My sister and I have had a rocky relationship for many years (10 years, maybe?) and we have not spoken in a couple of years now. There is of course a huge backstory but I'd rather not go in to it deeply as it would be really long.
Obviously this is all from my pov and she would describe things differently. She has always had quite a dominant personality and reacts very strongly (emotionally - usually crying) to any perceived criticism - this is a view echoed by other family members - but nobody ever challenges her because nobody wants to deal with the reaction we know it would lead to. I often felt uncomfortable with how, if I expressed an opinion or thought that she didn't agree with it would be belittled and mocked, but I just put up with it. Like everybody else. It wasn't worth challenging.
Things between us started to go sour when I made a big effort to lose weight years ago. I lost about 30kg in total over a couple of years and was so much more healthy for it, felt much happier in myself and with my body. My sister would often comment on my dieting in a kind of mocking way (think like "oh you're eating cardboard again for lunch?" kind of comment if I had a healthy lunch). At her hen do she was having a 3 course meal and I was invited. I attended the meal, but really struggled with the amount of food after being on a strict diet for years, and I simply could not fit in dessert. I was not "dieting" that evening, and the starter and main was big portions and heavy food.
My sister saw that I was not having dessert and remarked, in front of the other people in attendance, why am I not having dessert?, I could at least drop the diet for one day for her (I had), and that I am the same size as her now so if I want to lose more weight then I must think she is fat.
I found this really embarrassing. I am quite she in groups and everybody was looking at me. I was also so uncomfortable to have my weight compared to hers so publicly as well.
I didn't say anything at the time. Didn't laugh along but didn't voice how I felt because it was her hen do and everybody was watching. Later that evening I was stewing over what she said and decided to try and write her a text to gently tell her how I felt about the comments, in the hopes that she would stop the little jabs. Now here is a point I accept this was not a wise choice - she was likely to receive this message after drinks (she went out for drinks after the restaurant), it was her hen-do night and I should have waited to think more about how to word what I wanted to say and send it at a more sensible time. So I accept this was a bad decision on my part. I have apologised to her for this.
I agonised over the message, because of the history explained above with her not reacting well to being challenged. I expected that she would not like to hear that her words had upset me, and would take offense to me voicing it. I don't have the exact message I sent any more to share (it was over 10 years ago) but it was something along the lines of "Hi sis, thanks for inviting me to your hen do, it was a great night and I'm looking forward to the big day. I just wanted to let you know that when you pointed out my dieting in front of everyone made me feel quite awkward, and comparing my size to yours made me feel uncomfortable as well. I am losing weight for my own health and happiness, it is nothing to do with appearance/comparisons. Please don't take this the wrong way, just wanted to let you know as you probably didn't realise how it was making me feel. Love you x"
I got no response.
I texted again a few days later and asked if she had received my message and is she okay? She replied that yes she had received it but wasn't responding because she was so upset about it.
And basically that was it. Something had changed from that point. We did reconcile again at a few years later after I had a child, but it was never the same.
There have been a couple more 'dramas' since that. I don't want to get into the details as this is getting too long already and I don't want to dwell on the past, just want to give enough info to get some appropriate advice on here. All said dramas were off the back of somebody affiliated with me (think friend/partner) saying something she didn't like and she got mad at me by proxy, essentially. I am not sure if she wanted me to get them to apologise (I literally can't do that, I did actually ask my friend to just to smooth things over and get back to normal, but she refused. As is her right). She has never told me exactly why she was angry at me, I suspect it may be because she thought I should show solidarity to her be dropping said friend/partner because they offended her. Which I was not willing to do. NB - the things they said that she got upset about were not based on things I had said to them, so it was not a "OP told me you're a bitch" kind of thing. I would understand why she would be mad at me under those circumstances because I would have bad mouthed her to them. Which I have not. They were comments they made about her behaviour based on their own experiences and interactions.
Since the last drama there has been radio silence. 2 years now, I think.
Both her and I have children. I miss my nephews dearly. One of them is a similar age to my child and it would be so nice if they could be allowed to bond and play together. I really want to put all this drama behind us and move forward for our children's sake. We will never be best mates, we are too different, but in my mind that is okay, we don't need to be best friends. I just don't feel that it is right for our children to all miss out on a slice of their family who love them, just because us as sisters have had issues with each other in the past. Life is too short.
I am well aware that I am not entitled to contact with my nephews, or to have anything to do with her family. I know I can't force her to put things aside, or 'forgive'. But I would like to at least try to offer an olive branch. I don't want to regret not reaching out later in life to try and fix things. I'd like to say, in as kind and diplomatic a way as possible that we are very different as people and that's fine, but can we try to put all the past behind us for the sake of the kids? Can we at least agree to be civil and have family gatherings without the rest of the family essentially having to choose which sister to invite?
I was thinking something along the lines of:
"Dear sis and family,
Merry Christmas! I hope you are all well and have had a good year.
<insert some brief info about how my child and I have done this year>
I know we have had a rocky few years but I wanted to try and offer an olive branch. I am sorry if I have said or done something to upset you.
We both miss [her children] very much and [my son] would love to be able to play together with them. I wonder if you think it's possible to try and build bridges?
Lots of love, OP"
Yes, I know this letter is not great. I am not good at this stuff. I feel it reads as quite dry and 'formal'?
Please could you help me write something better?
PS - I would prefer this thread doesn't start focussing on who is 'right' and 'wrong' in past interactions. It really doesn't matter, and raking over the coals in a letter wouldn't help! I just need advice on how to word a letter that conveys what I have said above, but in a less rigid and formal way!