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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP not happy with our "new life" - help me, help him!

37 replies

MissingMyHeels · 01/05/2008 10:22

DP and I have a six week old baby and have been not having a great time of things lately and have been contemplating completely splitting up. He has struggled to "get" the being a Dad thing but is an excellent Dad just a bit selfish at times which causes arguements. I am totally in love with my DD and really enjoying her, being on maternity leave and he doesn't seem to feel the same way.

In a post football drunken state he last night was really honest with me about how he is feeling. He feels his life hasn't progressed since I found out I was pregnant, he feels like he has no control over his life anymore and has no friends anymore.

To be fair, his friends have been pretty shitty since we've had DD. Don't invite him out, just assume he can't come etc when lots of the time he can. I really want to do something to help him feel better. Do you think it's reasonable to email his bf and give him a nudge? DP is a typical man and wouldn't open up to his friends about things so I don't want to totally emasculate him.

Is it possible to make him realise that his life isn't rubbish because he doesn't go out every night of the week? It's just different, he has some great friends, he has just had a promotion, we love him loads. I don't really feel like I'm articulating this particularly well, hope someone understands what I'm getting at and can offer some advice!

OP posts:
Original poster
MissingMyHeels · 01/05/2008 10:44

I know it's long but pleasseeeee!

Bump

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 01/05/2008 10:47

Six weeks is really early days - you don't want to be making any big decisions at this point!

If you get on with his friends, why not nudge them? Does your DP ever go out, now you have a DD? (Do you go out?)

Are there any ways to help him get new (better!) friends? Local dads get togethers etc?

spicemonster · 01/05/2008 10:50

Does your DP think you don't want him to go out? Many new mums want their partners to stay in with them and the baby but I agree if someone can get out for a bit, they can. Can't he ring his friends and find out what's going on? Or would he think that's needy?

Original poster
MissingMyHeels · 01/05/2008 10:52

We both go out, my Mum has DD on a Sat night so we can do something together and we have a flat in London (we live in Surrey) that he stays at a couple of times a week as I know his headspace is really important to him and I like the break. I've had a couple of nights out alone too.

I am really relaxed about what he does and I am not sure how much more I can do with that.

Think I will speak to his friends later. Do men often take longer to settle in to being a parent?

OP posts:
Shitemum · 01/05/2008 10:53

It is a total shock for some men, and women, to become parents. We have 9 months of physical changes in which to get used to the idea but they are just on-lookers.
Maybe you could invite some mutual friends round for a barbecue or on a day out somewhere nice and have a quiet word with the blokes about including him when they go out. Actually i'm surprised they've stopped inviting him, most blokes would be oblivious to the fact that having a new baby might make it difficult to go out for a while!
Things will get easier as your baby gets bigger. Congratulations!

Original poster
MissingMyHeels · 01/05/2008 10:53

He would think it was needy! Because he didn't go out for about a month when I was heavily pregnant and had just had her it's almost like they have forgotten about him.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 01/05/2008 10:55

It's so early on in your lives as parents. This is often a really horrible stage between couples - such a huge adjustment. Can you keep the lines of communication open and agree to review things in 6 months or even a year's time. The likelihood is he will feel completely differently then.

HappyWoman · 01/05/2008 10:58

Could you invite some of his friends around and then jokingly say 'please take him out for a night as i think he needs it' being a new dad and all that?

I think it is a big step for you both and something there is no preperation for beforehand.

Maybe it is not how he imagined it would be - not in a bad way just different and he doesnt want to sound like he is not happy iyswim.

Cappuccino · 01/05/2008 11:00

I wonder about 'his life hasn't progressed' - he has had a promotion, he is a new dad

I just wonder if he is a bit depressed and cannot see the positives in his life. Is his promotion bringing him down?

'he feels like he has no control over his life' - does he feel suddenly responsible for a family and finds it a pressure?

Original poster
MissingMyHeels · 01/05/2008 11:05

You're right it is early days, I guess we do need to give it time and I have explained that it won't be like this forever. DD is a lovely baby, she sleeps 7 hours at night and is a very content little thing, he just doesn't seem to have bonded with her and almost resents the effect she has had on things.

His school of thought is that she is so little she doesn't know what's going on so it doesn't matter what he does/doesn't do at this stage. And apart from a few smiles (which I find completely overwhelming) she doesn't do much and he admits he finds her a bit boring

I like the idea of a BBQ or something at home, we haven't had a housewarming yet so I might throw an impromptu soiree this weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissingMyHeels · 01/05/2008 11:10

I did wonder if he had a form of post natal depression - can Dads get it?

