Help me write a letter to reconcile with my sister

[ExplorerBee]

My sister and I have had a rocky relationship for many years (10 years, maybe?) and we have not spoken in a couple of years now. There is of course a huge backstory but I'd rather not go in to it deeply as it would be really long.

Obviously this is all from my pov and she would describe things differently. She has always had quite a dominant personality and reacts very strongly (emotionally - usually crying) to any perceived criticism - this is a view echoed by other family members - but nobody ever challenges her because nobody wants to deal with the reaction we know it would lead to. I often felt uncomfortable with how, if I expressed an opinion or thought that she didn't agree with it would be belittled and mocked, but I just put up with it. Like everybody else. It wasn't worth challenging.

Things between us started to go sour when I made a big effort to lose weight years ago. I lost about 30kg in total over a couple of years and was so much more healthy for it, felt much happier in myself and with my body. My sister would often comment on my dieting in a kind of mocking way (think like "oh you're eating cardboard again for lunch?" kind of comment if I had a healthy lunch). At her hen do she was having a 3 course meal and I was invited. I attended the meal, but really struggled with the amount of food after being on a strict diet for years, and I simply could not fit in dessert. I was not "dieting" that evening, and the starter and main was big portions and heavy food.

My sister saw that I was not having dessert and remarked, in front of the other people in attendance, why am I not having dessert?, I could at least drop the diet for one day for her (I had), and that I am the same size as her now so if I want to lose more weight then I must think she is fat.

I found this really embarrassing. I am quite she in groups and everybody was looking at me. I was also so uncomfortable to have my weight compared to hers so publicly as well.

I didn't say anything at the time. Didn't laugh along but didn't voice how I felt because it was her hen do and everybody was watching. Later that evening I was stewing over what she said and decided to try and write her a text to gently tell her how I felt about the comments, in the hopes that she would stop the little jabs. Now here is a point I accept this was not a wise choice - she was likely to receive this message after drinks (she went out for drinks after the restaurant), it was her hen-do night and I should have waited to think more about how to word what I wanted to say and send it at a more sensible time. So I accept this was a bad decision on my part. I have apologised to her for this.

I agonised over the message, because of the history explained above with her not reacting well to being challenged. I expected that she would not like to hear that her words had upset me, and would take offense to me voicing it. I don't have the exact message I sent any more to share (it was over 10 years ago) but it was something along the lines of "Hi sis, thanks for inviting me to your hen do, it was a great night and I'm looking forward to the big day. I just wanted to let you know that when you pointed out my dieting in front of everyone made me feel quite awkward, and comparing my size to yours made me feel uncomfortable as well. I am losing weight for my own health and happiness, it is nothing to do with appearance/comparisons. Please don't take this the wrong way, just wanted to let you know as you probably didn't realise how it was making me feel. Love you x"

I got no response.

I texted again a few days later and asked if she had received my message and is she okay? She replied that yes she had received it but wasn't responding because she was so upset about it.

And basically that was it. Something had changed from that point. We did reconcile again at a few years later after I had a child, but it was never the same.

There have been a couple more 'dramas' since that. I don't want to get into the details as this is getting too long already and I don't want to dwell on the past, just want to give enough info to get some appropriate advice on here. All said dramas were off the back of somebody affiliated with me (think friend/partner) saying something she didn't like and she got mad at me by proxy, essentially. I am not sure if she wanted me to get them to apologise (I literally can't do that, I did actually ask my friend to just to smooth things over and get back to normal, but she refused. As is her right). She has never told me exactly why she was angry at me, I suspect it may be because she thought I should show solidarity to her be dropping said friend/partner because they offended her. Which I was not willing to do. NB - the things they said that she got upset about were not based on things I had said to them, so it was not a "OP told me you're a bitch" kind of thing. I would understand why she would be mad at me under those circumstances because I would have bad mouthed her to them. Which I have not. They were comments they made about her behaviour based on their own experiences and interactions.

Since the last drama there has been radio silence. 2 years now, I think.

Both her and I have children. I miss my nephews dearly. One of them is a similar age to my child and it would be so nice if they could be allowed to bond and play together. I really want to put all this drama behind us and move forward for our children's sake. We will never be best mates, we are too different, but in my mind that is okay, we don't need to be best friends. I just don't feel that it is right for our children to all miss out on a slice of their family who love them, just because us as sisters have had issues with each other in the past. Life is too short.

