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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm an idiot

31 replies

Drowningnotwaving74 · 16/12/2024 22:58

Had a very long term abusive relationship.
Mainly emotional and financial but physical a couple of times.

I got out 4 5 years ago.
Someone I thought was a friend offered me a place to stay and instead of getting on a train home I went there.
Love bombed
After 3 months phone snatched accused of cheating.
Love bombed
Threatened I am rhe one who pays for everything but get told its his flat.
Currently being accused of 'waiting for him to die so I get the flat'
In discard I think, having to go to hospital and stuff myself getting very ill probably stress.
I thought I had a HA property as I was still on the list I was on with my ex but his name was still on the application so I think I've lost that one.
They want evidence I have been in touch with domestic abuse support and as its been webchat and stuff 'm not sure how to.
Why am I so stupid?
Have lost everything.
Can't just go to a refuge no kids, I work so.couldnt afford it and i am not leaving my dog who is my only friend I did that with the ex and he had them put to sleep.

It is abuse isn't it? Everyone thinks he wonderful and hs a big heart, he's horrible, nasty about people mean, calls me names makes me feel small and stupid
What do I do? Sorry lts so long I'm.even lonelier than I was in the last one and I didn't think I could be.

What if its me?

OP posts:
Drowningnotwaving74 · 17/12/2024 20:50

Mossstitch · 17/12/2024 20:32

Thinking out loud here rather than with any knowledge but could you 'accidentally' cancel all the direct debits, take a while to get around to sorting it out and then next time you are paid you should have enough for a rental deposit and just move out with your dog 🐶 took me til my 50s to separate but the peace of having my own little place is bliss ............and quite frankly I'm off men for life💐

Unfortunately he gets alerts.

Spot the tried that already. Feeling a bit more positive just need to focus on getting the evidence

OP posts:
Drowningnotwaving74 · 18/12/2024 23:00

Working from home and no escape is hard.
Domestic abuse champion at work will be a no go policy is all about speaking to your line manager and I really don't want to.
Struggling with the medical evidence as I can't get the reports from tests done at the start of this month.
Ended up in A&E again on Monday with my breathing and chest pain.
Tired, need to try webchat with one of the agencies I have online messaged on and off see if they will write a supporting letter but with work calls and never being alone apart from when he goes to bed way to late for.me to contact them its hard.

OP posts:
Catoo · 18/12/2024 23:07

Email Women’s Aid if you have an email address he doesn’t monitor. Ask them to confirm that you have been seeking advice from them. Say you need evidence.

And/Or take some screenshots when you next webchat them.

Drowningnotwaving74 · 18/12/2024 23:51

Catoo · 18/12/2024 23:07

Email Women’s Aid if you have an email address he doesn’t monitor. Ask them to confirm that you have been seeking advice from them. Say you need evidence.

And/Or take some screenshots when you next webchat them.

Used my work one it's safe I think.
Good call on the screenshot that's next
Sorry for unloading but its helping.
In full on discard, he believes I'm stuck so is ignoring am I safe? Physically I think so mentally really not suicide has been a thought on and off but I'm stubborn and my dog is keeping me alive

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 19/12/2024 04:27

No need to bump yourself off sweetheart, just keep taking steps towards getting out. In time you'll look back and think 'my life is fucking great without that asshole in it, I can't believe I was contemplating silly things when all I had to do, was leave'.

Things feel bleak with those souls sucking leaches about. But once you pluck him off, you'll be fine.

You work right? Could you afford to go stay at a hotel/hostel whilst you process things? Cancel the direct debits before you leave, then you have your own money coming in.

Is it just the dog preventing that?

I thought you mentioned kids? Maybe I was wrong.

What about a room on spareroom? Some people are dog friendly. Just be sure to go with a women only household incase the guys are predators and take advantage of vulnerability.

What about your workplace? If you tell them could they help? Maybe someone there has a property somewhere you could stay in? If my work colleague was going through what you were and I could help, I would.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Just, again, it's OK to say 'I appreciate it but I dont want to stay with men' if needs be. And, only stay until your housing opportunity comes up.

Put some feelers out.
Maybe anyone else you see walking a dog on walks you could ask them if they could take the dog whilst you escape. Again, a woman or a couple ideally. Just explain the situation. That you're fleeing abuse and love your dog and don't want to lose her and wondered, seen as they have a dog that likes yours, if they could take her for a while. Reassure them you'll pay any costs.

TipsyJoker · 19/12/2024 09:53

Ended up in A&E again on Monday with my breathing and chest pain.

Say you feel unwell and make an appointment with the GP. Go there and tell them you are being abused and can’t get out. Tell them you need help. They will help. You will have privacy to talk to them. It will also give you evidence because everything is put in your medical records and you are entitled to have copies of your records.

Ask if you can have access to a private space whilst there to call women’s aid. They will do whatever they can to help you. They have a duty of care and if you tell them you are in danger, they must help you. Tell them you have contemplated suicide and it’s only your dog that’s keeping you alive.

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