Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me get through this

31 replies

Tootiredmummyof3 · 18/12/2024 14:10

Life is bloody hard at the moment. Christmas Eve is incredibly hard for me. It was over 20 years ago and I still get upset every year. My brother's friend tried to rape me and I still can't get over it.
Every year he comes to my parents house on Boxing day as they have an open house party. He often tries to speak to me and acts offended when I won't let him speak to my children.
Since no-one knows my husband and kids can't understand why I'm so weird around him. My brother is always annoyed that I'm rude to his friend.
Has he forgotten what he did to me? Or does he think I should be over it? I sometimes think I'm getting over it but then Christmas comes round and I feel 16 all over again.
I'm possibly feeling sensitive because of the issues surrounding my DS and his needs but yesterday he sent me a friend request on Facebook and I couldn't stop crying and shaking.
I want to move on but how?

OP posts:
FlorenceB19 · 23/12/2024 12:43

Please, I don't want to undermine your experience, however, sometimes our perception of events can change as we mature.

Is it possible that due to your age's at the time, there was no intention to violate you & as a young person he hadn't developed self control etc? or perhaps he wasn't aware how forceful he was acting out!

As young teenagers, they are experiencing new sexual urges and new interactions but with added sexual inexperience or lack of knowledge of right or wrong! (Years ago boys were taught that if a girl said no.. "They were playing hard to get"!! (Please know that I don't agree with this, however I remember those sayings, while growing up & maybe those words MAY of stuck with him! & he felt pressured!!) (I know it's not right!! But I'm trying to view a different perspective to help understand how the situation may have arose without intention)

Is it possible that as he has naturally evolved he is now aware of his actions on that occasion, where he looks back on it & realises how inappropriate he was acting out on them? (Maybe he has tormented himself of those actions & feels deeply guilty & full of shame)

How to move forward... initially I would
Look to see how this person has grown into adulthood... is he a family man, kind & thoughtful or is he an a**hole??

If he has grown & matured in a healthy way, then I would work on trying to process the situation through innocence of adolescence (we have all done things differently without key knowledge) & then talk through your feelings with a therapist) some work placements will pay for some sessions) which maybe helpful to help you process the impact & your trauma responses)

I would also, find a quiet moment to discuss those events with him directly & allow each other to address the elephant in the room (this could be therapeutic for you both, as he may well be holding on to negative thought's & emotions because of his actions that does not marry up to what his adult core values are now) he may feel elements of guilt & shame! which in turn may help heal your hurt & resentment.

If he has not grown or developed and remains an a**hole then I would confide with your brother and allow him to tell his friend, he knows what happened & he is no longer welcome to join in your family reunions.

Just to note, I am speaking with experience, as a child and then as a teenager, I had been subjected to various SA by different people (including those who should have protected me!)

I then had a 5 yr abusive relationship 13-18yrs old, where I was subjected to daily emotional & physical abuse including rape! (At that time, I did not know it was deemed as rape as my limited knowledge was defined by a dark alley with a stranger!) I had no idea that you can be raped in a relationship, however as I have aged & been educated, I now know the difference, yet I can also look back & acknowledge that my then BF had no understanding that he was actually being abusive. Therefore, I hold no ill against him, I can let go of that side of hurt & resentment and I have focused on how I feel/felt and find ways to manage my trauma responses.

I hope my post doesn't cause you further distress by sounding like I am advocating for your brother's friend! & dismissing your traumatic experience, I can honestly say that is not my intention.

However, I wanted to bring a different perspective to the way we think, as our brains are stronger wired & they can influence our feelings!

A sense of understanding, helped me to develop a sense of forgiveness, which allowed me to let go & heal & move forward.

Sending you my best wishes 🫶🏼

Tootiredmummyof3 · 23/12/2024 16:37

FlorenceB19 · 23/12/2024 12:43

Please, I don't want to undermine your experience, however, sometimes our perception of events can change as we mature.

Is it possible that due to your age's at the time, there was no intention to violate you & as a young person he hadn't developed self control etc? or perhaps he wasn't aware how forceful he was acting out!

As young teenagers, they are experiencing new sexual urges and new interactions but with added sexual inexperience or lack of knowledge of right or wrong! (Years ago boys were taught that if a girl said no.. "They were playing hard to get"!! (Please know that I don't agree with this, however I remember those sayings, while growing up & maybe those words MAY of stuck with him! & he felt pressured!!) (I know it's not right!! But I'm trying to view a different perspective to help understand how the situation may have arose without intention)

Is it possible that as he has naturally evolved he is now aware of his actions on that occasion, where he looks back on it & realises how inappropriate he was acting out on them? (Maybe he has tormented himself of those actions & feels deeply guilty & full of shame)

How to move forward... initially I would
Look to see how this person has grown into adulthood... is he a family man, kind & thoughtful or is he an a**hole??