I am well aware that I am not entitled to contact with my nephews, or to have anything to do with her family. I know I can't force her to put things aside, or 'forgive'. But I would like to at least try to offer an olive branch. I don't want to regret not reaching out later in life to try and fix things. I'd like to say, in as kind and diplomatic a way as possible that we are very different as people and that's fine, but can we try to put all the past behind us for the sake of the kids? Can we at least agree to be civil and have family gatherings without the rest of the family essentially having to choose which sister to invite?

I was thinking something along the lines of:

"Dear sis and family,

Merry Christmas! I hope you are all well and have had a good year.

<insert some brief info about how my child and I have done this year>

I know we have had a rocky few years but I wanted to try and offer an olive branch. I am sorry if I have said or done something to upset you.

We both miss [her children] very much and [my son] would love to be able to play together with them. I wonder if you think it's possible to try and build bridges?

Lots of love, OP"

Yes, I know this letter is not great. I am not good at this stuff. I feel it reads as quite dry and 'formal'?

Please could you help me write something better?

PS - I would prefer this thread doesn't start focussing on who is 'right' and 'wrong' in past interactions. It really doesn't matter, and raking over the coals in a letter wouldn't help! I just need advice on how to word a letter that conveys what I have said above, but in a less rigid and formal way!

I think that message is very nicely put op

I am estranged from a family member who has made joibes and put me down my whole life (my dm actually) and it’s very painful

you are brave and wise to reach out - nothing to lose

Maybe take out the line ‘I’m sorry if I have done anything to upset you’ just put in - I feel sad that we have lost touch and I hope we have enough love/ family bond to bring us back together

???

Thank you this is a good idea and is much more in line with what I am trying to convey.

Sorry to hear that you are going through something similar. Do you ever regret the estrangement? How long has it been?

good luck

I think your message will be ignored. Any messsge no matter how carefully worded will likely be treated the same.

I would not bother with your sister. She has behaved terribly towards you (and other people unsurprisingly). Why are you apologising?. You were right to call her out on her bad behaviour but she DARVOed you. Look up DARVO (deny attack reverse victim offender).

She’s caused this because she is unhappy and cannot stand to see you or perhaps anybody else happy. She wants to take you down all the time. Her children will likely grow up with the same sort of mentality your sister has. Your role is to do as she tells you. She has not reached out to you, people like your sister never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. She has not changed.

BTW are your parents aware you two do not talk?

Would you have tolerated this from a friend?. No and it should not ever have been tolerated from your sister either. Stop putting yourself in harms way, no good to you will come from contact with your sister.

From what you've put, I personally wouldn't reach out. Hopefully your kids have other adults and friends in their lives. They don't need the toxic sister. As the kids get older they can reach out themselves to your sister's kids if they want to.

I wouldn't bother with her OP, she'll only find another way to attack you later on. You'll spend a long time going round in circles with her so I think it's time to cut the trauma bond.

You need to leave her where she is and move forward with your life. Remember the childhood you had with her but also remind yourself that your ds as an adult isn't working for you.

Disagree with those who say don't bother. That's petty. OP you're being the bugger person here reaching out and your self reflection in your post is admirable. Who cares what her response may or may not be, it's your sister and you're trying to patch things up. You also accept that you'll never be best of friends, but you're giving both your kids the opportunity to be a family. Send the letter and good luck!

@TheSilentSister This has crossed my mind - her children perhaps reaching out in the future - and I want to be able to hold my head high and say that I did everything I could to have a relationship with them. I don't want them to think I was passive about it and didn't care. I don't want to regret. If that makes sense?
I take your point about exposing my child to toxicity.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Yes our parents know, and they refuse to get involved. It does upset them and they wish it wasn't happening but nobody in the family are willing to challenge her (or me, I suppose?) about it. They keep out of it.
Thanks for your comment. I will reflect on what you have said.

Thanks for all the insight. I think the main pull is feeling bad for the kids and how it upsets the wider family - I would very much like to reconcile before our parents pass away. I know it upsets them greatly.

It affects all family get togethers. It's pretty much an unmentioned rule that you don't invite both me and her to anything so for example for xmas the family see one of us on xmas eve and the other on xmas day. It is all so silly, and sad.

@TY78910 "you're being the bugger person" gave me a giggle 😂Thank you for your thoughts ❤

I would personally accept the reality that you and she can't have a functional mutually healthy relationship... Check to see if your mum and dad would be happy to host the cousins (neutral venue) and say something like.

Dear sister,

Hope you are looking forward to a good Xmas blah blah blah...

I know we both love our boys more than anything, and as mum's we want the best for them, I love your boys very much too.

