So hard blending families... So many arguments over the kids

[Emsy999]

Been with my partner now for two years. Was long distance for a while but I've relocated with my two children to her home town and we rent our own places separately.

Our children (3, 6, 7 & 8) get on amazingly and our relationship was absolutely incredible but we're having so many niggly arguments it's really worrying me. We have been planning on moving in together but since I've moved near to her and we've been spending more time together the arguments have increased.

The main reason I think is that we both parent so differently. I am more strict and my partner is much more relaxed. I mean almost horizontal when it comes to the children and it's showing in their behaviour. Whilst we're together I tend to let her discipline her children and I do mine but there have been times when I've had to say something to them (she's told me that she would sometimes like some back up with them so it has never been an issue). She is very relaxed with them in some areas and I can see negative behavioural patterns which have emerged from this creeping into my own children's behaviour as well. Now my children aren't perfect and this is not about me having more boundaries but I think it's going to seriously affect our relationship going ahead as well as my children. There has been a few times when I've disciplined her children and she's undermined me right in front of them and I am really finding it hard not to say anything as I know she will get very defensive and it will ruin us.

On the other hand, if we're going to be moving in together and getting a mortgage surely I should be telling her my worries?

Anyone had similar experiences after trying to blend families and if so, what advice would you give please?

Thank you!

This. After my marriage ended I had a brief relationship with a man with children of a similar age to mine. It was such hard work. After it ended I decided I would not date anyone with children again. I had my children all week and they went to their father EOW. My 'boyfriend' only saw his children EOW. I needed boundaries with mine to stand a chance of my life functioning. He saw his children so infrequently that the idea of saying no to them horrified him. It was never going to work.

You are incompatible with living together. Stay as a couple but don’t move in. You’re going to annoy each other with the different parenting styles and the kids will all take advantage of it as they get older. If you move in, you’re signing up to being bad cop for years and the niggles you have now will become full on resentment because you’ll have to resign yourself to the kids becoming more like your gf’s kids as you can’t have 2 different rule systems in the same house.
The older the kids get, the more likely that they will not get along too. It seems like most families can blend but in my experience, very few successfully do and it happens so often because the adults want it and they don’t reassess when the kids get older and their wants and needs change. What I mean is it’s very easy to get a 5yo to buy into a blended family but a 15yo is very different.

Don’t move in together. Trust me. It will be a total shitshow.

I've been in a broadly similar situation. Although living together before the kids was never a serious consideration, as there's no way we could have made that work (logically as well as practically). But even so, the different parenting styles were a challenge when we did spend time together. I'd tell off my own kids for misbehaving, and whilst hers were jointly responsible, they'd not receive any (or equal) discipline for their part.

While you're not living together (and my recommendation would be to keep it that way, as hard as that is to wait until the kids fly the nest), you should really keep avoiding any attempt at disciplining each others kids - focus on your own and let her do hers (or not, as the case may be). I noticed that my kids behaved worse when we were all together, like dp's kids seemed to drag mine down to their level. I'm sure my kids felt it was unfair that they were getting called out on their behaviour while their peers weren't, but then that's a bit of a life lesson in itself.

And if you think it's tough now, it'll likely get worse as the kids get older. When ours became teenagers the diffence in behaviour widened I think ex's light touch approach to disciplining her kids really played a part in that. By the time they're teenagers it's too late - they either know where the boundaries are or they don't. It's impossible to try and introduce boundaries at that age that weren't already well established.