I'm an idiot

[Drowningnotwaving74]

Had a very long term abusive relationship.
Mainly emotional and financial but physical a couple of times.

I got out 4 5 years ago.
Someone I thought was a friend offered me a place to stay and instead of getting on a train home I went there.
Love bombed
After 3 months phone snatched accused of cheating.
Love bombed
Threatened I am rhe one who pays for everything but get told its his flat.
Currently being accused of 'waiting for him to die so I get the flat'
In discard I think, having to go to hospital and stuff myself getting very ill probably stress.
I thought I had a HA property as I was still on the list I was on with my ex but his name was still on the application so I think I've lost that one.
They want evidence I have been in touch with domestic abuse support and as its been webchat and stuff 'm not sure how to.
Why am I so stupid?
Have lost everything.
Can't just go to a refuge no kids, I work so.couldnt afford it and i am not leaving my dog who is my only friend I did that with the ex and he had them put to sleep.

It is abuse isn't it? Everyone thinks he wonderful and hs a big heart, he's horrible, nasty about people mean, calls me names makes me feel small and stupid
What do I do? Sorry lts so long I'm.even lonelier than I was in the last one and I didn't think I could be.

What if its me?

It’s not you. Read this

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Contact women’s aid. They will help you make an exit plan. You can leave with support.

All else asside - this relationship is making your life a misery.

It doesn't need to be anyone's fault, there doesn't need to be abuse, you can leave someone for any reason you like. It's your life.

And why stay with someone who makes your life a misery?

Start looking for somewhere else to go.
There's an organisation that can take in dogs of victims of domestic abuse whilst their owners find homes. I don't know the name but maybe Google it.

Your children too, don't deserve to grow up witnessing their mother abused.

You don't have to spend your life ruminating on who is at fault. That shit is hardly going to make your life better is it? So don't make a martyr out of yourself.

You made some bad choices. Time to make better ones.

Is going home to family an option like it was before this guy?

It's not you. It's that you're a good person and these types are very quick to size people up and find the most kind and, I guess, gullible, easy led, whatever. It's not your fault. You just happened to get targeted again. It's quite common.

What's the solution? I guess, get tough. I'm working on that myself after my own abusive relationship. Sigh it's hard work. But it's worth it to not fall prey to these sorts again.

I have no advice really, except to say sending you hugs. It will pass. As pp posters have said contact women's aid.
I am sorry this is happening to you

Several animal rescue charities have fostering schemes for people leaving abusive relationships - I think Blue Cross is one. So they'd foster your dog until you got on your feet.

Or maybe you could ask a friend or family member to look after them for a while?

Otherwise maybe rehome them permanently. I know it's horrible and sad, but you can't live like this.

I don't think you have to have kids to go into refuge.

Abusers spot vulnerable people and take advantage and manipulate. You were an easy target and don't seem to realise you have choice.
You don't have to be with a man, sounds like you went from one abuser to the next. You don't have to pay for everything - why are you? If a man offers you a bed for the night, it's going to be about more than friendship.
If you work and pay for everything as it is, shouldn't be too hard to find another place - not with a man attached. If you love your dog, get them rehomed, or fostered temporarily. Don't get more pets until your life is stable. If you keep doing the same thing, you get the same results, that's why it's happened again.

Thank you

It's practical advice really. How do I evidence support from dv when it's been webchat? How do I protect myself whilst I'm stuck here.

Yes and no

I had a 20 year abusive relationship. I had known the person I am with for almost that length of time so foolishly when weak believed him.
I gave worked through why does he do that it helped me understand more.

The refuge is cost, if your on benefits its free, I am not it would cost several hundred pounds a week.

apply To all of your local housing associations and your local council for housing. Tell them you are fleeing domestic abuse and have nowhere to go. They will have to house you as a matter of urgency. They keep a certain percentage of housing stock for exactly this purpose. It might take a few weeks but you will be offered housing. It might not be the best house in the best area but it will be yours and it will be safe. It will give you a place to start from until you can move on to something better. If you are on a low income, you can apply for support from Universal Credit. Use the benefits calculator to see what you might be entitled to.