Shall we give them some time together in 2025? It would be great if they could enjoy being cousins, and I know mum and dad would be delighted, they have said they are happy to have the boys over at theirs, which would be nice as all the kids know their place so well.

Let me know what you think

Love

But... If she does accept the idea and help make it happen (not holding my breath here)... I'd be on my guard for the fact that apple's often don't fall far from trees.

Though you love your nephews they are being raised with at least one parent who is dysfunctional in interpersonal relations, prone to taking things exceedingly personally and happy to burn bridges if it means exacting the price for perceived misbehaviour...

So they may have started out as delightful cherubs there is every chance they won't stay that way with such a skewed view of relationship norms as their template for life.

There are worse things than not knowing your cousin's... And knowing your cousin's (if they are horrid) is one of them.

I have estrangement going on in our family. I sometimes think about how I would react if she offered an olive branch...... I swing from "this has gone on too long now so accept it" to "omfg NO, I can't go back there."

She has sent a flying monkey or two recently but has never contacted me directly and I suppose I don't know how I would react until she did. I think it's the thought of things going right back to the way they were that puts me off wanting anything to do with her.

I think you should delete "I am sorry if I have said or done something to upset you"

It's hard to advise any more because although you have told us all about what happened years earlier at the hen night, you reconciled after that.

The final estrangement details are quite sketchy and not nearly as detailed so it's harder to understand what happened or advise how to approach it.

Estrangement is hard at the best of times but it's so much harder at this time of year so I wish you well with this and I really hope you have a good outcome.

Please let us know how it goes.

You’ll be damned whatever you write. I have a sibling like this and it’s awful. Always walking on eggshells in case you inadvertently say the ‘wrong’ thing, never mind she says whatever she feels like and if anyone has a problem with it, she goes into massive victim mode. I think she’s a victim narcissist. No idea if your sister is one but there’s no winning with these people. Either you do everything their way, or you pay the consequences. And they will feel 100% justified in being the wronged party. For the children’s sake I would try to patch things up in a very neutral way, and basically grey rock her and be very bland in further dealings.

I think it’s great you are willing to make the first move and try and reconcile. Estrangement is a drain on family and affects people mentally more than they let on I think. Sometimes it just goes on so long no one is brave enough to speak up.
I was estranged from my only sibling for 6 years over nothing serious. He died last Christmas and I’m eaten alive with regret that we had not been speaking. I wish so much I’d got in touch. Sorry that’s morbid! Anyway best of luck with your sister and I hope you get it sorted.

OP I feel for you both DH and I are easy going people but both of us have a sibling that we have little to do with. Over the years many attempts at being "nice" ignoring the tantrums, jibes etc, have not really made much difference in the long run.Over time (many decades) we have come to accept that these particular siblings will never change, their behaviour is supported by their partners who have an equally skewed view on life. We both come from large families, and the other siblings find them equally difficult and have had their own Fallings out.
What I am basically saying is write your note but don't expect too much it is unlikely that she will ever change.
Interestingly our now adult nephews and neices do have contact with my DC's although they are not so close as other of their cousins that they have had regular contact with.
Go for it OP but don't expect too much, you can't expect a leopard to change it's spots, and don't be upset if it doesn't happen or if any reconciliation is only temporary.

Your sister has clearly developed maladaptive coping mechanisms in response to difference/criticism over the years. She is probably only able to see things from her own (fixed) point of view. Her interpretation of your letter might depend on her mood when she receives it, or whether she's had a good/bad day/week/year. This probably isn't her 'fault', she's just unable to process things in a normal, calm way, and is very anxious and controlling.

Send the letter, it's very nicely worded, but try not to worry about her response to it; that's outwith your control.

Are you still in a relationship with the friend/ partner?
There's no point sending a message if you are.

You went into detail about the hen party because she was clearly in the wrong, but that isn't the cause of this. You reconciled.
This is about whatever your partner said and you backed them up. You left off any detail about that incident and that's probably because she isn't the clear bad guy.

It doesn't sound like you do want to reconcile with your sister. You don't want a relationship with her and that's fine. What you do want is cousins to have a relationship so maybe you should go with that. And try and write it's like a normal relationship and you have positive feelings towards her as long as your parents aren't acting like she doesn't exist around you. If that's are then skip first bit.

Dear Sis

Merry Christmas - how are you? I hear you/DNs did x. That sounds great

Something about you and yours

I was thinking how sad it was cousins haven't seen each other this year - should we try and do something in 2025?

Suggest an outing or event at your parents.

