So hard blending families... So many arguments over the kids

[Emsy999]

Been with my partner now for two years. Was long distance for a while but I've relocated with my two children to her home town and we rent our own places separately.

Our children (3, 6, 7 & 8) get on amazingly and our relationship was absolutely incredible but we're having so many niggly arguments it's really worrying me. We have been planning on moving in together but since I've moved near to her and we've been spending more time together the arguments have increased.

The main reason I think is that we both parent so differently. I am more strict and my partner is much more relaxed. I mean almost horizontal when it comes to the children and it's showing in their behaviour. Whilst we're together I tend to let her discipline her children and I do mine but there have been times when I've had to say something to them (she's told me that she would sometimes like some back up with them so it has never been an issue). She is very relaxed with them in some areas and I can see negative behavioural patterns which have emerged from this creeping into my own children's behaviour as well. Now my children aren't perfect and this is not about me having more boundaries but I think it's going to seriously affect our relationship going ahead as well as my children. There has been a few times when I've disciplined her children and she's undermined me right in front of them and I am really finding it hard not to say anything as I know she will get very defensive and it will ruin us.

On the other hand, if we're going to be moving in together and getting a mortgage surely I should be telling her my worries?

Anyone had similar experiences after trying to blend families and if so, what advice would you give please?

Thank you!

Just don’t do it. This will never work. And the children will suffer most.

A friend of mine has been dating a guy for fifteen years now. They have five kids between them and from the start they realized that mixing them together would be a disaster, as both kids and parents are different, so they never moved in together. They have amazing relationship as it is obvious seeing how long it survived, but have no plans of ever moving in.

I think it would be silly to blend families in this situation. You see so many threads on here where it messed up the DC. Unless everyone is blissfully happy and on the same page I wouldn't do it. I also think it's too soon in the relationship.. Just live apart.

Don’t do it. Parenting your children comes first. They will be resentful and you will be resentful. She will eventually be resentful. You are already seeing fundamental differences.

You are not compatible. Consider whether this relationship is worth keeping for the long term.

Don’t even think about living together when your kids are this young and there’s already differences in how you deal with your children. Continue living apart and see how things go but I think fundamentally your differences could be too much

Why would you try to blend families in these circumstances? It's obviously not going to work.

No, this is a recipe for disaster and why personally I chose not to date anyone with their own children when I was a single parent. Can’t be dealing with all the faff of different styles of parenting, exes, blending etc too much hassle. (Dh and I met when dd was 5 and we’ve been together since coming up to 16 years now).

Thank you all for your advice. I'm just so sad because I feel as though she's my soulmate and we're meant to be together. The children will also be devastated if we went our separate ways.

You don’t need to go your separate ways, just live separately and prioritise your children.

No, you're meant to be there for your children. Everything else comes second. Did they have to move schools etc just for your new relationship/?

@Emsy999 are you a man or a woman?

I'd agree with PP: don't move in together. The kids will be unhappy and ultimately it will probably be the death knell to your relationship because you'll end up so resentful of each other.

I moved in with my ex wife (we weren't married at the time) and my 2 kids. Didn't end well and we're divorced now.

i can’t fathom how either of you are even remotely considering this

Surely, surely, you can see that this is NOT in the best interests of the children or perhaps you both know this but don’t give a fig

uprooting your children to a different town on the basis of a short relationship

un-fucking-believable

You can be together without moving in together. Carry on as you were and then reassess in the future when the children are older; if you are indeed soul mates then it'll work out.

according to past posts

both the op and the partner are women

and OP only separated from husband in March 2023 so not remotely 2 years

You need to let go of the idea that one of you is right and the other wrong. You're just incompatible

There is no such thing as soulmates, stop talking and behaving like a love sick 14 year old and put your children first

Don't move in together. You are 0% compatible as coparents. It would be a disaster.

That doesn't mean you have to break up.

I do agree with previous posters, I wouldn't suggest moving in together right now. If you are having these issues now then it's going to be like being in a pressure cooker with 6 of you in one house.
I don't think that means you have to go your separate ways though. I think you can find a routine/schedule that works for both of your families and continue the relationship like that.
You never know, with more time things might get better and you might be able to work to sync up your parenting styles.
But worst case scenario and you can't, you can just live separately until the children have grown up and then have your time alone living together.
I appreciate that's not what you envisioned with this move, but I think moving in together now or in the near future is just going to cause you all no end of heartbreak.

You do t have to break up, just don’t move in together.

I agree.

I'd add that you have no business 'disciplining' her children, not only because it will ruin the relationship, but also because it is not your place to do so

There has been a few times when I've disciplined her children and she's undermined me right in front of them and I am really finding it hard not to say anything as I know she will get very defensive and it will ruin us

Terrible idea. Don't ruin your life forever. Or inflict this on the DC. Hers or yours.

Will someone just think of the children in this situation?

She's not your soulmate, she's someone you get on with and you fancy.

Based on previous posts she is someone you have been dating for a year and a half, for whom you uprooted your children and moved them to a new town. I believe you are also the same poster who got angry with her girlfriend because she wanted to spend Christmas with her mum rather than you and your kids. I think you have invested far too much in this relatively new relationship and you have dragged your kids along with you whilst your girlfriend is less invested and on a more normal level of committment after a year an a half.

Please shift your focus to your kids and don't try and force a future on them that doesn't benefit them.

Families generally don't blend, parents just like to think they do.
This won't work.