.

No, I'm pretty sure my brother doesn't know. I'm 99% certain he'd end their friendship if he did, which is one reason why I never said anything.
I used to love the Boxing day party and it's so upsetting that I can't enjoy it now.

Why do you want your brother to have a friend who attacked you? You are allowed to rock the boat.

Where did you get the idea you should sacrifice your needs for others conveniences?

OP this won't end while you're keeping it a secret.

Tell everyone - your DH first I think. Then your brother.

You were 16. Still a child. You were innocent.

Get yourself free by releasing this burden. Anything that happens is his fault, not in any way yours.

Op, while you're protecting your brother's friendship and the peace, have you considered the safety of other girls and women in the family and social circle?

It's massively unlikely that he has only ever tried to force himself on one girl, you. Most predatory men have multiple victims.

It's not your responsibility, but there's a bigger picture here than just your brother losing a friend or dh punching him - and it's of this guy being a risk to your daughters or nieces if you have them, and other female relatives and friends.

Personally I couldn't let this charade continue. I'd take your husbands friend aside and offer him the chance to explain to your husband what happened. Should he decline then I would tell him myself! Why should you sacrifice your happiness for this creep. You shouldn't, make this Christmas new and fresh and not tainted by this man. After 20 years of suffering in silence its time to bring it to an end!

If you had a friend who had attacked your brother, who would you rather spend boxing day with?

I think you need to tell your brother and get this scum disinvited. Time to take up space and not let him win.

Hi! Sexual assault victim here as well, and I really feel for you. These situations can be fucking awful to navigate. I see lots of people on here telling you to tell everyone (you should of course), but also I very much understand the feeling of not wanting to rock the boat, feeling afraid of not being believed, etc. It's also very hard to actually vocalise what happened to you to the people you love. I find that I'm completely fine telling people I know casually - but my throat froze up when I told the person I was dating that I was sexually assaulted, and it took me 10 years to tell my mum and sister.

My advice would be to tell your brother. You deserve to be free of your assaulter's presence at Christmas: you deserve to have a holiday where you feel happy and comfortable. My advice would also be to try to get a confession out of your assaulter. One way to do this would be to send him a message detailing what he did to you, asking for an apology. He'll probably deny the entire thing, but if he apologises you've got a confession you can show to your family.

A final piece of advice I have is to try to access counselling. A lot of rape/SA charities offer free counselling for survivors, either in person or online. I accessed it and found it incredibly helpful. Good luck, sending you strength.

I don't know how I'd tell my brother. I can't just say to him this is what your friend did to me. Same as I don't know how I'd bring it up with my husband.
It's a bloody hard thing to say to anyone.

Can you speak to your parents? Surely they would not allow him to be there if they knew?

If no one knows, why do you expect them to under stand?

Xx

I'm sorry that happened to you.

"I'm 99% certain he'd end their friendship if he did, which is one reason why I never said anything."

Why would you have a problem with your brother ending his friendship with the person who attacked you? I don't think you can even start to deal with and move on from what has happened without telling people, particularly your husband and brother. There is no need for you to be in the same room as your attacker, ever.