ExplorerBee

Check it with parents before you send it as you are asking them to also act like there's no drama and then maybe there won't be.

"You left off any detail about that incident and that's probably because she isn't the clear bad guy."

This jumped right out for me too. I don't want to accuse the OP of the same thing but this is a technique the person I'm NC with uses all the time.

She would tell me stories of incidents that happened with her in laws or colleagues and can describe every single tiny little thing they said or done in minute detail but when she describes her part in it she can never seem to quite remember much at all about what she done or said.

I totally get why you and another poster think the difference in detail sounds sketchy. I have deliberately been vague as I felt it would be quite outing to give a similar level of detail re: the most recent event. And to be fair, like I said in the original post, I (personally) don't really care who was 'right' and 'wrong', but do appreciate that it may matter to her. I just wanted help with wording, mainly.

For more context, the more recent event involved a family group chat. I was struggling with various issues (primarily health and financial) and I mentioned on the family chat that I was really struggling at the moment, and if anybody was in a position to help (with childcare, house help, or just to talk to) I could really use it right now. I'd never asked for help before like this, so not a regular thing. My sister responded saying that we all have our own issues we are dealing with and I'm on my own. Nobody else said anything in the group chat, but did reach out privately, some saying they didn't respond to the group chat with support because they didn't want to 'trigger' my sister by appearing to disagree. I was so hurt by this. I quietly left the group chat a day later because I felt it was not good for my mental health at that point, and I could speak to people individually if needed.

After I left, my partner sent a message in the group chat saying that he was disappointed with how cold my sister had been, and how she responded had been unkind (some context being that she knew how dire things had been for me). I didn't know he had sent this message until later, and I wish he hadn't sent it considering the fallout. Although it was nice to feel like he wasn't scared to say what he thought, and to be seen defending me.

My sister was very upset about this. She has not spoken to me since. I didn't send the message. I didn't know about it until the drama blew up.

So yes, all silly WhatsApp drama that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

I accept that I should have probably not posted about having hard times on a family group chat and instead have called somebody individually for support. In my defense I was in a very bad place and felt rock bottom at the time, and just needed to talk. I appreciate that leaving the group chat the next day may have come across as flouncing. I own all that.

I don't live with my partner (complicated situation with special needs children) and accept that my sister and him being together will never work now and that's fine. But I don't feel that I should have to leave a supportive partner in order to show solidarity to my sister.

I don't think I'm blameless in the rift. I have definitely made bad decisions. I don't feel that I should be held accountable for how people around me react to her actions, though.

I did send a card with a letter in the end. Kept it short and to the point. Basically said I feel sad for the missed time and does she think we could build bridges in the new year?

I will not pursue her further as I don't want her to feel harassed but I feel I've left the door open and it's up to her now.

Sad all around but I think my only contribution is to say: don’t romanticize family relationships or fantasize that your children and your sister’s children can gave some magical cousinly bond. Your family is a dysfunctional, ungenerous, mess—no one is willing to call your sister to order, she is so hostile and ungenerous that she willingly publicly humiliated you in the group chat in preference to admitting that under no circumstances would she help out, and your parents and family are completely unable (and uninterested) in cozy family times and inclusivity. This pattern will be repeated towards you children so don’t imagine you can have that generation make up in closeness for the estrangement at your level.

If she doesn’t want to be close to you then she is unlikely to want to make an effort for the children to get to know each other?

in my family, i was the one who split off as i found them too difficult (alcoholics, personality disorders etc). If someone sent me a letter like that i would have angrily thrown it in the bin. You sister might be open to it though and it can hardly make things worse at least….

From the additional context, from your perspective only so in favour of yourself, it does build the picture that you have responsibility for most of the rift. From her perspective you were likely being fairly self centred and asking for childcare and your house cleaned. People don't do that. It's cheeky. People buy the help in, get their partner to step up or accept it as it is hoping someone might be kind and in a position to offer the help.
She pointed that out in what sounds like a diplomatic enough way and you made a drama, flounced, then had your partner sending cheeky messages on her family group chat. If you want to make up with her, you need to take ownership and apologise then see is she willing to give it another go.
And to be quite honest, it sounds like it's about the look of it rather than genuine want to reconcile, in which case, save yourselves both the headache.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Yes I totally agree that I was being self centred by reaching out for support in the group chat. I was in a bad place and desperately needed it at the time. I accept that it could have been seen as cheeky or annoying.

I think you misread my last post though, I didn't "have my partner" send anything. I didn't know he sent anything til later when things escalated.

Bah humbug to you too.