DP not happy with our "new life" - help me, help him!

[MissingMyHeels]

DP and I have a six week old baby and have been not having a great time of things lately and have been contemplating completely splitting up. He has struggled to "get" the being a Dad thing but is an excellent Dad just a bit selfish at times which causes arguements. I am totally in love with my DD and really enjoying her, being on maternity leave and he doesn't seem to feel the same way.

In a post football drunken state he last night was really honest with me about how he is feeling. He feels his life hasn't progressed since I found out I was pregnant, he feels like he has no control over his life anymore and has no friends anymore.

To be fair, his friends have been pretty shitty since we've had DD. Don't invite him out, just assume he can't come etc when lots of the time he can. I really want to do something to help him feel better. Do you think it's reasonable to email his bf and give him a nudge? DP is a typical man and wouldn't open up to his friends about things so I don't want to totally emasculate him.

Is it possible to make him realise that his life isn't rubbish because he doesn't go out every night of the week? It's just different, he has some great friends, he has just had a promotion, we love him loads. I don't really feel like I'm articulating this particularly well, hope someone understands what I'm getting at and can offer some advice!

MMH, it is NOT your fault. If he never wanted kids then he should have taken responsibility for contraception.

I'm more concerned about you.

You've just had a baby and here you are struggling to make this person happy because you feel this is all your fault.

6 weeks is so early, things get a bit easier at 12 weeks, but i think my dh has only just really started to bond with dd now she is 6 mths and will giggle at him

That's a nice idea zog, I'll suggest that to him as I normally bath her during the day so he doesn't get the chance.

Effie - I do still like him! I just wish he felt as happy as I do to have DD. I want him to feel how I feel and it's not coming naturally to him.

expat - I know in theory it's not my fault but ultimately I made the decision that has made a massive impact on his life and I assured him that it would be fine and for me it has been. I could not be happier and that makes me feel even more guilty! I guess I can't worry or focus too much on making him happy as it's not solely my responsibility. Seems like it might just be a case of time.

You aren't responsible for his happiness. But I don't think it comes naturally to many men - we are biologically programmed to bond with and nurture our babies, men don't have that biological urger (though many if not most bind with their children anyway). This isn't your fault, but your DH's reaction is understandable as well (and as I said, more common than we perhaps realise)

Hmm, I missed that bit of biological programming then. I spent the first six weeks of DD1's life thinking WTF HAVE I DONE, and recoiling in horror from the prospect of my irredeemably smashed-up life. And I had stitches, scarring, chawed-up nipples and the general and pervasive sense of having been kicked in the stomach by a horse to contend with. None of which are frightfully unusual.

possibly it's very mild depression. so worth telling him to go to GP/counsellor. It's not your job to make him happy again. Only he can do that.

no you're not responsible for his happiness

and you shouldn't spend the next 18 years trying to be

I do agree with Fairymum as well

No, MMH, he made a decision that massively impacted his life by having sex and not getting a vasectomy if he didn't want kids.

Or using a condom as back up each and every time.

This isn't YOUR fault.

Everyone is responsible for his/her own happiness. No matter what.

i was going to start a new post but this is very similar to my situation, except my partner doesn't have another home, he just stays at friends if he doesn't wanna come home to us. Has everything worked out for you mmh? i need hope, he said he needs time to sort his head out but i am fast losing patience and understanding. i'm at the point now where i am so happy and coping without him, i don't know if i even want him back.

My OH was exactly the same MMH. He went to the doc's and was put on ad's. Now that DD is 2 it is a lot better but he sometimes gets a maudlin for his old life with just the two of us. We quickly realised that his 'friends' were friends until we had DD - our house was a convenient place to go to get away from their own kids so we have hardly seen any of them for 2 years!

Does he have a hobby to get him out and about? OH has recently taken up mountain biking which gets him out when he is feeling a bit stifled at home.

hi mmh, you are so kind to him, kinder than i would be! apart from liking, loving him etc it is so worth helping him tough out the shock and the dull seeming to him new bits if you can manage it, because this is the sort of bloke (younger, loves playing with mates) who suddenly becomes superdad when baby becomes toddler and pre-schooler...i've seen it time and again the last few years. lord wittering post, sorry, wiped out over here today, mine is laughing in his sleep and waking me a lot. ds2, not dp