He was sobbing his heart out last night and was incredibly upset, it broke my heart as I've never seen him like that and I just want him to feel better. It is exactly as you say Cappucino - he can't see the positives in his life and I don't know how to show him.

Having said that, I have just spoken to him and he seems fine. Asked how he was feeling and he said good - it's as if it didn't happen!

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 01/05/2008 11:28

he sounds depressed, i think you should try and get him to speak to your gp!

Original poster
MissingMyHeels · 01/05/2008 11:37

More chance of pigs flying. Will just have to try and cheer him up, his best friend is DD's Godfather so I have a reason to phone him and will suggest he takes DP out soon.

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Cappuccino · 01/05/2008 11:38

my dh's job is quite pressured and he sometimes gets a bit depressed

one of the things I have found that has worked is to get him to do something nice for him each day

sometimes that is just to go for a walk at lunchtime or listen to a podcast, or finish work early and go for a pint

after a week he often feels much chirpier

Original poster
MissingMyHeels · 01/05/2008 12:13

That's a good idea Capp - I'm going to make his favourite dinner tonight and open a nice bottle of wine and get a DVD. I suggested he go for a drink after work as a few of his colleagues are out but he's not in the mood. Spoke to his best friend who is taking him for lunch tomorrow.

Feel a bit better about things now - thank you. I need to remember that this is a big change for him as well as me, I often forget that it might be a shock for him being a parent all of a sudden, it is a lot of responsibility.

OP posts:
sandyballs · 01/05/2008 12:18

I think new Dads do sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed by it all. My DH suddenly felt pressure to earn more money and 'provide' which I couldn't understand, I thought it was quite an old fashioned outlook but it seems as though a lot of men go through this.

OsmosisBanana · 01/05/2008 12:31

I am totally that you have a 6 week old baby and manage to go out! I had my first night out alone a month ago. DD is 18 months! How do I convince my parents to move nearer us???

FairyMum · 01/05/2008 12:32

I think he sounds a bit selfish and immature. Sounds like he has lots of "headspace" like you call it compared to a lot of new dads, and especially compared to new mums. You sound very understanding. I would be furious had my DP brought this up 6 weeks after the birth of our baby when you are still recovering after the birth, hormonal and probably not sleeping. He might be depressed, but then the least he should do is go and see a GP for everyone's sake. To be honest, I almost thought this OP was a joke.

motherinferior · 01/05/2008 12:38

I agree with FairyMum.

Frankly, I hardly think he is your priority at the moment. I certainly wouldn't knock myself out trying to make him feel better.

TillyScoutsmum · 01/05/2008 12:41

A lot of dads (and mums) don't bond with new babies. My dp is a great dad but admits he finds newborns boring (albeit if he had told me that when dd was 6 weeks old, he may well have had a hormonally induced slap )

As soon as dd starts to "do" more things, he will hopefully find her more interesting.

In the meantime, do you have any couples friends who can come round for dinner/drinks sometimes ? Or are all his friends single ?

He does sound quite immature and doesn't seem quite ready for the responsibility a baby brings. Unfortunately, whilst you can help him by having some baby free time together and asking his mates to make sure he's invited out, its ultimately up to him.

6 weeks is really early days

zog · 01/05/2008 12:59

One thing that really helped DH bond with the children when they were tiny was bathing them as often as he could. It became a really special "dad and child" moment with each of them. Worth a try?

Original poster
MissingMyHeels · 01/05/2008 13:03

DD was unplanned and I made the decision to have her, DP wanted me to have a termination. We worked through it but the upshot of that is that I do feel quite responsible for his happiness as I assured him everything would be fine and it's not. I do kind of feel it's my fault so that's why I feel like I should be trying to make it better.

You're right though he can be selfish and immature (even though he is fast approaching 30!). The post is def not a joke, I don't have loads of friends with kids (only ante natal class friends) so I'm not sure what is normal and what isn't - I know he is lucky to have a couple of nights off but he is very hands on and great when he is here.

OP posts:
EffiePerine · 01/05/2008 13:05

I think we can underestimate the effect of becoming a parent has on men - huge change with no hormones to buffer the adjustment. Plus many are shut out at the birth and early weeks stage. I'm flabbergasted that DH and I didn't completely fall apart in teh first year, it was really really hard on both of us.

I disagree with MI: it's an effort to be nice to your partner at this stage but it is really important. He;s talking to you which is great and it sounds like you still like him which is better (and pretty unusual IME!). You just need to do what you can to get through - it does get better

EffiePerine · 01/05/2008 13:06

(oh and DS was planned and much wanted so that doesn't make you immune!)

EffiePerine · 01/05/2008 13:07

would also say that PND in men prob more common than we realise

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