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk

I had the offer what I am trying to do is give them the evidence they are now requesting so I can keep the place I was offered.
I'm.not entitled to any benefits I am employed and over earning threshold fact I dint see it doesn't matter

So, you’ve been offered social housing and they are just going through your application to confirm all the legalities of it?

Are you working full time? Could you get more hours?

The fact you didn’t see what doesn’t matter?

It has my ex H on it, so I now have to send in all my evidence again.
No I already work full time and I earn good money I just don't see any of it

And as its webchat with womens aid and I am not going to the police that evidence is hard to come by

Ah right I see. So you’re trying to get him removed from the tenancy agreement. And is it because of him that you have no money? Does he take it from you? Is he financially abusive?

The ex h is the one before
I move him into a nice HA property and he is as far as I know on the tenancy for that.
The application had both names on initially I trmoved ex H and was allowed to bid on and be offered the new property.
Current partner is financial and emotionally abusive not physical yet

Right, so you’ve been offered a new property. That’s good. You’ve applied as a single applicant. That’s good. Once you’re away from him, he won’t be able to be financially or emotionally abusive. That’s great! This all sounds very positive OP. When can you move?

I need to send a raft of evidence so they fully process it.
So they want evidence that ky living conditions are contributing to my ill health (I can get a doc for that and even without the stress sleeping in a sofa when being investigated for COPD and angina when you have osteoarthritis ain't good)
All of the dv stuff has been via webchat though, so do I ask one of the dv champions at work to back me up? Try and get something from womens aid?

It's lovely, it's new and I want it me my dog and work from home will be bliss.

Working from home is obviously not currently bliss cos I have no escape

Go to women’s aid and they will help you get the evidence you need together for your housing association. Ask if you can speak to a domestic abuse trained member of the housing staff. Get them to deal with your tenancy. Also, do you have evidence of giving him your money? Bank statements showing transfers? Or you paying the full rent and him not contributing? Things like this will also show he’s been financially abusive. Women’s aid can provide you with the best help. You might also want to contact shelter for advice. It seems excessive to me that they are asking for so much

It's my paying for everything and him not contributing.

I will contact womens aid have to do it on webchat as he is always there

Can you do it when you’re at work? Check your works policy on supporting staff experiencing domestic abuse. They should also be able to support you so you can do things like contact women’s aid during working hours. Or could you tell him you’re feeling unwell and say you’re going to the doctors and then go to their drop in centre?

Lost that property, based on exs need despite my being primary applicant
Spoke to refuge need to speak to womens aid to get them to confirm I contacted them so that's nice

Refuge have given me their email for them to also do a letter.
Worth speaking to the dv champions at work fo you think? I am worried about how confidential it will be.

People choose how they behave and they choose how they treat people. Abusers are very very clever. They know how to lure a person in..they know how to manipulate. They know the tactics to use to break a person down. It's always money or women or drugs or sex. They have a motive.
I got out of an abusive relationship and a longish friend became "single" he'd always made me smile. So I allowed myself to be vulnerable with him. He ghosted me after spending 2 evenings with me. I thought there was more depth to it. Turns out he did it to another woman I work with aswel. He just cheats on his wife! Very different to the happy photos on Facebook.

Men are overrated. Fall in love with life again for yourself! Who knows who you might mert along the way. But it should feel peaceful. It takes time. But I also found an idiot after the abusive relationship. We can only try! X

Got my dog that will do

Need tk rebuild some friendships make sure I feel less lonely I think.

We will both be fine x

Thinking out loud here rather than with any knowledge but could you 'accidentally' cancel all the direct debits, take a while to get around to sorting it out and then next time you are paid you should have enough for a rental deposit and just move out with your dog 🐶 took me til my 50s to separate but the peace of having my own little place is bliss ............and quite frankly I'm off men for life💐