If he has grown & matured in a healthy way, then I would work on trying to process the situation through innocence of adolescence (we have all done things differently without key knowledge) & then talk through your feelings with a therapist) some work placements will pay for some sessions) which maybe helpful to help you process the impact & your trauma responses)

I would also, find a quiet moment to discuss those events with him directly & allow each other to address the elephant in the room (this could be therapeutic for you both, as he may well be holding on to negative thought's & emotions because of his actions that does not marry up to what his adult core values are now) he may feel elements of guilt & shame! which in turn may help heal your hurt & resentment.

If he has not grown or developed and remains an a**hole then I would confide with your brother and allow him to tell his friend, he knows what happened & he is no longer welcome to join in your family reunions.

Just to note, I am speaking with experience, as a child and then as a teenager, I had been subjected to various SA by different people (including those who should have protected me!)

I then had a 5 yr abusive relationship 13-18yrs old, where I was subjected to daily emotional & physical abuse including rape! (At that time, I did not know it was deemed as rape as my limited knowledge was defined by a dark alley with a stranger!) I had no idea that you can be raped in a relationship, however as I have aged & been educated, I now know the difference, yet I can also look back & acknowledge that my then BF had no understanding that he was actually being abusive. Therefore, I hold no ill against him, I can let go of that side of hurt & resentment and I have focused on how I feel/felt and find ways to manage my trauma responses.

I hope my post doesn't cause you further distress by sounding like I am advocating for your brother's friend! & dismissing your traumatic experience, I can honestly say that is not my intention.

However, I wanted to bring a different perspective to the way we think, as our brains are stronger wired & they can influence our feelings!

A sense of understanding, helped me to develop a sense of forgiveness, which allowed me to let go & heal & move forward.

Sending you my best wishes 🫶🏼

But he wasn't a young teenager. He was 26, same age as my brother. It's possible that he did think I was trying hard to get or that he didn't intend to hurt me, I don't know. It was so long ago who knows what he thinks?

OP posts:
Tootiredmummyof3 · 23/12/2024 16:42

He's divorced and has a son. I don't think he sees a lot of his son but I have no idea if that's his choice, or his ex or just circumstances.
I don't feel comfortable talking to him. He makes me feel vulnerable but not because of anything he does but just memories.

OP posts:
category12 · 23/12/2024 18:51

Tootiredmummyof3 · 23/12/2024 16:37

But he wasn't a young teenager. He was 26, same age as my brother. It's possible that he did think I was trying hard to get or that he didn't intend to hurt me, I don't know. It was so long ago who knows what he thinks?

He was 10 years older than you. 🙁

Are there teenaged girls at this annual house party?

Tootiredmummyof3 · 23/12/2024 19:23

My teenage DDs who I basically don't let out of my sight and my niece who is usually with my kids.
It's something else that scares me. Some of the friends/neighbours do have younger children and I worry something might happen to them when they get a bit older.
But I still can't say anything, I'm scared and worry not everyone will believe me after all this time. I know it's selfish but I can barely hold myself together at Christmas as it is.

OP posts:
category12 · 23/12/2024 19:36

Tootiredmummyof3 · 23/12/2024 19:23

My teenage DDs who I basically don't let out of my sight and my niece who is usually with my kids.
It's something else that scares me. Some of the friends/neighbours do have younger children and I worry something might happen to them when they get a bit older.
But I still can't say anything, I'm scared and worry not everyone will believe me after all this time. I know it's selfish but I can barely hold myself together at Christmas as it is.

Please speak to Rape Crisis or The Survivors Trust or New Pathways (or a similar organisation) for some support, even if you might not be able to speak to someone immediately, maybe you could in the New Year? I don't think you can go on like this, and you shouldn't have to. You have been so alone with this for so long.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/
https://thesurvivorstrust.org/support-in-your-area/
https://www.newpathways.org.uk/it-happened-in-the-past/

Support in Your Area

Support in Your Area - The Survivors Trust

The Survivors Trust has 120 member organisations based in the UK & Ireland which provide specialist support for women, men and children who have survived

https://thesurvivorstrust.org/support-in-your-area

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread